Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!)

Elon’s undoubtedly pissed, but you know who else is pissed? Me. Because I just wrote an article about how he became the second richest man and now it’s INSTANTLY out of date. What the hell?! He was like $20 billion off Elon, how do you make $20 billion in a day?!? Someone please tell me now, I need to quit this job.

Anyway, you’re probably the same thing that Larry Ellison’s wife is wondering: who the hell is Larry Ellison? Well, he’s the CEO of Oracle and was formerly the world’s richest man.

What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 40% yesterday, after giving an optimistic shareholders report on the future of AI. Maybe giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $80 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $393 billion, just surpassing Musk’s $385 billion. Oracle shed those gains by the end of day and Musk reclaimed the top spot. (So what, it was just all hypothetical money anyways? What are we even doing here?)

Elon responded, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Larry had the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the Bloomberg rich weirdos index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, we almost had a new random rich guy that we would have had to have had learned about. Lucky he’s only SECOND BEST and we can all forget about that pathetic loser.

What will Larry do next? idk. Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

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