Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually

After entering into a very public spat with Marjorie Taylor Greene (green? And is it hyphenated? There’s no way of knowing…) over the release of the Epstein Files, or as I like to call them, the Epstein DOCUMENTS, Trump has now about-turned and is urging all Republicans to vote in favor of releasing the so-called Epstein documents because he definitely isn’t in them and wasn’t campaigning to keep them secret which kind of looks like he’s in them and no one wants to think that you’re best friends with a pedofile (peadophile? Is it hyphenated?) anyways the point is that Trump just realised he’s not in the Epstein file (s) because he took a close look himself and got his name removed so now if they get released he’s not in them haha, take that Democrats, he just needed a moment just to check on some things **quickly scrubs out name**, Ok, it’s good to go now, you can vote in favor of the release but only because that’s what I was planning to do the whole time and not because I removed my name from them that would be crazy and illegal? No, when the President does it, it’s not illegal.

Is that enough for an intro paragraph? Yeah? Ok.

Keyword: Epstein

I mean, that’s it, there’s not much else to say. What do you want from me you want me to embellish more? You’ve not read this far, I know you’ve not read this far. You have the attention span for the first half a second of a tik-tok video and then you black out, no way you’re reading even a hundred words.

What’s that? I still have to reach a word count? Jesus Christ, this is supposed to be my day off and I’m very drunk… Alright, FINE, chatgpt, take the wheel:

Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually
By The Unnamed Yet Deeply Exasperated Political Desk

In a surprise press conference held somewhere between a golf course and a courtroom, former President Donald J. Trump announced Monday that, upon careful review of the newly released Jeffrey Epstein files, he has determined that he is, in fact, not in them—despite several entries that appear to contain his name, handwriting, and what experts have called “a very Trump-shaped silhouette.”

“I looked through the documents very strongly, very powerfully,” Trump told reporters. “And I can tell you, with tremendous certainty, many people are saying I’m actually not in there. If anything, they put my name in as a compliment. A tribute, really.”

Trump then held up a stack of papers that, upon closer inspection, were blank except for the words “NOT ME” scribbled in Sharpie at the top of each page.

‘It’s Just People Who Look Like Me,’ Trump Explains

Asked about references to “Donald Trump,” “DJT,” and “Trump + 2” in flight logs and phone directories, Trump dismissed them as “ridiculous coincidences,” adding that “Trump is a very common name, like Smith, or Caesar.”

He continued, “There are lots of Donalds out there. It could be anyone. Could be Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Could be Don Draper. You don’t know. Very unfair to assume it’s me.”

Trump then briefly suggested the documents may have been forged by the Biden administration, the FBI, the deep state, the shallow state, and “possibly Disney.”

Advisors Back Him Up, Sort Of

A senior aide speaking on condition of anonymity confirmed that the campaign’s official position is that Trump is “not in the files unless there’s something positive in there,” at which point they reserve the right to say “he’s always been in the files, more than anyone.”

Another advisor noted that Trump believes his presence in any document is voluntary.

“Mr. Trump views documents the same way he views subpoenas,” the aide said. “He’s only in them if he agrees to be.”

Crowd Reaction Mixed, Confused

At a rally held later that evening, supporters embraced the announcement with the same enthusiasm they typically reserve for merch tables and conspiracy theories.

“If Trump says he’s not in the Epstein files, then the Epstein files are wrong,” said Linda Harper, waving a sign that read “DOCUMENTS LIE.” “Besides, he said he didn’t know Epstein that well—just, like, in all those photos.”

Others expressed uncertainty.

“I mean… I saw the documents,” said Ray Mullins, wearing a “Make America Document-Free Again” cap. “But I also heard Trump say he’s not in them. So I guess reality’s split 50–50 right now.”

The Conclusion: A New Presidential Doctrine

Trump ended the day by unveiling what he called the “Trump Doctrine of Documentation,” which states:

Any document that mentions him negatively is fake.
Any document that mentions him positively is true and historically significant.
Any document he doesn’t like will be replaced with a document he wrote himself.

“From now on, I will be deciding which documents contain me,” Trump said. “No more surprises.”

He then departed the stage to thunderous applause, or possibly the sound of reporters head-desking—sources disagree.

If you’d like, I can also generate a shorter version, a harder-hitting satirical op-ed, or a parody news broadcast to accompany it.

NO, no thanks ChatGPT, that’ll do, I don’t care. Publish.