JPMorgan Warns Of 60% Tesla Stock Crash, Will Elon Musk Back Down?

Probs not.

In one of the most bearish calls against Tesla stocks (and shares), JPMorgan analyst Ryan Brinkman (lol) just warned that the EV car stock could fall as much as 60%.

Yep, we’ve been here before. Tesla has just been under delivering and overpromising, missing its sales targets by over 50,000 units. Now its global unsold inventory has reached 164,000, you know, the thing that they’re supposed to make and sell?

For all the talk of the AI bubble bursting, here’s a little mini one right before our eyes. Because Tesla’s always been overhyped and underdelivering. And now with the removal of the EV tax credit and mounting competition from China, it’s no wonder Elon’s doing the frantic U-turn to AI and robotics.

But Musk himself isn’t going anyway, he’s got a big bonus check to cash, afterall. So really if anyone should be concerned about this news, it should be him…

But don’t just listen to me, here’s what AI had to say on the matter (because you’re interested, I’m sure, not because I’m under the word count…):

The Tesla Cassandra Prophecy from Wall Street

In a move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with the dynamic between legacy finance and the electric vehicle disruptor, JPMorgan Chase & Co. has issued a dire, nay, apocalyptic warning: Tesla stock (TSLA) is poised for a 60% crash.

The report, allegedly penned on parchment by a team of analysts wearing high-collared, Victorian-era waistcoats, detailed a complex financial model based primarily on The I Ching, the phases of the moon, and the current level of social media dopamine swirling around CEO Elon Musk.

“Our rigorous discounted cash flow (DCF) analysis suggests that the market has fundamentally mispriced the true value of a company that is simultaneously a car manufacturer, a battery grid operator, an AI/robotics pioneer, and the primary funding mechanism for colonizing Mars,” stated lead analyst, Bartholomew “Barty” Giltedge, who reportedly still uses an abacus for all calculations over $100 million. “Specifically, the stock is currently trading at 800 times future earnings, 400 times past earnings, and approximately 1.5 million times the average analyst’s personal sense of self-worth.”

Elon’s Inevitable Response: The Tweet Heard ‘Round the World

As the financial world convulsed, bracing for a response that could range from a simple ‘u ok hun?’ to an announcement that Tesla would now accept payment in Dogecoin minted on the surface of the Moon, Elon Musk delivered.

At 3:00 AM PST, precisely 48 minutes after Barty Giltedge’s report hit the wire, Musk tweeted a single, cryptic image: a picture of a particularly smug-looking Shiba Inu piloting a Tesla Roadster into orbit. The caption, which instantly became the new gospel for retail investors, read: “JPMorgan is just jealous they didn’t get to name their satellite company ‘Starlink.’ 🚀 LMAO.”

In the subsequent hours, Tesla stock briefly dipped 0.5%, then inexplicably soared 7% after an army of retail traders—affectionately known as the “Musketeers”—interpreted the tweet as a clear signal that the next quarter’s earnings would be entirely denominated in space-based digital assets.

Tesla? You Betcha

So, will Elon Musk “back down” from his current trajectory of pioneering technologies, defying traditional valuation metrics, and occasionally causing multi-billion dollar swings with a single emoji?

Market consensus suggests that this is about as likely as a hedge fund manager admitting they were wrong about Gamestop.

“Asking Elon Musk to ‘back down’ is like asking the ocean to stop being wet,” commented Dr. Minerva Quibble, Professor of Technosocial Dynamics at the University of Unquantifiable Metrics. “His valuation model isn’t based on EBITDA; it’s based on sheer, unadulterated narrative momentum and the future utility of memes. JPMorgan is operating in 3D chess, but Elon is playing 5D quantum Go Fish.”

Meanwhile, Barty Giltedge and his team are reportedly updating their model, factoring in the newly discovered variable of “Inu-Astronautical-Market-Sentiment.” Their new price target, subject to change based on the weather in Boca Raton, Florida, is expected sometime next week, provided the abacus doesn’t run out of beads.