BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

The financial world was rocked today as CNBC’s loudest oracle, Jim “Inverse ETF” Cramer, assured investors that “the banks are fine,” prompting immediate panic, mass withdrawals, and the sound of short sellers gleefully clicking “Buy.”

“Look, I’ve seen this before,” shouted Cramer on Mad Money, veins pulsating with the passion of a thousand margin calls. “The fundamentals are strong, balance sheets are pristine, and I swear, this is not another 2008!”

Markets took this as an omen of biblical proportions.

Within 30 minutes of Cramer’s statement:

• Wells Fargo stock dropped 9%, then glitched and turned into a Spirit Airlines voucher.
  
• Bank of America issued a press release titled, “We Definitely Have Your Money, Please Stop Asking.”
  
• Regional banks began rebranding overnight into sandwich shops, citing “a higher yield on mayo.”

“Every time he says something is ‘fine,’ I short it like my rent depends on it,” said Reddit user @StonkJesus420, currently up 600% on a leveraged inverse-Cramer ETF that doesn’t technically exist, but somehow still trades on Robinhood.

The Federal Reserve, when asked for comment, stared blankly into the abyss and slowly backed into a broom closet. Jerome Powell was last seen speedwalking to his bunker with a suitcase labeled “Plan Z.”

Meanwhile, SVB’s former marketing team has launched a new startup called “Definitely Not A Bank,” which promises your deposits are “emotionally supported, if not technically insured.”

Cramer, undeterred, went on to recommend First Republic Bank as a “strong buy” before it was promptly sold to Chase for a box of expired Lunchables and a signed photo of Jamie Dimon riding a unicorn.

“Honestly, I feel good about the economy,” Cramer said later in the program, moments before a Nasdaq server burst into flames and began playing Nickelback on loop.

Disclaimer: If Jim Cramer says your house isn’t on fire, please check your smoke detector immediately.

For more garbage news, click here: Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.