Bitcoin has finally surged to a new record value of $100,000 per coin and in completely unrelated news, McDonald’s is experiencing a staff shortage as crypto bros up and down the country quit their jobs en masse.
“Everyone’s leaving, I don’t get it,” commented one flummoxed manager whilst frantically trying to take my order and man the fryer simultaneously. “People are saying crypto’s hit big, but I don’t think so and I should know, all my money’s in Tether and that’s barely changed.”
Although this manager assured me the mass walkouts were unrelated, as we spoke one employee started jumping up and down, shoving their phone screen in people’s faces and yelling, “I’m RICH!!! I’m fucking RIIIIIICH!!!! Suck my massive green candle, Derek!!” He then ripped off his shirt, threw it down on the floor, and tossed his hat into the fryer which immediately exploded.
The McDonald’s company has released a statement in an attempt to cool down the situation. “The McDonald’s family wishes to sincerely apologize for any delays experienced during this sudden staff shortage. We can assure you that not every crypto bro works at a McDonald’s, although we know it appears that way.”
“We have no intention to close any restaurants as dozens of team members have remained at their posts. I know, I guess some just like it here. However, if you could help us out by ordering less food or even heading down to Shake Shack instead for a bit that would really do us a solid. Thank you, and as always: we are hiring.”
McDonald’s has long had a love/hate relationship with the crypto market. During the 2022 crash, they mockingly Tweeted out, “how are you doing people who run crypto twitter accounts” and even put up a billboard that read, “Hey Crypto Bro’s WE ARE HIRING” (which is definitely is real and the apostrophe typo is definitely just an aesthetic choice). Well, oh, HOW the Uno reverses, LOOK who’s hiring now, huh?
McDonald’s will likely never financially recover from this.
