Warner Brothers, the legendary company that brought us classics like “Casablanca” and “The Matrix,” has found itself in a bit of a pickle, as its stock took a nosedive faster than Superman on Kryptonite, plunging 19% last Wednesday. The company’s portfolio is looking sadder than a Batman v Superman Rotten Tomatoes score.
In what industry analysts are calling “a performance more disappointing than ‘Suicide Squad’s’ plot,” Warner has reported a loss so wide you could drive the Batmobile through it, with television revenues vanishing like a disillusioned audience during the interminable third hour of “Justice League.”
The executives at Warner are pointing fingers at Hollywood strikes and a difficult ad market, which is Hollywood-speak for “Please don’t look at our latest box office returns.” Insiders, however, can’t help but whisper about the studio’s misadventures in DC Land, where the Justice League is less “Super Friends” and more “Super Frenemies.”
Warner Brothers has treated us to Batfleck, whose portrayal of the Dark Knight was as warmly received as the Joker at a Gotham City Police ball. Then there’s the silver-screen version of The Flash, whose most remarkable feat seems to be breaking into places faster than you can say “legal streaming services.”
And who can forget “Wonder Woman 1984”? A film that promised us a return to the glorious ’80s but instead delivered a plot as confusing as a Rubik’s Cube solved by a toddler.
But fear not, faithful viewers, Warner Bros has a plan: A Harry Potter remake. Because nothing says “innovation” like rehashing a story that’s been told more times than Dumbledore’s age. JK Rowling, the Mother of Wizards herself, has promised this new series will stick closer to the original material than Harry’s glasses to his face – meaning, of course, it will be absolutely, positively devoid of any of that pesky “wokeness” that never featured in the books… that were all about the acceptance of different peoples and cultures.
So, as the studio prepares to cast yet another Expecto Patronum spell to conjure up profits, one has to wonder if perhaps Warner Brothers might need a bit more than magic to pull themselves out of this latest financial Chamber of Secrets.