Trump To Reopen Alcatraz Just For SBF and Diddy

El Presidente Donald Trump has announced his plan to reopen San Francisco’s island prison of Alcatraz, but this time with just two inmates, disgraced crypto bro Sam Bankman-Fried and disgraced creepy bro, P. Diddy.

Reportedly, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried were sharing a jail cell in New York and hit it off. So well, in fact, that Trump now says, “It would be inhumane to separate them, you know, like guinea pigs.”

“I’m going to reopen the Rock and it’s going to be for the world’s toughest criminals, and I mean really mean guys. I’ve got two to start with. Diddy. SBF. We’ll put Epstein in there if we ever catch him. It’ll be like Arkham Asylum. But real. And more secure.”

Completely remodelling the former prison for just two inmates would seem cost-ineffective, but Trump has assured voters that it’s not.

“It’s just an idea I have and i guess because of these judges they want trials for every single one of these illegal immigrants in our country, it’s ridiculous, but Alcatraz has long been a symbol, I don’t know why, but it’s long been a symbol of law and order in our country and we’re going to think about that.”

Trump, “Sam Bankman-Not-Quite-So-Freed”

When Alcatraz closed in 1963 it was three times more expensive to run than any other prison. But that’s before they got dat Diddy money! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* BrrrrrAPP-BRAP!! Yeah, they can afford it now fo sho. Fo sho!

Sure, they’d have to knock it down and start over but phhhffff, that’s worth the price to keep us all safe? Us all safe from Diddy (and SBF)? Heck, I’d pay the moon not to have him sneak into my room at night. Heck, I say ROCK HIM UP!

For more on this story, you can read this one too: SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison