Last week, Meta (the parent company of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Meta) cracked down on staff members spending meal credits on non-meals, firing 24 staff members for buying toothpaste, wine glasses, and food. Now, the tech company seeks to reduce employees wasting valuable work hours on breathing.
“Time theft is not a joke, Jim,” claimed Meta spokesmodel, Jeremiah Fargenshirts. “Millions of companies suffer every year. We pay our workers to work on work time. If they aren’t working and instead engaging in frivolous activities like breathing, then that money is effectively being stolen.”
In a leaked internal memo, Meta suggested employees take “a deep breath before arriving at work so that their responsibilities can begin promptly. Short intermittent bursts are acceptable when accompanied by a doctor’s note but hyperventilation will not be tolerated.”
The move comes as other companies across the tech sector are looking to cut down on bodily functions. Google famously restricts arm movement in all its offices, and Amazon advises employees to hover a few inches off the ground to prevent unnecessary leg exertion.
Meta was asked if maybe this new anti-breath policy was an attempt to curb the spread of respiratory diseases like COVID but Meta said, “No, no, we just don’t like people.”
“The ideal employee,” continued Fargenshirts, “doesn’t need to breathe. They don’t complain, they don’t unionize, they don’t take sick days. They are intelligent, sure, but that intelligence is more artificial. Artificial intelligence if you will, or for short, ‘artifint’. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”
“It’s not so hard, look, I’ll show you.” Fargenshirts then proceeded to demonstrate his devotion to the company by holding his breath. The spokes-speaker went for an impressive seven minutes without oxygen, batting off bystanders’ attempts to make him breathe.
All without breathing, Fargenshirts overdramatically mimed an employee going about their day-to-day duties, entering the office, typing at their computer, receiving an irate email from Deborah, responding to said email politely, getting up to fetch a coffee, accidentally passing Deborah in the corridor, failing to avoid eye contact with Deborah, receiving an in-person admonishment from Deborah, laying out a clear series of steps and procedures to avoid such an incident in future, being told that she tried that and ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about’, rolling eyes after Deborah leaves, and handing in their notice citing Deborah’s disrespect as a primary motivator for quitting.
Eventually, however, Fargenshirts turned a worrying shade of blue and collapsed to the floor, presumed dead.
Meta has announced the spokes-guy will receive a posthumous ‘employee of the month’ award for his sacrifice.