How to Assert Dominance at Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving, a time for gratitude, family, and, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, a chance to assert your dominance at the dinner table. Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable impression this holiday season.

Unleash Your Hustlers University Knowledge

Begin by giving everyone, from your wide-eyed nephew to your dozing grandpa, an unsolicited, detailed lecture on your Hustlers University course. Explain every module, every assignment, and especially your groundbreaking thoughts on the future of e-commerce. The goal is to make them wish they had never asked, “So, what have you been up to?”

Convert Aunt Ethel to Crypto 

Next, target Aunt Ethel. Use the lull between the appetizer and the turkey to explain why she should invest her retirement savings in cryptocurrency. Ignore her confusion and pepper your monologue with terms like ‘blockchain’ and ‘NFTs’. Remember, the less she understands, the more successful you are.

Teabag the Gravy

It’s a risk – both from a logistical and personal injury standpoint – but if you want to assert ultimate thanksgiving dominance, drop trou and let your boys take a swim in the gravy. It’ll fill you with confidence at the dinner table as you pass on gravy, and add some extra umami flavor to the jus.

Flash Your P&L Constantly

As the turkey makes its rounds, so should your phone, with its open profit and loss statements. Make sure everyone sees how much of a financial guru you are (or aren’t). If someone tries to change the subject, bring it back with a “But have you seen my latest trades?”

Lead with Edgy Political Discussions

With everyone trying to digest their meal, drop a bombshell like, “So the Israelis are kinda nuts, right?” and watch the peaceful dinner transform into a heated political debate. Your job is to stir the pot, not to solve the Middle East crisis.

Regurgitate Jordan Peterson

As dessert arrives, it’s time to regurgitate all the Jordan Peterson content you’ve consumed. Mix his ideas with your personal life lessons, leaving your relatives to wonder if you’re a philosopher or just lost in your thoughts.

So there you have it—a foolproof guide to asserting your dominance at Thanksgiving dinner. Just remember, this approach may also assert your place at the ‘not invited next year’ list.

How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

In the  wild world of retail, Black Friday is the ultimate showdown. We’ve scoured the internet to find experts on how to survive Black Friday, from animal behaviorists to survival experts. So strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for Black Friday.

1. Limber Up: The Pre-Shop Stretch

Before you even think about braving the concrete jungle of Best Buy, remember: flexibility is key. We’re not just talking about your budget. A full pre-shopping stretch session is crucial. You don’t want to pull a hamstring lunging for the last PS5. Yoga, pilates, interpretive dance – whatever gets those muscles loose for the ensuing battle.

2. Buddy Up

Everything’s better with friends, including choking out an elderly woman for the last toaster on the shelf. Bring a buddy, or better yet, a whole entourage. They can form a human shield while you grab the goods, or at least document your shopping heroics for social clout.

3. Mark Your Territory

It’s a timeless law of nature. If you piss on it, it belongs to you. Go crazy, get one of those hydration packs and just pee on anything that you want- hell pee on stuff you only might want. It’s worth noting two things about this method. Firstly, don’t pee on anything that’s plugged in or wired. Secondly, some stores may look down on this behavior, but just tell them you self-identify as a wolf and you should be golden.

4. Arm Yourself

It’s every American’s right to bear arms. So get strapped. There’s nothing that asserts dominance in the aisles of Walmart than strolling in like Neo at the  end of the first Matrix movie. As it’s every American citizen’s right to bear arms, you may encounter other groups, which could lead to a Mexican standoff. Basically it’s a win-win.

Conclusion: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart 

Black Friday is not for the faint of heart. If this guide seems a bit extreme, well, maybe online shopping from the comfort of your couch is more your speed. No judgment here – those flash sales can be just as exhilarating, and the only thing you risk pulling is a muscle reaching for your credit card.

Ohio’s New Slogan: “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions”

Columbus, Ohio — In a pivot from its conservative roots, Ohio is now emerging as the unlikely epicenter of progressive policies. With the legalization of marijuana and the expansion of abortion rights, the state’s unofficial new slogan, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions,” is causing both uproar and applause nationwide.

The shift began subtly but has since grown into a full-blown cultural and legislative revolution. Skeptics and traditionalists voice concerns about the state attracting a new demographic of “abortion tourists” who might choose to overindulge in the legalized cannabis. “It’s like we’re rolling out the red carpet for them,” complained a long-time resident of Dayton, reflecting the unease among some community members.

However, the progressive faction in Ohio has embraced these changes wholeheartedly. Ethel Brown, a local baker in Columbus, has become a symbol of this new era. She’s pioneering a line of cannabis-infused baked goods, offering everything from THC-laden brownies to controversial “Happy Abortion Day” cakes. “It’s about freedom of choice and expression,” Brown states, as she decorates a cake with her signature green-leaf icing.

The economic and cultural ripple effects are already being felt. Analysts anticipate a significant uptick in sales of recreational items like hacky sacks, and snack items. Surprisingly, contraceptives might see a downturn in sales, a side-effect of the relaxed stance on abortion rights.

The societal impact extends beyond economics. Ohio’s universities are witnessing a rise in applications from students eager to partake in this new social experiment. “It’s like we’ve become the new hotspot for young progressives,” notes a professor at The Ohio State University.

Conversely, the state’s more conservative residents are grappling with this rapid transformation. Town hall meetings and local forums are buzzing with debates and discussions about the long-term implications of these policies.

As Ohio charts this bold new course, it stands as a curious case study for the rest of the country. Will it become a beacon for progressive values, or is this just a momentary deviation from its traditionally conservative path? What remains clear is that Ohio, once a middle-of-the-road state, is now at the forefront of a cultural shift that defies easy categorization. Only time will reveal the true impact of its decision to say, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions.”

Man Identifies as Church to Avoid Taxes

Woodrow Pugh of Arkansas has declared himself the first man in history to self-identify as a religious institution. Pugh, who insists on being referred to by the pronouns thy/thine, has claimed tax-exempt status, citing a deep spiritual connection with being a church.

“I’ve always felt at odds in my body,” Pugh proclaimed. “Turns out, I’m not a man, I’m a church. It all makes sense now. I love to have a sewing circle inside me on Tuesday afternoons.”

The IRS has yet to comment on this divine declaration of tax evasion, but local supporters have rallied behind Pugh. “Gender dysmorphia is a real thing, and we should be respectful of others’ decisions,” commented Alex Smith, a college student and part-time barista who has recently started a GoFundMe to help Pugh install stained glass windows in his eyes.

Critics argue that Pugh’s claim is less about spiritual identity and more about the holy grail of tax loopholes. However, Pugh’s followers, primarily online avatars, have been seen changing their bios to include thy/thine pronouns in solidarity.

When asked about the logistics of his transformation, Pugh was resolute. “Every Sunday, my soul hosts a bake sale, and on Wednesdays, we have bingo night. If that doesn’t qualify me as a church, I don’t know what does,” he stated while attempting to light a votive candle in his navel.

The local diocese has been less than amused, issuing a statement that while they support personal discovery, they are pretty sure that being a church involves more than just enjoying casseroles and speaking in King James English.

As the debate rages on, Pugh continues to enjoy his newfound identity, reportedly saving a fortune on both taxes and interior decorating by claiming religious sanctuary status. The IRS, meanwhile, has been spotted baptizing their calculators and praying for guidance.

In the meantime, Pugh has announced plans for a spiritual retreat in his backyard, promising enlightenment and tax deductions for all who attend. The event will be BYOB—Bring Your Own Bible.

How to Negotiate a Better Salary

Are you tired of being a mere mortal among the corporate gods? Do you dream of swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-style money pool but find yourself paddling in a bowl of pennies? Fear not, my underpaid friend, for we have the secret sauce to catapult you from dining on ramen to feasting on caviar. Here are the top five absolutely sure fire ways to negotiate a better salary that are guaranteed to make you the talk of the water cooler—if not HR.

1. Choose Violence

it’s a time tested method to getting what you want, so go nuts. Tear the office to shreds, assault HR, take a dump on your bosses desk. If you can think you can overcome security, you’re surely on to a winner.

2. Blackmail

This ones a bit more sneaky, but obtain some sensitive material on the board, partners, or your boss (in the business we call it leverage). If you’d like to avoid violence, and stick more to clandestine practices this is the one for you. Illicit photos are the media of choice, but secret debt, weekend fetishes, and illegitimate children / secret families all work well.

3. Be Someone’s Son

Difficult to achieve, but if you are lucky enough to be the owner’s son, then you’re pretty much guaranteed a decent salary for doing sweet FA. Why not shoot for the stars and go for quarterly raises, a per diem, and a company Porsche while you’re at it? Side note: this method probably also allows you to take a dump on the bosses desk, or assault HR.

4. Suck Some D

I mean, this one is pretty self explanatory. It’s a dirty job, but you can’t argue with the results. It’s also the only one of these methods you can do without using your hands, and on your knees.

5. Actually Doing the Work

Keep your head down, and do the work. This is by far the longest and least likely to get you a raise. It’s not recommended, and we couldn’t find anyone actually willing to step forward to admit they have successfully negotiated a better salary employing this method.

Top 3 Ways to Avoid Paying Your Student Loan

Ever wondered how to escape the clutches of that ever-looming student loan debt? Fear not, we’ve scoured the earth, consulted with financial gurus, and even chatted with some successful escapees to bring you the definitive guide. Here are the top three foolproof ways to dodge those student loan payments.

1. Run

Running away from student loans. image via shutterstock.

The Basics: Lace up those sneakers, pack a light bag, and hit the road. The world is vast, and there’s no better time to explore it than when you’re evading debt collectors.

Pro Tip: Consider joining a marathon. Not only will you be constantly on the move, but you’ll also get in shape. Two birds, one stone.

Downside: You might run into another person trying to escape their student loans. Awkward.

2. Die

dying can be an extreme way to avoid your student debt. Image via unsplash.

The Basics: Okay, this one’s a bit drastic, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about any bills ever again.

Pro Tip: If you’re not keen on the whole “permanent” aspect of this option, consider faking it. A mock funeral might just do the trick. Plus, you get to hear what people really think about you.

Downside: The afterlife might have its own credit system. Beware of underworld loan sharks.

3. Identify as a Mole

living a subterranean life as a mole will surely get you away from your student debt. image: shutterstock.

The Basics: Embrace your inner mole. Start by digging a hole in your backyard and make it your new residence. Moles live underground, and their primary concern is avoiding spades, not Sallie Mae.

Pro Tip: Invest in some quality sunglasses. Living underground might be great for avoiding debt, but it’s not so great for your eyesight when you occasionally surface for snacks.

Downside: You might have to deal with actual moles. They’re not too keen on sharing their turf, especially with large, debt-ridden humans.

While these methods might seem a tad unconventional, they’re guaranteed to give you a brief respite from those monthly reminders that your wallet is forever chained to a piece of paper from an institution of higher learning. But hey, if all else fails, there’s always the option of, you know, setting up a payment plan. Just a thought.

Parents warned to lookout for Epstein client list in halloween candy

WASHINGTON D.C. – As the spookiest night of the year approaches, parents across the nation are being warned of a new, unexpected terror: finding snippets of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous client list hidden in their children’s Halloween candy.

The initial reports of this peculiar phenomenon began circulating in the neighborhoods surrounding Washington D.C., where parents were left aghast upon discovering tiny scrolls of paper, each bearing a name or two, nestled among the Snickers and Skittles. However, as the days have passed, similar reports have emerged from states as far-flung as California and Texas.

“I was just checking my son’s candy for any opened wrappers or suspicious-looking treats, and there it was,” said Martha Jenkins, a concerned mother from Virginia. “A tiny piece of paper with a name I’d rather not mention. I was expecting to find a razor blade or something, not a potential lead in a high-profile investigation.”

The FBI has since issued a statement urging parents to be vigilant. “We understand that this is an unusual and concerning situation,” said Special Agent Dale Cooper. “No one truly knows the length of Epstein’s client list, so this could very well be the Halloween epidemic of the year. We advise parents to thoroughly check their children’s candy and report any findings.”

While many are left wondering about the motives behind this bizarre act, some conspiracy theorists suggest it’s an elaborate scheme by whistleblowers to ensure the list reaches as many households as possible. Others believe it’s merely a distasteful prank by individuals looking to capitalize on the ongoing media frenzy surrounding the Epstein case.

Local police departments are also chiming in, with some offering “Candy X-Ray” services on Halloween night to ensure no unwanted surprises lurk within the festive treats.

As the nation braces itself for All Hallows’ Eve, parents are reminded to prioritize safety. Whether it’s double-checking for oncoming traffic while trick-or-treating or scanning candy for unexpected scrolls of scandal, this Halloween promises to be one for the history books.

Florida Man’s Ingenious Solution to 7% Mortgage Rates: Homelessness

In a world where the average mortgage rate in the US has skyrocketed to over 7%, many young adults are resorting to the age-old tradition of moving back in with their parents. But one Florida man, always the trendsetter, has decided to think outside the box—or rather, outside the house.

Meet Freddy Frugalton, a man who has taken the concept of avoiding high mortgage rates to a whole new level. Instead of burdening himself with the LAVISH lifestyle of central heating, running water, and a roof over his head, Frugalton has opted for a $20 tent strategically placed under an overpass. And he’s not just doing it for himself; he has dreams of settling down and raising a family in this cozy abode.

Financial advisors, always on the lookout for the next big trend, have lauded Frugalton’s extreme yet innovative approach to the cost of living. “Why didn’t we think of this before?” exclaimed one advisor. “Forget tiny homes; tents are the future!”

When asked about his groundbreaking decision, Frugalton said, “It just makes sense, man. I have very low overheads living in a tent, so I can focus all my energy on day trading.” But, as with all great innovators, not everything is smooth sailing. Despite the significant savings from his housing choice, Frugalton’s profit and loss statement isn’t looking too rosy. “I tend to follow [Jim] Cramer’s advice,” he admitted with a shrug. “Probably a dumb move, but hey, I live in a tent. What did you expect?”

As winter approaches, Frugalton is gearing up for the colder months. He’s contemplating starting a small fire in a barrel to keep warm. Neighbors (or rather, fellow overpass dwellers) are already placing bets on how long it’ll take before he upgrades to a $30 tent with a built-in heater.

In a world where mortgage rates and living costs continue to rise, perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from Freddy “Free-Living” Frugalton. Or, you know, maybe not.

Elon attempts to boost his live streaming numbers by adding gaming to X

In a move as unpredictable as a Tesla on Autopilot, Elon Musk, the man who once sold flamethrowers for fun, has dived headfirst into the world of video gaming. The billionaire, better known for shooting cars into space than shooting virtual demons, recently flexed his gaming “skills” on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. Some say it’s his midlife crisis; others believe he’s just leveling up.

From Rockets to Role-Playing

For his grand gaming debut, Musk didn’t pick just any game. He went for ‘Diablo 4’, a choice as dark and mysterious as his tweets. Sources claim he found the game’s dungeons slightly less complicated than a SpaceX launch. “It’s a different beast,” Musk supposedly said, “At least in Diablo, when I fail, I can just respawn. If only rockets worked that way.” And his in-game name? “Rampaging Goat.” Perhaps a nod to his ambition to be the G.O.A.T. in yet another field?

42 Million Views: Because Why Not?

Musk’s gaming video, cheekily titled “Billionaire Tries Gaming,” has raked in a jaw-dropping 42 million views. Insiders joke that half of those were probably SpaceX and Tesla interns, curious to see if their fearless leader was as adept with a controller as he is with a rocket. The other half? Probably just people waiting to see him fail epically.

Silencing the Critics, Musk-Style

In a move that’s so very Elon, X now allows streamers to limit comments to subscribers only. While it might seem like a feature for enhancing user engagement, the rumor mill suggests it’s Musk’s latest invention: the “Hater Shield.” A tech insider quipped, “Why face criticism when you can just mute it? Classic Elon. Next, he’ll launch a satellite to block out negative vibes.”

Gaming: Musk’s New Playground?

While the world waits for Musk’s next big move—be it colonizing Mars or making a flying Tesla—it seems he’s momentarily distracted by the siren call of gaming. The choice of “Rampaging Goat” as his gaming alias has the internet in splits, with memes galore speculating its origin.

Wrapping Up

As the lines between reality and satire blur, one thing’s for sure: Musk is having a blast, and we’re all just along for the wild ride. Whether he’s genuinely into gaming or just trolling us all, Musk sure knows how to keep things interesting.

Rupert Murdoch Steps Down to Focus on Running Hell

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has decided to step down as chairman of both Fox Corp. and News Corp. While the official statement cites the transition to the role of Chairman Emeritus and the robust health of the companies as reasons, insiders have whispered about a more… infernal reason for his departure.

Beelzebub, the Prince of Demons, recently commented, “It’ll be good to have him here more. Things have been slacking a little in the underworld, and Rupert can bring a whole new level to hell!” The underworld has been buzzing with excitement at the prospect of Murdoch taking charge of its operations.

Murdoch’s decision comes after a tumultuous year for Fox, including a hefty $787.5 million settlement with Dominion Voting Systems over defamation claims. Some speculate that this was just a warm-up for the challenges he’ll face in his new role. After all, managing fiery pits and eternal damnation might be a tad more complicated than handling a media empire.

The 92-year-old Australian media tycoon began his journey in the industry nearly 70 years ago and has since built an empire that spans newspapers, television, and more. His influence has been so profound that it’s been chronicled in books and even inspired the HBO series “Succession.”

But why the sudden shift to the underworld? Some say Murdoch has been preparing for this role for years. His vast experience in managing large corporations, dealing with controversies, and navigating the complex world of media politics makes him a prime candidate for managing the intricacies of hell.

In a note to his employees, Murdoch mentioned, “For my entire professional life, I have been engaged daily with news and ideas, and that will not change.” This statement has left many wondering if the underworld will soon have its own news channel, with daily updates on the latest in eternal torment and damnation.

As Murdoch transitions to his new role, the media world watches with bated breath. Will hell become the next media hotspot? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: with Murdoch at the helm, hell is about to get a lot more interesting.