Trump Completes Hostile Takeover Of TikTok

“We have a deal on TikTok, I’ve reached a deal with China, I’m going to President Xi on Friday to confirm everything up,” Trump explained to reporters just before boarding a plane going to England… Wrong way, Don.

Years in the making, TikTok and the government finally have a deal that allows it to continue spying on Americans, so long as it’s American companies doing it.

Trump et al were worried that TikTok could potentially be a surveillance/manipulation tool from the Chinese government. Cue a million committee meetings and a million empty threats to shut the app down unless it gets sold to an American company.

Wait, this just sounds like a way of getting a cut of one of the most profitable social media apps on the planet… Is this a hostile takeover? This is just a hostile takeover, isn’t it? This is like what gangsters would do, “HEY! You’re on my turf! This here’s Jimmy the Turd’s territory. You want to keep doing business here? Well, ok, you can but you’ve got to let one of my boys do it for you, one of my friends, then we’re going to get a cut, understood? Aight, because it’s that or I break your legs.”

But that’s all intellectual because now a deal’s been reached and TikTok’s US business will be handled by a US consortium featuring the likes of: (play that cool intro music we talked about)

TECH FIRM… ORACLE!

PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM… SIIIIIILVER LAKE!!!

And VENTURE CAPITAL FIRM, ANDREESSEN HOROWITZ!!!!

Woop woop! Never mind that Oracle is run by Larry Ellison, the second (formly first) richest man in the world and massive Trump head (that’s they’re called, right?) idk about the other guys, I’m not looking it up.

Man, it’s almost like the US is an oligarchy or something.

This new entity will control 80% of TikTok in America. I’m assuming other places will just carry on with the Chinese version.

The new board has announced a rebrand for TikTok which will recolour its logo into a more patriotic red white and blue and have seamless integration with the Truth Social app.

Maybe we’ve learned something from the Chinese after all…

But all this is the long game. It’s not hard to see that this might be a bargaining chip to sweeten the deal during the trade talks and maybe win over those precious Nvidia AI chips that China so desperately craves.

Who knows. Let’s see how this plays out.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Delays TikTok Ban: “I Have Too Many Bangers Waiting In My Drafts”