Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ new New Glenn rocket was grounded from its first launch just six minutes before it was scheduled to blast off. Bezos reportedly commented, “Can’t lie, I am disappointed. I was really looking forward to leaving this hellhole of a planet.”

Bezos continued to explain that he had wanted to surprise everyone and “do a French exit” by only announcing his departure once the rocket was already in flight. “That way no one could have stopped me.”

When asked about his motivation for wanting to leave Earth, Bezos said, “It’s very simple: I despise this planet. I always have. There’s wars, there’s famine, there’s fires raging in California and only one of those is even my fault. I woke up one morning and just thought you know what, it’s time. And I recommend everyone build their own $2 billion rocket and do the same.”

Although the Amazon Prime boss did not explain where the rocket was going, many speculate that New Glenn’s final destination would have been Elon Musk’s secret base on Mars.

The colony, which is 100% real, features entirely automated luxury mansions for the ultra-wealthy. Ordinarily, however, billionaires would only go to Musk’s Martian Plaza when they ‘die’ and travel in rockets disguised as satellite launches. But for Bezos, clearly, he could not wait another seven years.

Ironically Jeff will have to wait a little longer as the rocket has been grounded after a “vehicle subsystem issue”, in layman’s terms: a fuck up. The rocket will likely launch at a currently undecided later date, but if I had to guess I’d say July 6th at 10:43 am.

Alongside Bezos’ secret escape, the New Glenn rocket is supposed to show off Blue Origin’s first orbit and reusable rocket landing. Bezos has denied any attempt to copy Elon Musk’s homework.

The New Glenn is so named after the first American to orbit the earth, John Glenn. He’s the old Glenn, whereas this rocket is new, so it’s New Glenn. If you are aware of any other Glenns, please let us know in the comments below.