OpenAI Valued At $500 Billion According To ChatGPT

Hey ChatGPT, how much is OpenAI worth?

“It depends a bit on how “worth” is defined (valuation vs market cap vs private share value)…”

I don’t care, how much gram? HOW MUCH GRAM?

“The latest credible estimate values OpenAI at around $500 billion per a recent secondary share sale. Prior to that, earlier in 2025, OpenAI reportedly raised money at a $300 billion valuation. If you like, I can also estimate its implied valuation based on its revenues, growth, and comparable tech companies — would you like me to?”

No, no, shut up, please.

Well, there you have it. Must be true, no conflict of interest there. …oh wait, it is true? Oh, OK then, never mind. I owe you an apology Chatterp.

Right, yeah, according to BLOOMBERG, the ‘non-profit’ OpenAI just completed a deal to let their employees sell their shares. I wrote about this before so I’m just going to copy and paste that previous article here and just update it. You don’t mind, right?

So the record-breaking $500 billion valuation is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world. That’s more than SpaceX ($400 billion) or ByteDance ($220 billion). Wait, can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up.

Current and former employees cashed out $6.6 billion in stock options. Now I’m not an economist or even qualified to be writing a joke finance blog, but shouldn’t that have lowered the stock price, not raised it? If everyone’s selling, that means no one wants it, right? Right? God, I don’t understand any of this.

ChatGPT? More like, GyatGPT, am I right?

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)