Job Openings Are Now Lower Than Employment, Dealing Massive Blow To Preachy Boomers

New employment figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics suggest that boomers across the country can no longer tell younger generations to just cut out avocado and Netflix and ask their neighbor for a job.

As the latest JOLTs report suggests, there are more unemployed Americans than job openings for the first time since April 2021. Experts fear that some common phrases will have to be retired, including ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and ‘back in my day you’d get a job by working hard, not like nowadays, where you can just do a tick-tock.’

The report has investors betting on an interest rate cut, whilst some even fear a recession. Others have suggested, however, that the solution is ‘a bit of elbow grease’ and a willingness to ‘just get your hands dirty’.

“Maybe if these millennial freaks started actually buying houses rather than just master-bating all day, then they’d have a job to go home to,” suggested one boomer who asked to remain anonymous. “You know why there are no job openings? Because there’s more unemployment, not the other way around. I say, bring on the AI.”

Others remain more optimistic, however. “While the labor market is slowing substantially from its peak,” explained RSM economist Tuan Nguyen. “There are few signs of an imminent downturn. In fact, when looking at job openings alongside the unemployment rate and payroll gains, conditions appear close to the long-term, non-inflationary level the Fed has aimed for.”

Oh, ok, never mind then.

Some reasons for the low employment levels include an aging population, Trumpian immigration policies, and the closure of Bob’s Auto Parts Coles, which employed at least five people in my home town of Coles, Georgia and honestly I don’t think it’s coming back so we’re all just going to have to rely on Coles Mechanics which is just isn’t as good, so that’s a factor.

But what do you think? Are you unemployed and looking for a job? Because we’re hiring! Please send your favorite meme and $43 in a sealed envelope to this address: Pen Smith, 14 Mabole Drive, Coles, Georgia and I’ll get back to you right away with a job, I promise.

For more financial advice, read this one: Pyramid Scheme of the Week!