Google Allowed To Keep Chrome And Android But Must Turn Off Incognito Mode

In a landmark ruling, regulators announced today that Google may continue operating its Android and Chrome empires but only if it shares its data with other companies and finally admits that “Incognito Mode” is about as private as shouting your search history from a moving train.

According to the Department of Justice, Google’s so-called “Incognito” feature has “misled millions into thinking their browsing was invisible, when in reality it was like putting on sunglasses and assuming you’re invisible at a nightclub.”

The compromise lets Google keep its two most valuable products, but forces the company to pull the plug on Incognito Mode, which officials described as “essentially just regular Chrome with a trench coat and fake mustache.”

“We Found Out What You’re Really Doing at 2AM”

One DOJ lawyer explained:

“People thought Incognito Mode was like a digital invisibility cloak. Turns out, it’s more like a cardboard box over your head with holes cut out. Everyone can still see you, especially Google.”

Millions of Americans are now realizing that every late-night search for “does my cat secretly judge me” or “how to make a flamethrower with household items” has been proudly filed away in Google’s servers, next to Grandma’s Gmail chain letters.

Google stock dipped briefly after the ruling, before bouncing back when analysts remembered that Incognito Mode was mostly just used by dudes named Kyle hiding their “stepmom stuck in dryer” binges.

One trader shrugged:

“Honestly, Google losing Incognito Mode is like McDonald’s being forced to admit the McRib isn’t real meat. Everyone already knew.”

In a statement, Google said:

“We respect the court’s decision, but want to remind users that even without Incognito Mode, you can still clear your history every 6 to 8 minutes like a totally normal, well-adjusted human being.”

Meanwhile, regulators hinted that similar cases may be coming:

Apple might be asked to prove “Private Browsing” isn’t just Safari with a darker theme.

Microsoft Edge will be forced to prove someone, *anyone*, actually uses it.

Moral of the story: If you really want to browse privately, just throw your laptop in the ocean and move to a cave.

For more Goolge news, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit