Stranded Astronauts Decide To Remain On ISS “Earth Sucks”

Despite finally receiving their ride home, the two astronauts stuck on the International Space Station have decided they’d rather stay up in space after all.

Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were only meant to be on the ISS for eight days but after technical issues, they were forced to remain for nine months. Now a SpaceX capsule carrying a replacement crew has docked with the station but the two astronauts have decided, “Nah, we think we’ll stay here now.”

“Idk,” said one of the astronauts out loud, “Seems like there’s a lot going on down on Earth and I feel like y’all have got it covered.”

“Yeah, Earth sucks. Life is just simpler up here,” continued the other. “Yes, our bone density is rapidly deteriorating and the radiation exposure will one day kill us but at least I don’t have to pay taxes. …Wait, what did you say? I do still have to pay taxes? Oh. Oh god.”

Suni Williams has described the space station as her “happy place” but refused to comment on how she would describe Earth.

The company tasked with initially bringing the crew back but suffered the malfunction was Boeing, because of course it was. But don’t worry, Boeing has now assassinated everyone who leaked the story to the press.

Boeing did fix the problem and the craft scheduled to return them was probably fine, but NASA was not happy to take even the minimal amount of risk. NASA thus went with Boeing’s rival, SpaceX which is suuuuper embarrassing for Boeing.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk also weighed in because you can’t have a news story without them now for some reason. Trump explained the cause in one word: “Biden,” whilst Musk said, “They were left up there for political reasons.” It remains unclear which way the astronauts voted or if their two votes would have really had any sway in the election they missed.

Wilmore and Williams are due to remain on the ISS now indefinitely but have insisted that they will stay on board until the ISS is decommissioned and crashes into the Atlantic Ocean in the 2030s.
“A captain goes down with their ship as they say and a space captain goes down with their space ship, if you’ll excuse the pun!”