Baby Oil Stocks Slide After Diddy Arrest

Following the arrest of disgraced rapper and hip-hop mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, shares in baby oil have dropped to an all-time low as demand for the liquid has completely dried up.

Officials seized more than 1,000 bottles of baby oil and lubricant during raids on P. Diddy’s houses in Miami and LA about six months ago and the industry has yet to recover.

Notable suppliers of baby oil such as Augsto’s Slip ‘n’ Slide Emporium and Shell have all taken massive stock hits following the seizure. Now baby oil enthusiasts are demanding law enforcement to release the impounded oil and help ease the global shortage.

“It’s a simple case of supply and demand,” a baby oil spokesperson, who proved spillery to nail down for comment, Jonathan Johnson explained, “You cut off the demand, you cut off the supply and Diddy was the demand. Without him, we’re just going to have to go back to selling oil to babies like losers.”

Baby oil, despite the popular misconception, is not oil made from babies but can be a prime ingredient in making babies. Sean Love Combs (yes, he legally changed his middle name to Love) allegedly used the oil during so-called “Freak Offs” in which participants would have to drink baby oil, I guess? I don’t know, that seems really gross, hold on, let me Google it… Oh god. Oh god, no, it’s way worse, ugh, oh geez, OK, I’m not typing that. Yeah, OK, prison seems fair, keep this guy as far away as possible from any kind of oil.

Sean John Combs (that’s his birth name because I know you were curious) is credited for raising the notoriety of the Notorious B.I.G. and for moving Mary J. Bilge into the spotlight. Unfortunately Diddy also did the illegal kind of moving women and now awaits sentencing for sex-trafficking and baby-oil-stock-manipulation.

Puff Daddy was also famed for smash hits ‘Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down’ and ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ and for smash hits directed at women. As it turned out Mr. Combs could be held down by police and will be missing fresh air for the foreseeable future.