Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions.

China’s chip is a modified version of Nvidia’s existing Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 processor, like how my bicycle is a modified version of a Lamborghini. The chip won’t have advanced features like high-bandwidth memory, NVLink interconnects, and a free carrying case.

All of this is an effort to prevent China from once again harnessing the power of American tech, like when they stapled two Nvidia chips to an iPad last year to make DeepSeek, which blew everyone out of the water. Remember that?

America’s version of the chip, on the other hand, dubbed the Freedom Eagle Chip, will be the most powerful chip the world has ever seen, featuring a stars and stripes vinyl wrap and the sounds of an eagle’s kaw-KAW every time you run a process.

Take that, you commies.

Despite this, Huang’s meeting in Beijing plans to reaffirm Nvidia’s commitment to China and China’s commitment to Nvidia, who are both in too deep to turn back now. And hey, if Huang slips a couple of chips out of his long trench coat on the way, who’s watching? Trump, hahaha, lol, no, his eyesight isn’t that good. He can’t see all the way to China. What are you talking about?

Nvidia is like the biggest company in the world or something, becoming the first company to hit a $4 trillion market cap on Wednesday. But the corp’s stock is still at the whim of the ever-swaying tides of tariffs, so who’s to say how things will shake down?

Not me, that’s for sure.

For more lacklustre tech predictions and predicaments, read this one: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports