Earth’s Core Now Banana-Shaped Claim ‘Scientists’

In a shocking discovery that has shocked scientists and sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a research team has discovered that the earth’s core is not spherical as previously thought but is in fact, now get this, you won’t believe this, are you sitting down? Ok, the earth’s core is actually… a banana (in shape).

So this comes from the same self-proclaimed ‘scientists’ who recently used earthquake waves to work out that the earth’s core had recently started spinning in the opposite direction (phff, yeah, sure). And as if that wasn’t crazy enough the latest info says that the core can actually change shape (oh, yeah, pull the other one) and though once a sphere, the core may now be closer to banana-shaped (mmhmm, ok, I’ll believe it when I see the peer-reviewed paper).

“Great, now I have to throw out all these schoolroom geology posters,” exclaimed Preston Menaris, local geology professor. “Banana is stupid and silly, why couldn’t it have been an egg? Then at least I could have just drawn the new shape over the top of the old one. A banana? That’s nothing like an egg!”

The finding has naturally fuelled conspiracy theories. Mr. Orten Mavish, High Priest of the Cult of the Banana, is one of the few excited by the news. “The Cosmic Ape is real and this proves it!” said Mavish who believes that the universe was created by an almighty, Donkey-Kong-like figure. “He’s hungry for banana! Soon we will be chimp food! Yes, soon! SOON!”

Core Values

The research also found that this is far from the core’s first shapeshift. The molten center of our planet has previously taken the shape of a diverse range objects such as a cube, an oblate spheroid, a jar of Nutella, a two-dimensional hexagon and a perfect 3-dimensional representation of Mark Wahlberg’s bald head as featured in Flight Risk (2025).

Scientists assure me that the impact of this fluctuation will be minimal and only countries like the United States, China and much of Europe will face unprecedented volcanic activity that will kill millions.

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