Gold At New ATH Ahead Of Government Shutdown

As Congress once again sprints toward its favorite seasonal tradition of not doing its job, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not the government should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

Shoppers Rush to Prepare

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting the government is just vertical integration.”

Politicians Respond To Gold

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

The Future of Gold

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

Who knows what will happen next, but one thing remains clear: the American dream may be tarnished, but at least gald’s still shiny.