2026 Starts Strong as Everyone Still on Holiday Pretends to Work
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2026 kicked off with record optimism as millions of employees logged on remotely just long enough to confirm their laptops still exist.
Workers across industries proudly marked themselves “online,” a term that now means “near a device and thinking about emails emotionally.”
Slack activity surged briefly as employees sent strategic messages like “Happy New Year!” to establish presence without commitment and then wiggle their mouse a little bit every twenty minutes.
Managers reported high morale after several team members replied “circling back soon,” a phrase economists classify as fictional output. One employee claimed to be “heads down on priorities,” despite being in the cinema watching the new Avatar.
Calendar data also shows meetings were scheduled, ignored, rescheduled, and then quietly removed in what experts call peak productivity theater.
Emails sent this week averaged six words and zero decisions, setting a strong tone of intentional ambiguity for the year ahead, however, IT departments confirmed nothing was broken, largely because no one tried to use anything yet. Meanwhile, auto-replies insisting “limited access” continued firing like a lie detector that’s been unplugged.
Sales in “teaspoons to put on the trackpad so it seems like there’s activity” are reportedly through the roof however.
Executives praised the smooth start to 2026, noting that pretending to work is still technically work if everyone agrees. At time of writing, employees were seen opening spreadsheets, sighing deeply, and closing them to “revisit after the holidays,” which somehow still aren’t over.
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