Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.
Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.
Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.
Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.
A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.
Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.
Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.
How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo
