March Madness Deemed Contagious And Fatal By Leading Doctors

A panel of leading medical experts has issued a health warning against the neurological condition colloquially known as ‘March Madness’.

Although previously thought to be just a fun moniker for the NCAA Division I men’s basketball competition and the betting surrounding said sport, March Madness is in fact a real disease and could potentially kill us all.

Citing a surge in stress-related ailments, sleep deprivation, emotional distress, and increased gambling, doctors are now calling for immediate action to mitigate the fatal consequences of ‘bracket mania’.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“We’re witnessing a public health crisis of unprecedented proportions,” declared Dr. Doctor (geniuniely his real name), a renowned cardiologist and self-proclaimed “bracketologist.” “The symptoms of ‘Bracket Fever’ are unmistakable: elevated blood pressure, heart palpitations, nail-biting, and an unhealthy obsession with Cinderella stories and buzzer-beaters.”

Emergency rooms across the country are reporting a dramatic increase in cases of “Bracket-Induced Anxiety Disorder” (BIAD), characterized by an irrational fear of busted brackets and a debilitating inability to make coherent decisions during the tournament.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“The sleep deprivation alone is alarming,” warned Dr. Sonambulatorious, a leading sleep specialist. “Fans are staying up all night, glued to their screens, tracking every upset and agonizing over their bracket picks. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

The emotional toll of March Madness is equally devastating. “We’re seeing a surge in cases of depression, anger, violence, arson, and most worrying of all: basketball,” said Dr. Feelgood, a psychiatrist specializing in sports-related trauma. “The agony of a busted bracket can trigger a cascade of negative emotions, leading to strained relationships, workplace conflicts, and even acts of arson. Everyone’s becoming a real… basket-case.”

Calls for Immediate(ish) Action

The medical community is calling for immediate(ish) action to address this national health crisis. Proposed solutions include:

• Bracket Bans: Prohibiting the creation and sharing of brackets and any form of parenthetical [including the square ones] {and even those cool wiggly ones}, effectively eliminating the source of stress and anxiety.
• Mandatory Timeouts: Enforcing mandatory month-long breaks in the middle of games to allow fans to de-stress, regain their composure, and maybe go to the toilet if they need.
• Bracket Therapy: Providing professional counseling and support groups for those struggling with bracket-related trauma.
• Upset Alerts: Implementing a national alert system to warn fans of impending upsets, allowing them to brace themselves for the emotional impact.

The Future of March Madness: A Disease We Can’t Cure?

Leading doctors fear these measures might not be enough and that sports fans across America and the globe might already be infected with the disease and could now be dormant carriers of the madness. The only hope may lie in developing a vaccine or treatment for March Madness, but the clock is ticking as the madness continues to spread.

For more sports-related disasters, read this: Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running