In an attempt to summarize users’ listening habits, music streaming platform, Spotify has inadvertently revealed top-secret government information.
Rather than viewing their streaming figures, some Spotify users were met with a colorful presentation of CIA, NSA and FBI statistics, some of which implied war crimes, all to the tune of Chappell Roan’s 2023 hit ‘HOT TO GO!’
“Hi, America! It’s that time of year again!” the short video sequence began before displaying the message, “You conducted 3,421 undisclosed military operations this year. That puts you in the top 12% of aggressors worldwide.”
“While it’s not a competition… there is a leaderboard,” the video continued. “Your top songs were:
1. Yemeni Radio Chatter 00:84:24.4 10.08.24
2. DLL/AfterMidnight/Encoded/84_3.mp3
3. Born In The USA
4. Proj.KD.hostage.redacted.executive
4. White Noise (Spooky Version)
5. HOT TO GO!”
“Your biggest day was 12 March when 673 malware programs were successfully installed on the personal computers of Russian diplomats. Where do you find the time?”
“You conducted espionage against 46 different sovereign nations this year. But one country was on repeat, repeat, repeat… Your top country to spy on was: The United States of America. Congratulations, you played yourself.”
“You’ve changed. And so has your combat tactics. Let’s look at your 2024 Positional Implementation.” Spotify then listed 106 global coordinates linked to previously undisclosed military bases and weapons caches. “Your vibe was so Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop.”
Users were then played a short thank-you video from Dick Cheney before the presentation concluded with, “Thanks for being complicit, until next year!”
Intelligence agencies and politicians alike have been quick to disregard the stats as entirely fabricated and called for an international arrest warrant for anyone who uses the service. One spokesperson from the CIA said Spotify’s intel can’t be accurate as agents are forbidden from listening to Chappell Roan because “She’s clearly a Russian asset”.
Since every user received slightly different information, analysts are working to decode the potentially millions of pages of government secrets now available to the public. One busy-body reporter has already pointed out that since Spotify is a Swedish company the leak may constitute an act of war.
What do you think? Is Apple Music the superior streaming service? Let us know in the comments.
