Following a growing spate of wait-can-a-president-really-do-that-now moves, Joe Biden has pardoned himself of “any wrongdoing and any crimes committed in the future and present across the universe”. When asked what specific crimes he is pardoning himself for, Biden stared back, a tinge of red in the darkness of his eyes, and said, “You’ll never know.” He then smiled and left.
Why the presidential pardon exists is still a matter of debate among historians. Some claim it was the traditional pardoning of the turkey that enshrined the practice into law. Then, during the presidency of Richard Nixon, lawyers pointed out that there was nothing stopping the president from extending the law to people. Nixon went ahead and used this loophole to pardon an associate and convicted arsonist, Walther Gaté in what became known as the Walther Gaté scandal.
With a presidential pardon, a president can just wave their magic wand and remove any convictions on any individual. Like a king, you know the thing America revolted against.
With just weeks left in office, Biden has used the pardon on himself but it is unclear if these are secret crimes of which the public is unaware, or if this is a kind of pre-pardon and the soon-to-be-ex-president plans to go on an epic bender doing every kind of drug and taking a dump on various national monuments.
Whilst he was at it, Joe Biden has also pardoned his son, Hunter Biden (no relation), just for lols. Who this ‘Hunter’ character is, what exactly he has done and why j’Biden would feel strongly enough to pardon him, all are questions lost in the mists of time. Maybe we’ll never know.
Biden now joins Trump and Clinton on the list of presidents who have pardoned their relations. Unlike those presidents though, Hunter hadn’t served his sentence yet so this one works more like a ‘get out of jail free card’.
This is a great look for any Democrat trying to say the president is not above the law and will certainly not backfire when Donald Trump is able to pardon without obstruction the historic drug crimes of one Donald Trump Jr., the historic sex crimes of one Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy, the historic animal crimes of one Joe Exotic, the historic riot crimes of everyone at January 6th, the historic fraud crimes of himself and the a-historic cybersex crimes of himself in future year 3025AD (aka CyberTrump).
For anyone interested in having their crimes forgiven please head to ‘royalpardon.com’, fill out the form with your name, crime, who you voted for, your relationship with the current or future president and they will get back to you with your pardon in 3-5 working days.
