Elon Blackmails Tesla Board Out Of $30 Billion

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has successfully bullied the Tesla board out of 96 million shares worth $30 billion dollars in money after threatening to leave the company.

Pundits thought the board might call Elon’s bluff and give up the erratic billionaire to focus on his political party dubbed, ‘The America Party’, after America. However, in a letter to shareholders, the Tesla board declared that “Retaining Elon is more important than ever before. We are confident that this award will incentivise Elon to remain at Tesla.”

It is unclear if Elon was just off frame with a gun as the letter was being written.

Musk responded to the payment in a briefing call with investors, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” Well, shit, too late for both there, Mr. Musky man.

Tesla took a big stock hit recently after showing less than stellar sales results this year and is looking to capitalize on Elon’s continued fame and clout and abilities too I would imagine in order to turn things around with big work.

Elon Musk Go Back To Work

What’s Elon’s big work, you ask? Well, someone’s got to make Grok sexy now, don’t they? Yes, that’s right, Musk unveiled a sexy anime skin for X’s chatbot to cover up its Nazi skin.

Will keeping touch-starved males at home to goggle at some AI-generated affection solve the population crisis that Musk so frequently criticises? Yes. Yes, it will. These men weren’t going to breed anyways. Keep them out, increase the quality of the pool. It’s genius. What’s that, did someone say eugenics? No, it’s not that. Shh.

What’s this got to do with Tesla? Well, Tesla’s making robots now, and they have to have personalities too, so what better than a sexy anime waifu? Sure, it’s serving popcorn now, but give it a few years and it’ll be serving ass too.

A massive amount of Elon’s stock pay is still tied up in a seven-year legal battle after a Delaware judge, Kathleen McCormick, ruled the $56 billion package was excessive. And honestly, I didn’t know judges could do that. Can Kathy weigh in on my unexcessive pay?

But what do you think? Should I be paid more? Let us know in the comments.

For more on this story, click here: Tesla Stock Self-Drives Into Canyon