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The Federal Reserve has uploaded a video tour of the Eccles Building’s refurbishment, apparently in an attempt to quell accusations of Jerome Powell misspending funds. Below is a transcript of that video:
“Hi, I’m Jerome Powell, and THIS is my crib.”
*2000s HIP HOP INTENSIFIES*
“Yeah, Rep. Anna Paline Luna, R-Fla. is referring me to the DOJ (not DOGE) for apparently lying about the cost needed to pimp this bitch, but hell, it’s all worth it when you check out this solid gold floor.”
*HIGH SPEED WALKING ON THE GOLD FLOOR MONTAGE*
“Right about here you got my all marble VIP dining room. I’m talking marble table, marble chairs, marble forks, shit, you can even eat marbles if you like.”
*JAY MIMES EATING MARBLES*
“Now I’m going to take you up to the top floor in my special elevator.”
*DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A FANCY BRITISH BUTLER*
“Going up, sir?”
“That’s my fancy butler, Maurice.”
*AD BREAK*
“Aight, we’re back, it’s your boi, J-P, and I’m showing off my crib. Right now we on the roof garden terrace, we got a brand new water feature, it looks like Vegas out here. And check out these beehives, man, I’ve got honey for days. You know Jay loves his honey.”
*BEEHIVE MONTAGE*
*Aight, let’s go back inside… Here we got my custom-made indoor bowling alley. All the pins are gold bars, no biggy.”
*JAY BOWLS A FLAWLESS STIKE*
“This is my firing range, and yes, all the targets are Donald Trump’s face. You want to take the minigun for a spin?”
*JAY UNLOADS 400 ROUNDS IN SIX SECONDS INTO A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT TRUMP*
“And that’s my crib! You just know the Eccles Building was in need of refurbishment and now it’s seriously pimped. You don’t like it? You can suck my dick. Jerome OUT!”
*DROPS MIC*
…Mr. Powell was fired the next day and never heard from again.
For more on this story, click here: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements
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