Local Man Rushed To Hospital With Severe Case Of Diamond Hands

A young man was rushed to hospital yesterday after contracting an extreme case of cryscarbomanification, more colloquially known as ‘diamond hands’.

Vilo Jenson, an unemployed amateur financial trader from Western Puttersdown, began complaining about a lack of feeling in his fingers last week but put it down to excessive computer usage. When Mr. Jenson started to see glinting, glass-like bumps on his palms, however, he called his broker who advised him to call an ambulance.

‘Diamond hands’ is a rare but highly contagious condition in which a person’s hands and various brain regions are converted into diamonds. The condition only tends to affect those engaging in online trading and can prove fatal.

The doctors who treated Mr. Jenson say it was the most extreme case of diamond hands they had ever seen. “By the time he arrived his hands were entirely made of diamonds,” commented Dr. Groobish of Eastern Puttersdown General. “Poor guy must have been hodling for months.”

Doctors were successfully able to remove his hands and replace them with temporary paper prosthetics. Mr. Jenson says he plans to sell his amputated diamond hands at auction to pay for the surgery and to cover his investment losses.

“We were lucky he came to us when he did,” continued Dr. Groobish. “Any later and his entire body might have been turned to diamonds and no one knows if a fully diamond man can survive for much longer than 20 minutes. There is a slim chance he might have become a superhero called Diamondman but we couldn’t take those odds.”

“Yeah, my life is pretty much ruined,” said Mr. Jenson after the surgery. “I needed those hands for… well, for activities. Yeah, now I’m probably rich, but at what cost? At what cost, Max?!” (Note, my name is Max.)

Despite the setback, Mr Jenson plans to get straight back to investing. “I guess I could use my computer with my feet. Tippy-tap with my toes? Diamond feet, that’s a thing right?”

Unfortunately, doctors were unable to salvage the affected regions of Mr. Jenson’s brain.