Elon Musk Buys “Failing” NASDAQ, Renames It ‘X-Stonks Exchange’

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’