Chipmaker Intel has announced plans to revitalize its slumping business with a shift into the snack industry.
After losing over half its value this year and with rival chipmakers circling, the former king of processor manufacturing seeks to turn things around by manufacturing potato chips instead.
“I don’t know, I’m just sick of computers,” explained acting Intel CEO for the weekend, Ebson Debson, “You see ‘em everywhere. I got to look at ‘em all day. I’m just sick to my guts with their god-dang wires and flashing lights! There’s the chip wars, a chip shortage, AI chips, God, can everyone just calm down for a second? Like, UGH! When did global manufacturing become so political?”
“I want to go back to the earth, to the soil, to nature, make something that people really enjoy, you know? Everyone likes potato chips. Just cooked potato slices and salt. No more Intel EVO Core i5 seventh generation- SHUT UP! No, you can have plain, regular or original and that’s IT. …Plus, I just thought we wouldn’t have to redo as many signs and stuff.”
Intel is confident that the manufacturing process will require little to no modification, “Computer chips and potato chips are both small, thin and edible so just swap out a gear or two and we’re good to go!” claimed Debson.
Further plans include relocating all factories from Taiwan to Idaho and an ambitious ‘buy-back’ scheme where owners of Intel chips can trade in their laptops for a bag of Doritos.
Whether Intel’s new product will feature backward compatibility remains to be seen, but potato clocks are a thing, so science says you can switch out a Cheez-It for a graphics card and your computer should run just fine.
The move was met with enthusiasm and bemusement from Wall Street leading to an 11-point bump for the week, a phenomenon known as ‘chip don’t dip’ among insiders.
But how could this be profitable for Frito-Lay, I hear you ask? Well, Frito-Lay has now entered the bidding war for control of Intel in what could be the largest deal the snack/tech sector has ever seen.
Intel’s move isn’t without precedent, however, as other chipmakers have already invested in their own snack divisions. In a promo last year, Nvidia began selling lime-green coolant water, and in 2015, AMD received complaints for marketing ‘lickable batteries’ to children.
