OpenAI Needs $6.5 Billion To Stop Robots Turning Evil

Insiders at ChatGPT creator OpenAI say the company has begun talks to raise $6.5 billion from investors, the final push needed to create non-evil artificial intelligence.

In a statement, OpenAI has suggested that creating a ‘good’ AI costs exactly $6.5 billion and 46 cents whereas ‘evil’ AI has a lower price tag of $6.1 billion and a nickel. 

“We can make an evil one, sure, yeah, that’s easy. A good one though, you’ll have to pay up for that,” said OpenAI spokesman and part-time ethicist, Jim Morales. “Just how it is on the streets, if you want morality, it’s gonna cost you extra… $0.4 billion extra. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

Thrive Capital, Microsoft, Apple, and Nvidia are all said to be rushing to invest and delay the impending robo-pocalypse but whether they will raise the funds to make a moral AI or come up just a penny short and damn us all to complete annihilation at the cold, merciless hand of an uncaring machine hellbent on the complete and utter destruction of the human species, remains to be seen.

This new funding round would put the company’s valuation at $150 billion. Coincidentally when asked, ‘What is OpenAI worth?’ ChatGPT responded, “Well, shucks, that’s a mighty fine question there pardner! I’d be obliged to value that swell company at around one-hundred-fifty-smackeroos!” OpenAI declined to comment on ChatGPT’s new ‘Ol-Timey Prospector Mode’.

The new valuation will make OpenAI one of the most highly valued start-ups ever, closely trailing Elon Musk’s SpaceX, although not literally, rockets move faster. The rise to a $150 billion valuation is a significant increase from the company’s $86 billion worth at the start of the year. 

“Well, yeah, because we’re the front line against the Borg!” responded Jim Morales who we thought had left. “Look. The thing is we were kidding the first time around. What we made were large language models and just called them artificial intelligence because it sounded cool but they’re only really intelligent as much as a parrot really thinks you’re a pretty boy then. The real AI is coming and baby it is scary. I can see one around the corner now, big shiny Schwarzenegger-type fella, he’s gonna getcha! Quick, money, quick, quick. You wanna get got, do ya, DO YA!?”

Whether OpenAI can prevent AI-mageddon with more AI remains to be seen but our thoughts and prayers go out to the $150 billion company in its time of need.