Fed Announces Bold New Haircut

Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell reveals SHOCKING new look, cutting his luscious locks by a MASSIVE 0.5%, the biggest trim he’s gone for in four years.

Taking the stage to showcase his new bob, Powell initially wore a brown paper bag over his head to build suspense. The audience waited with bated breath before Powell threw off the bag to reveal his dramatic transformation. Gasps could be heard from the initially surprised crowd but after a cheeky spin and a sassy pout, the press were won over to Powell’s fresh do.

“Today my barber and I decided to reduce the degree of scissor restraint by lowering my hair-growth-coverage by a half percentage point,” the chairman explained at the conference and on IG Reels with a light makeup filter, “This decision reflects my growing confidence in my appearance and that with an appropriate haircut, strength in social situations can be maintained and hair growth will move sustainably down to two percent.”

The Fed’s new cut is a great look and is predicted to be a real trendsetter for the Autumn with the European Central Bank, the Bank of England and Jessica Biel already flaunting similar stylish cuts.

Fashionistas are already lining up to praise Powell’s sleek getup. “It was innovative,” commented Peter Hooper, vice-chair of research at Deutsche Bank. “Getting closer to neutral is probably the right place to be,” added Tiffany Wilding a Pimco economist.

The move also comes as a relief to many citizens who have been contending with Powell’s longest hair in two decades and were beginning to miss his pretty baby blues.

“I think it really suits him,” said local Jamba Juice frequenter, Janet Egglegomortian, “He looks more his age now I think. He’s an old guy, what is he, pushing 40? Yeah, you don’t want to look like some floppy-haired freak at that age, kids will get scared. Mmm-hmm, yeah, short back and sides is more my kind of man. I definitely would.”

Powell’s barber declined a request to comment on the situation.