Money “Still Important,” Claims Top Bank

BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.

In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:

“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”

The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.

“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”

Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,

“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”

Cash Matters? Based.

In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”

After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.

Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.

In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”

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