Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has emerged from his cave to announce a new peer-to-peer messaging app that works entirely using Bluetooth. Elon Musk immediately took to X and joked that he would buy the new company for $69 trillion, an agreement he’s now legally bound to uphold.

The very cleverly named Bitchat lets you chat in bits, but also, and get this, it lets you BITCH AT people! Get it? Who knows, maybe it’s even Dorsey’s not-so-subtle way of getting back at everyone, particularly Musk, for buying his baby and renaming it something stupid.

Dorsey touts Bitchat as a decentralised messenger without central servers, email addresses, phone numbers, carrier pigeons, or even Charlie the Amicable Postman to deliver messages.

How it works is completely baffling to a layperson like me. Isn’t Bluetooth a super short distance thing? Can I only send messages to my headphones, is that it? Maybe it’s just for friends that are in slapping distance, in which case I’d just send a slap.

Oh, it’s OK, Dorsey explained on X that, “Bluetooth mesh networks, relays and store and forward models, message encryption models, and a few other things.” Ah, that clears it up then.

Right, I’m reading more, and it’s like the message gets Bluetoothed from one phone to another and ping pongs until it gets to its recipient. But what if you’re out of range of a Bluetooth? Does this only work in dense cities and cramped elevators? 

I guess we’ll see. Like I said, I’m not the guy to ask. Even though I guess you’re here asking. Crap. Didn’t think of that… Err… SMOKE BOMB!

Oh, you’re still here. Well, I’m still no better at explaining this tech. I mean, it’s going to be folded into the X empire very soon so you probs don’t need to worry about it. Even if you do end up using it, do you really understand how your phone works at the moment? No. Me neither.

If you have any more questions, please, send me a Bitchat.

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