Elon Musk Finally Buys Mars

Elon’s got a lot to jump for joy about right now. Having successfully bought his way into the next presidential administration, along with several successful rocket launches recently, now Musk is in discussions to sell insider SpaceX shares that could rocket the company to a valuation of $350 billion. This would make it the most valuable start-up on the planet(s) and enable Musk to finally achieve his dream: of buying Mars.

Now, it seems like that would be a lengthy process but since no one currently owns Mars, the purchasing method is actually quite simple: you do some bribes, baby!

First up on the bribe list is the big boys: the NASA. This shouldn’t be so hard since you have something they don’t: leverage. You see they need something you have which is: big rockets. Without them, they can’t do: space exploration. Which they love. AND they are always desperate for one thing: funding. So it’s easy, slip them a couple of Benjis to say, “Yeah you can buy the Mars, why not?” and they’ll be golden.

Next onboard the bribe train is… I don’t know. Who’s in charge here? The UN? Sure. We’ll bribe them, too, just in case.

And finally, the most important people to pay if you want to own Mars: the Official Star Registration Organization. Now this is the only universal authority to actually recognise interplanetary purchases: you get a certificate and everything. So, if Elon wants Big Red: this is a must bribe.

Once that’s all in place (and he should still be under his $350 billion budget) he can start sending rockets, baby. Now I’m no rocket scientist but Elon if you’re listening, I’d suggest sending the big ones first that way you can get more equipment across there faster.

You’re going to need a town hall: that’s a first-up, no-brainer. This will be the place where all the legal sessions will take place so you’ll want to get that settled from the start. I’m thinking of going for a classic colonial brick style, but that’s up to you.

Next, you’ll need to think about resources. If you plant wheat seeds by a water source it’s only about twenty minutes before they’re ripe for plucking which will generate gold and occasionally drop crystals which you can spend on cosmetics and level-ups. I know that doesn’t seem important right now but if you want to sustain a Martian colony that’ll really come in handy in the long run so Musk, I’d really suggest investing in this EARLY.

I mean, then you’re golden! You own the Mars. You’ve got yourself a stable economy. And you’re still a wealthy man. Who knows maybe you could rename yourself Elon Mars? I don’t know, just a suggestion.