InfoWars Buys The Onion

In a bizarre Uno reversal of fortune, far-right conspiracy theorist website InfoWars (“There’s a War on For Your Mind!”) has stumped up the cash to purchase satirical news website The Onion.

The surprise move is the latest in the saga that began when the families of the Sandy Hook victims successfully sued Alex Jones for defamation. With a hefty bill of $1.5bn, Jones then declared bankruptcy and had to auction off his InfoWars company. NEXT, the parody site The Onion made the winning bid for the platform and announced that they would shut down his supplement shop. BUT just this week a judge rejected the sale claiming that the auction was unfair as counter bids had not been allowed at the final stage. YOU FOLLOW ALL THAT?

But NOW, to add an extra spicy twist in this long tale, InfoWars has bought the Onion after a successful counteroffer that is definitely possible because I remember reading about how Discovery bought Warner Bros and Discovery was like a fraction of the size so if that can work then, sure, why not?

When asked what they planned to do with the site, InfoWars spokesperson Blalex Blones said out loud, “Idk [sic], we’ll probs just run our stories, unedited on their site, I don’t think people will be able to tell the difference.”

Concerning their precious supplements, Blones added, “Oh yeah, we’ll still sell the supplements. Obvs we’ll still sell them. They do nothing but people keep buying ‘em. It’s like free money. Maybe we’ll make them onion-flavored, you know, in memoriam.”

“And if no one buys the onion supplements we’ll probably have to shut the site down. I mean, it’s legacy mainstream media fake liberal woke propaganda anyway so I doubt anyone will miss it. We’ll cut it up, sell it for scrap. One-third will probably go to my eldest daughter, another to my second, and a third, the most delicious part of the onion, I shalt gift to my youngest, my most beautiful daughter, Cordelia.”

CEO of The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron (surprisingly real) commented following the news that he would likely go into hiding and live out the rest of his days with the bears and the wildebeest. (omg is that how you spell wildebeest?? OH it just autocorrected again, so it’s never been wilderbeast? Wait let me check. Yeah, that’s how you spell it, oh, it’s Dutch? That explains it, they famously can’t spel. Wow, I guess I have never written that word before… I wonder what other words I’ve never written… ‘Spelunking’? ‘Frobisher’. ‘These cocktails were reasonably priced’. ‘Maudlin’. …What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, I think we’re done here anyways. Byee.)