Trump FURIOUS With Positive CPI

President Donald Trump is reportedly furious that this month’s CPI (not the TV show, that’s CSI, I know, I got confused too) was a real win for him, coming in cooler than expected, with a (still high but) lower-than-expected inflation rate and an all-around bullish outlook for the economy.

Trump was keen for even better results than ‘OK’ and took to Truth Social to say, “CPI more like CPR! (NEEDS RESUCITATING!!) A minus is not fair when I deserve an A+++ S-TIER BIG WIN!!! The inflation rate is lower than anyone could have predicted but it needs to be LOWER! Jerome Powell will still swivel on a stick over this. CUT THE INFLATION RATE! TARIFFS WORK!!”

Sources close to the president say that he either wanted a really bad CPI that he could blame on Biden, Powell, Hilary, and the Illuminati OR a really, really good CPI that he could blame on himself. However, with only a mildly good CPI, Trump has reportedly smashed his favourite orange juice glass and sworn four times in the last hour.

Here is the CPI in full:

Judge: PA 429, K% 25.4, BB%16.1, wOBA .484, xwOBA .467
Soto: PA 423, K% 18.4, BB% 18.2, wOBA .386, xwOBA .455
Ohtani: PA 438, K% 24.9, BB% 14.2, wOBA .410, xwOBA .429
Crobes: PA 500, K% 8, BB%% 9.1, wOBA .800, xwOBA .1

Oh, wait, sorry, those are baseball statistics. Here’s the right one:

US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (YoY): +2.9% vs +3.0% expected, miss of -0.1%
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (MoM): +0.2% vs +0.3% expected, miss of -0.1%
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (YoY): +2.7% vs +2.7% expected, meets consensus
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (MoM): +0.3% vs +0.3% expected, meets consensus

…whatever that means. Maybe that’s why Trump’s angry, maybe he’s looking at this like I am with a squint and a big, “Huh?”. No one wants to look stupid. Especially when it’s your job to know these things…

That last comment was not directed at Jerome Powell. Please don’t sue me.

For more finance news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced