Nestlé Stocks Dip After Firing CEO For Employee Relationship

Master chocolatiers and occasional slave owners, Nestlé, have SACKED their chief executive for getting in the SACK with a subordinate, leading to a TUMBLE (of stocks that is).

You probably know the Swiss food company as the makers of Kit Kats, Nespresso, Nesquik, Nescafé, Nestea and Nes-restrictions-to-clean-water-in-West-Africa. BUT WHERE THEY DRAW THE LINE is when Laurent Freixe gets freaky with an employee.

Through Nestlé’s internal whistleblowing channel (nicknamed ‘Toot Sweet’) Nestlé chair Paul Buckle found out about the scandal and immediately donned a deer-stalker hat and pipe and buckled down to a full investigation.

After the plot thickened thicker than an unstirred glass of Nesquik, Buckle called in the big guns: you all know him, it’s everyone’s favorite: independent director Pablo Isla! 

But even Isla couldn’t crack this case and so he reached out to an “independent outside council”, the only one who could possibly solve this mystery, the only group trained to find secret CEO affairs wherever they hide, that’s right: Coldplay.

Coldplay immediately set up a sting operation involving two concert tickets, a massive spotlight and a kiss cam. The stage was set and Freixe fell for it hook, line and sinker. Heheh, no one can resist the Play.

After piecing together the clues of the lipstick, the candlestick, and the dick-pic, Buckle immediately fired Freixe for the undisclosed relationship, deemed a clear conflict of interest. And Nestlé is NOT interested in conflict.

“This was a necessary decision,” said Buckle, sipping on a delicious Nespresso. “Nestle’s values and governance are strong foundations of our company. I thank Laurent for his years of service at Nestle.” 40 years, btw. A lifetime of work thrown to the wind in a moment of passion? And no exit package?! What a waste.

And so it ends. Well done, Nestlé, that’s another moral wrong righted. It’s time to get back to what you do best, aggressively marketing your baby formula over breastfeeding in developing nations.

Nestlé awaaayyyy!!!

For more chocolate news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced