Following numerous unexplained drone sightings, New Jersey parking authorities have determined the origin of the strange lights to be a massive Iranian spaceship floating above the clouds in violation of parking restrictions.
“I was just going about my shift,” explained 46-year-old Anos Eliz, the traffic warden who discovered the craft. “I mostly cover the suburbs but that night I thought I’d just have a quick sweep of the local airspace. I couldn’t believe it, there it was, a giant metal spaceship, flashing lights, drones flying in and out. I’m not sure how anyone missed it. Definitely Iranian.”
“First thing I said to myself was you can’t park that there,” continued Eliz. “Parking restrictions go to 7 on Fridays and I couldn’t see a permit in the windshield so I had to book it in.”
Eliz says he then alerted his colleagues to help clamp the craft but they were unable to find a wheel of any kind.
“That’s when we called the police, the fire department, the navy, the Coast Guard, the Pentagon, the NSA, the NASA, the girl guides, my therapist, and the United States Army but they all said we were hallucinating. I know what I saw though, so we took down its license plate and hit it with a hefty ticket. Only fair. Next thing it had cleared off, so who’s the hero now? Eliz, that’s who.”
Although the Pentagon has denied the existence of such a ship, New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew said that this was in fact an Iranian mothership and that he learned this information, “from high sources. I don’t say this lightly.” But obviously Jeff’s an idiot because this is CLEARLY an alien craft. When aliens have travelled 40 million light years to reach us OBVIOUSLY the first place they’re going to visit will be New Jersey. Obviously. …Iran? That makes no sense, why would Iran want to go to New Jersey? No, aliens is the only possible explanation.
The drones themselves could not be reached for comment although I did shout up at one that flew over me the other day so don’t ever call me a phony journalist again, Mom.
