Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney Presidential Medal of Freedom for “Saving The Economy”

The White House has just announced that actress and internet obsession Sydney Sweeney will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, for saving the economy, having good genes/jeans and for her “tireless commitment to maintaining the average male dopamine level in the 21st century.”

The announcement, made via an emergency press briefing and a shirtless Jake Tapper TikTok duet, sparked celebration across Reddit threads, X accounts with anime profile pictures, and the offices of every hedge fund junior analyst named “Chad.”

Sweeney, 27, known for her roles in prestige television and for somehow turning a simple tank top into a nationwide distraction, reportedly accepted the award with humility and a cryptic Instagram caption that read, “🍒✨thank you Mr. Prez✨🍒.”

Financial markets reacted immediately. WallStreetBets declared a temporary truce on their AMC vs. Tesla civil war to launch the $SWEEN ticker, a new meme stock backed by nothing but gifs and raw testosterone. Within minutes, shares had surged 420% before immediately crashing when it was revealed the ticker was actually just someone’s Robinhood typo.

Meanwhile, TikTok financial influencers called the Medal of Freedom award a “strong bullish indicator.”

“This is basically the government confirming what the free market already knew,” said @stonks_gawd69 in a video captioned “$SWEEN TO DA MOOOON 🚀🚀🚀.” “Sydney Sweeney is America’s GDP now. She’s the only thing keeping this entire economy from collapsing into a pile of lithium-ion dust.”

Not everyone welcomed the move. Critics pointed out that Sweeney has yet to release an NFT, start a skincare line, or host a podcast with Logan Paul—standards traditionally required for true American heroism in 2025. A White House spokesperson confirmed those concerns were “valid,” but added that “not every legend has to sell supplements to count.”

According to leaked documents from the Department of Homeland Security, the Medal ceremony will include a 21-thirst salute, and all major streaming services will temporarily rename their “Trending Now” section to “Sydney’s Sizzle.”

When reached for comment, Sweeney simply smiled and said, “Freedom looks good on me.”

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