Category: Loss Porn

In a move that industry analysts are calling “practically literal,” OpenAI has installed an oversized revolving door at its headquarters, easing the transition for the 75% of its staff reportedly planning to join former CEO Sam Altman at Microsoft.

The new door, which OpenAI’s interim CEO insists is “merely coincidental” to the mass staff exodus, is designed to accommodate the swift and seamless transfer of employees between the two tech giants. Sources say the door is equipped with Microsoft’s latest facial recognition technology to ensure that only OpenAI staff with confirmed Microsoft job offers can pass through.

“We saw the writing on the wall,” said an OpenAI spokesperson, “and we figured, why not make it a literal giant door? It’s all about efficiency.”

In an unexpected twist, the door also seems to be reversing direction occasionally. “We’ve had a few Microsoft employees come through looking confused,” the spokesperson added. “They thought this was the new AI division Sam was heading up. We had to gently guide them back through the revolving door to their Uber.”

Microsoft, in a show of solidarity, has reportedly installed a matching door at its own AI division headquarters. “It’s like a portal between companies,” said a Microsoft insider. “One moment you’re developing cutting-edge AI at OpenAI, and the next, you’re doing it at Microsoft. All it takes is a step through the magic revolving door.”

The revolving door, while practical, has not been without its challenges. “We had a minor issue where the door spun too fast and accidentally sent an OpenAI data scientist to the cafeteria instead of Microsoft,” the OpenAI spokesperson revealed. “But we’re working out the kinks.”

OpenAI’s latest innovation has not gone unnoticed by the rest of Silicon Valley. Rumor has it that other tech companies are considering similar installations. “It’s the future of employee mobility,” an industry analyst commented. “Why resign via email when you can just walk through a door?”

In a statement, Sam Altman praised the initiative: “This revolving door symbolizes the fluidity and dynamism of the tech industry. Plus, it’s pretty fun to walk through.”

As more OpenAI staff make their way through the revolving door, the only question that remains is: Will it spin in the other direction should they choose to return? “We’re keeping our options open,” said the OpenAI spokesperson, with a wink. “After all, it’s a revolving door.”

Warner Brothers, the legendary company that brought us classics like “Casablanca” and “The Matrix,” has found itself in a bit of a pickle, as its stock took a nosedive faster than Superman on Kryptonite, plunging 19% last Wednesday. The company’s portfolio is looking sadder than a Batman v Superman Rotten Tomatoes score.

In what industry analysts are calling “a performance more disappointing than ‘Suicide Squad’s’ plot,” Warner has reported a loss so wide you could drive the Batmobile through it, with television revenues vanishing like a disillusioned audience during the interminable third hour of “Justice League.”

The executives at Warner are pointing fingers at Hollywood strikes and a difficult ad market, which is Hollywood-speak for “Please don’t look at our latest box office returns.” Insiders, however, can’t help but whisper about the studio’s misadventures in DC Land, where the Justice League is less “Super Friends” and more “Super Frenemies.”

Warner Brothers has treated us to Batfleck, whose portrayal of the Dark Knight was as warmly received as the Joker at a Gotham City Police ball. Then there’s the silver-screen version of The Flash, whose most remarkable feat seems to be breaking into places faster than you can say “legal streaming services.”

And who can forget “Wonder Woman 1984”? A film that promised us a return to the glorious ’80s but instead delivered a plot as confusing as a Rubik’s Cube solved by a toddler.

But fear not, faithful viewers, Warner Bros has a plan: A Harry Potter remake. Because nothing says “innovation” like rehashing a story that’s been told more times than Dumbledore’s age. JK Rowling, the Mother of Wizards herself, has promised this new series will stick closer to the original material than Harry’s glasses to his face – meaning, of course, it will be absolutely, positively devoid of any of that pesky “wokeness” that never featured in the books… that were all about the acceptance of different peoples and cultures.

So, as the studio prepares to cast yet another Expecto Patronum spell to conjure up profits, one has to wonder if perhaps Warner Brothers might need a bit more than magic to pull themselves out of this latest financial Chamber of Secrets.

In what financial analysts are calling a “diabolically innovative” move, Jack Jacobson of Tallahassee, Florida, has refinanced his home under terms that have raised more than a few eyebrows and ethical questions. In an effort to escape a 7% mortgage that felt more like a straitjacket, Jacobson has signed off on a deal that includes his immortal soul and his firstborn child as collateral.

Jacobson, who had hoped to ride the green wave of avocado farming, was keen on tapping into the millennial market’s obsession with avocado toast. However, the high-interest rates presented an insurmountable barrier, leading him to consider more ‘soulful’ financing options. “I mean, when the bank tells you your interest rates are going up, that’s one thing,” Jacobson said, “but when the guy downstairs offers a fixed rate for just a soul and a potential offspring? You start to weigh your options.”

Lucifer, who seemingly moonlights as a financial advisor, shared his take on the deal, “In the grand scheme of things, your soul and firstborn is actually, genuinely a better deal than you’ll get at many mortgage brokers right now. I don’t want to say it’s a steal, but… well.” The underworld CEO added with a fiendish grin, “Business is booming.”

This infernal refinancing scheme has apparently found traction beyond the Sunshine State. Lucifer disclosed a growing list of clients trading in spiritual and virgin assets to keep up with earthly payments. A Denver man reportedly traded his right eye, reminiscent of biblical times, to square away a car loan. Meanwhile, a family in Nevada signed away their daughter’s virginity for a Mediterranean-inspired pool renovation, complete with a grotto.

Back in Florida, Jacobson is reportedly scouring through dating apps, maternity wards, and even considering a mail-in application to ‘The Bachelor’ in a bid to meet the renegotiated terms of his mortgage. Friends of Jacobson have voiced concern, noting that he’s been brushing up on his nursery rhymes and baby-proofing his house, despite there being no baby on the immediate horizon.

Community response has been mixed. Some locals are calling it an innovative solution to a systemic problem, while others are dusting off their pitchforks and calling for a good, old-fashioned boycott of the underworld.

As the deadline for delivery approaches, Jacobson remains optimistic. “Look, I’ve always been a problem-solver,” he said, adjusting a new set of baby gates. “And I’m sure there’s a loophole here somewhere. Worst case scenario, I’ll start a GoFundMe for a soul buyback or a stork rental.”

In an age where the term ‘selling out’ has lost much of its sting, Jacobson’s case might just redefine it, setting a new standard—or underworld low—for the lengths one will go to for financial solvency and a slice of the avocado economy.

In an office space not so far away, WeWork, the once-celebrated unicorn of shared workspaces, seems to have taken its mantra “Do What You Love” a tad too seriously, and what it apparently loved was a game of financial Jenga. The company, which once boasted a valuation that could make Silicon Valley blush, is now reportedly filing for bankruptcy, making it the poster child for “How to Unwork Your Company 101.”

Founded by Adam Neumann, a man whose ambition was as high as his buildings, WeWork aimed to revolutionize the way people worked together. With a vision that could have only been conjured up after a few too many free beers (which they generously offered), Neumann created a world where work was synonymous with luxury lounges and caffeine-fueled networking. It was the ‘We’ decade, where iPhones and iPods were out, and community tables and mood lighting were in.

Fast forward to 2021, and the company’s valuation was cut from a towering $47 billion to $9 billion. The company’s strategy of long-term leases and short-term memory didn’t quite pay off, leaving them with more empty desks than a ghost town’s schoolhouse.

The IPO that never was became the talk of the town, as WeWork’s financials were revealed to be as solid as a house of cards in a wind tunnel. Neumann, in a move that surprised no one but probably should have, was leasing his own properties to WeWork, blurring the lines between ‘We’ and ‘Me’ in a way that would make even the most narcissistic blush.

As the pandemic hit, WeWork’s response was to lay off employees and close offices with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for going out of business sales. The company’s attempt to float on the stock market finally came to fruition through a SPAC, because nothing says “trust us” like merging with a company that’s essentially a big bag of cash.

Now, with a stock price that’s seen more downs than ups, WeWork is teetering on the edge of being delisted faster than you can say “We’re broke.” The irony is thicker than the espresso at their once-buzzing coffee bars, as the rise of hybrid working — the very trend WeWork was poised to capitalize on — has become the background music to their downfall.

As the company now prepares to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy, the world watches on with a sense of disbelief. WeWork’s saga serves as a cautionary tale that sometimes, when you reach for the stars, you forget about the pesky gravity of real estate economics.

So, let’s pour one out for WeWork, preferably a free latte or craft beer from their once plentiful supply. Here’s to the ‘We’ decade that almost was, and to the hope that their next chapter includes a little more ‘Work’ and a little less ‘Crash.’

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) conducted a night time raid on the residence of an Iowa man, Cash Rich, after he recklessly conducted a financial transaction amounting to $601 via Venmo. This amount, perilously tipping over the $600 threshold, was ostensibly for an autographed noose, a rare piece of memorabilia signed by none other than financial guru Jim Cramer.

Rich, unaware of the financial tornado he had triggered, described the scene: “It was a quiet morning, and I was just watching reruns of ‘Mad Money,’ waiting for my precious collectible. The next thing I know, the IRS is at my door with a battering ram, a SWAT team, and what I am pretty sure was an armored tank.”

In what neighbors are calling an “absolute overkill,” agents reportedly punted Rich’s bewildered pug, Dollar, across the living room, asserting dominance over all household beings, taxable or not. In a bizarre turn of events, one over-enthusiastic agent allegedly chugged the water from a fishbowl, swallowing Rich’s goldfish, Goldie, in a display of authority that has animal rights activists up in arms.

“The goldfish was an innocent bystander,” a visibly shaken Rich shared, mourning both his pet and his now-seized Jim Cramer noose.

This raid comes amidst widespread criticism of the IRS’s policies, which many feel unfairly target the middle class and blatantly ignore the uber-wealthy and large corporations’ financial gymnastics. Billionaires are often spotted rocketing into space, essentially waving from the stratosphere at the tax codes they’ve skillfully sidestepped.

“We assure the public, no amount is too small for us to launch a full-scale operation on,” an IRS spokesperson stated, standing proudly in front of a graph showing a significant portion of their annual budget was allocated to ‘Operation Petty Cash.’

Meanwhile, banks and multinational corporations are reportedly high-fiving each other, getting back to the serious business of hiding trillions of dollars in offshore accounts and under lavish Renaissance-style paintings.

As for Cash Rich, the future looks grim. He’s currently facing a 15-year sentence, not for tax evasion, but for the emotional distress caused to the IRS agents forced to touch his “middle-class belongings.”

The IRS has issued a stern warning to citizens, advising them to keep their transactions neat, under $600, and as boringly legal as possible, lest they wish to face the wrath of Uncle Sam’s financially strained henchmen.

In what analysts are calling an “unprecedented artificial intelligence citation catastrophe,” shares of Alphabet Inc. nosedived after executives failed to mention “AI” a minimum of 100 times during their latest earnings call. The final count, a meager 79, has shaken investor confidence, leading to a frenzied sell-off in the tech sector.

Sources inside Alphabet claim that the company had a ‘three-digit mention’ strategy, betting on the hypnotic power of the term “AI” to woo investors. “We had one job: say ‘AI’ until they were so mesmerized, they wouldn’t notice any other details,” shared an anonymous staff member, visibly distressed by the stock’s plunge.

The earnings call, now infamously being referred to as “The 79-AI Disaster,” had analysts scrambling for their buzzword bingo cards, puzzled by the sudden silence on artificial intelligence. “It was like waiting for a sneeze that never comes,” said one Wall Street analyst, who claims the tension was palpable with each passing minute void of “AI” mentions.

In response to the crisis, Alphabet’s PR team is reportedly planning to release a new series of press statements, tentatively titled “AI: We Still Use It, We Swear!” Meanwhile, marketing is working on branding merchandise with “AI <3” for their executives to wear at public events.

Rumors are also swirling about Alphabet’s emergency initiatives to regain investor trust. Insiders report a proposal for an ‘AI jar,’ where executives must deposit $1,000 every time they fail to mention AI in public discussions. Proceeds are expected to fund a new program aimed at teaching AI systems to automatically interject with “Don’t forget about AI!” in all company presentations.

As the market reels from the 79-mention shock, other tech giants are taking note, with one CEO spotted frantically scribbling “AI, AI, AI…” in preparation for their next earnings call. The industry waits with bated breath to see if Alphabet can AI-its way back to Wall Street’s heart.

LAS VEGAS, NV – In a move that has both Wall Street and the Strip buzzing, the Las Vegas Sphere, known for its cutting-edge technology and immersive experiences, has announced its latest attraction just in time for Halloween: a real-time display of a retail investor’s profit and loss (P&L).

The Sphere, which boasts the world’s largest and highest resolution LED screen, will randomly select one “lucky” retail investor and showcase their portfolio’s P&L for all of Sin City to see. While some might consider this a nightmare come to life, the Sphere’s management believes it’s all in good fun.

“As it’s spooky season, we thought red candles would be a nice touch,” said a spokesperson, referencing the often-dreaded symbols of a stock’s decline on trading charts. “Besides, what’s scarier than watching your investments plummet in real-time on the biggest screen in the world?”

The announcement has received mixed reactions. Day traders, already accustomed to the roller coaster of the stock market, are taking bets on whether the chosen portfolio will be a trick (in the red) or a treat (in the green). Meanwhile, financial advisors across the country are using the event as a cautionary tale, reminding clients of the importance of diversification and long-term planning.

Local Las Vegas resident, Penny Stocks, commented, “I thought seeing David Copperfield make things disappear was the most terrifying thing on the Strip. But watching someone’s life savings vanish in real-time? Now that’s a show!”

The Sphere has assured the public that the chosen investor’s identity will remain anonymous, though there are rumors of a VIP package that includes front-row seats, a box of tissues, and a hotline to a financial therapist.

As the countdown to Halloween begins, one thing is certain: the Sphere’s latest attraction promises to be the most hauntingly memorable experience in Vegas this year. Whether it’s the thrill of potential gains or the horror of dramatic losses, attendees are in for a spine-chilling spectacle.