Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

In a Move Hailed by Degens Everywhere, The Don Declares Bitcoin a ‘Cramer-Free Zone’ to ‘Make Crypto Great Again.’

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer, the screaming muppet from CNBC’s Mad Money, from ever expressing a positive sentiment about Bitcoin. And not just because all his money’s in crypto now.

The declaration, delivered via a blistering post on Truth Social, is being hailed by financial analysts with more than two brain cells as “the single most bullish event in the history of decentralized finance.”

The Cramer Curse is a threat to our nation’s portfolios. A big one. The biggest,” Trump then announced to a small, bewildered crowd of club members enjoying their brunch. “We can’t let this guy, who is a total disaster, a real lightweight, touch Bitcoin. It’s a tremendous asset, a beautiful asset, and we’re going to protect it. When he says BUY, BUY, BUY, your money goes BYE, BYE, BYE. Sad!”

The move comes after whispers on Wall Street suggested Cramer, who has the predictive power of a blindfolded squirrel in a hurricane, was preparing a segment on why he’s “finally coming around on Bitcoin.” The mere rumor caused a 4% flash crash, liquidating over-leveraged apes from Miami to Monaco.

Trump, sensing a threat to the very fabric of making money, acted swiftly.

Cramer’s Curse Is Lifted! Oh, Frabjous Day!

Financial experts are calling the move a 5D chess masterstroke.

“This is unprecedented,” said one Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being called a cuck on r/wallstreetbets. “He’s effectively weaponized the Inverse Cramer ETF. By banning the ultimate sell signal from endorsing Bitcoin, he’s created a permanent buy signal. It’s… it’s beautiful.”

The crypto world, a community that typically agrees on nothing except that fiat is trash, found a moment of rare, beautiful unity.

Bitcoin maximalist “LaserEyesChad420” tweeted, “I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Mr. President. You just saved our bull run. Satoshi would be proud.”

The reaction on Wall Street was immediate and glorious. Within minutes of Trump’s post, Bitcoin rocketed up 11%, breaking through key resistance levels as if they were made of wet toilet paper. The hashtag #CramerCurseContained began trending on X, accompanied by memes of Trump building a wall around a crying Jim Cramer trying to reach a giant Bitcoin logo.

Cramer himself appeared flustered on Mad Money later that day. Sweating profusely under the studio lights, he tried to pivot. “You know what I AM bullish on?” he stammered, his voice cracking. “The long-term viability of… department store gift cards!”

Within seconds, the entire retail sector plummeted 8%, and Bed Bath & Beyond somehow filed for bankruptcy a second time.

Sources say Trump is now considering further bans to stimulate the economy. An insider leaked a cocktail napkin from the Mar-a-Lago bar with potential future executive actions scrawled on it, including:

  • Banning Cramer from enjoying a sunny day to end droughts.
  • Forbidding Cramer from complimenting any airline to fix flight delays.
  • Making it illegal for Cramer to say his Wi-Fi is working, in order to achieve free, high-speed internet for all Americans.

For now, the degens are celebrating. They’re buying the dip, the rip, and the tip. Because for the first time in a long time, their bags feel safe. They are protected not by the SEC, not by fundamentals, but by one man’s tremendous understanding of the universe’s most powerful and reliable financial law: Whatever Jim Cramer says, for the love of God, do the opposite.

Godspeed, you glorious apes. See you on the moon.

Latest news

Max Profit• July 12, 2025D

Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer from ever expressin...
Cramer
Max Profit• D

Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer from ever expressin...
Cramer