In what analysts are calling an “unprecedented artificial intelligence citation catastrophe,” shares of Alphabet Inc. nosedived after executives failed to mention “AI” a minimum of 100 times during their latest earnings call. The final count, a meager 79, has shaken investor confidence, leading to a frenzied sell-off in the tech sector.
Sources inside Alphabet claim that the company had a ‘three-digit mention’ strategy, betting on the hypnotic power of the term “AI” to woo investors. “We had one job: say ‘AI’ until they were so mesmerized, they wouldn’t notice any other details,” shared an anonymous staff member, visibly distressed by the stock’s plunge.
The earnings call, now infamously being referred to as “The 79-AI Disaster,” had analysts scrambling for their buzzword bingo cards, puzzled by the sudden silence on artificial intelligence. “It was like waiting for a sneeze that never comes,” said one Wall Street analyst, who claims the tension was palpable with each passing minute void of “AI” mentions.
In response to the crisis, Alphabet’s PR team is reportedly planning to release a new series of press statements, tentatively titled “AI: We Still Use It, We Swear!” Meanwhile, marketing is working on branding merchandise with “AI <3” for their executives to wear at public events.
Rumors are also swirling about Alphabet’s emergency initiatives to regain investor trust. Insiders report a proposal for an ‘AI jar,’ where executives must deposit $1,000 every time they fail to mention AI in public discussions. Proceeds are expected to fund a new program aimed at teaching AI systems to automatically interject with “Don’t forget about AI!” in all company presentations.
As the market reels from the 79-mention shock, other tech giants are taking note, with one CEO spotted frantically scribbling “AI, AI, AI…” in preparation for their next earnings call. The industry waits with bated breath to see if Alphabet can AI-its way back to Wall Street’s heart.