Riding his momentous victory against the 58-year-old former heavyweight champion, YouTuber Jake Paul has scheduled his next match against ‘Zeke Peterson’, a local 9-year-old who likes dinosaurs.
Zeke, who has no known boxing experience is said to be excited for the match, commenting, “I’m scared.”
Jake Paul made similar fighting comments saying, “I’m gonna rip off that little punk’s head, drink his blood then throw his body down at the feet of his weeping mothing! YOU’RE NOTHING, LITTLE BOY! NOTHING!”
Zeke will be trained ahead of the match by his best friend Noah who was expelled from his last school for ‘biting’. “Zeke’s a tough kid,” said Noah with the mannerisms of a 40-year-old. “Sweet, but tough. He’s got the advantage ‘cos he’s small and scrawny so I’m gonna teach him to be fast, outrun this Paul fella. The guy’s what, 27? Practically an old man, we got this in the bag. The pensioner’s goin’ down.”
“But yeah,” added Noah in a whisper. “We do have a will prepared, just in case.”
Jake Paul (who has a beard) was once a maker of fine video content for the inter-connected computational devices (YouTuber). These videos would consist of tricks, jokes, shocking moments, sketches, video game playing, beating up old men, beating up young men, pulling faces, and wearing surprising clothes. It was seen as inevitable then that Paul would seek to recreate his virtual virality in the real world with shocking acts of violence.
Paul’s match against Mike Tyson however was dull, despite drawing in 60 million viewers to watch the spectacle. Rather than showing the match in real time, first-time sportscaster Netflix opted to display still images of the fight in a slideshow format. Then, once the fight was reaching its climax the streaming service switched to text-based coverage broadcasting the cryptic title screen “Netflix has encountered an error. Retrying in 1 second. Code: tvq-rnd-101” which presumably translates to ‘Jake Paul is winning’.
The final scores were 80-72, 79-73 and 79-73 which means something, I think. Idk, Jake Paul won and boxing lost, that’s the headline, kids.
Tyson was paid $20 million in a match that will forever tarnish his legacy as the two-time heavyweight champion of the world and a convicted rapist. Paul on the other hand walks away with $40 million and a bright future in punching.
The Peterson v Paul showdown will stream everywhere, New Year’s Day, exclusively on Quibi.
