Scientists Discover New Species of Wombat That Only Eats Doritos

New research conducted by the PepsiCo company has uncovered the existence of a rare, previously unknown species of wombat that subsists solely on Doritos.

Ingeniously named the ‘Doritos Wombat’ (Doritophagus nachoensis), this remarkable marsupial has evolved a triangular snout perfectly adapted for chowing down on tasty tasty Cool Ranch Dorito chips and dipping into “our wide selection of dips and salsas”.

“We were initially sceptical when we first heard reports of wombats eating Dorito chips,” said D.R. Andrews (not a doctor), lead author of the study published in Chips and Dips Monthly. “But after conducting extensive field observations and laboratory experiments, we can confirm that the Doritos wombat is indeed a real animal.”

According to D.R. Andrews (again, that’s just his initials), the wombat is believed to have originated in the southwestern United States. Although wombats are not native to this region it is presumed that an escaped pet, subsisted solely off the popular snack and bred to form the new species. The wombats have since spread to other parts of the country and have been spotted in states as far away as Canada and Gaza.

“This wombat is a testament to the incredible diversity of life on Earth and the delicious taste and wide range of Doritos products,” said D.R. Andrews (His name is Desmond Raymond Andrews, the fact he goes by D.R. is just misleading).

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, to promote the discovery, the snack company behind the chips has launched a tie-in ‘wombat flavor’, set to hit shelves next year. They also hope the renewed interest in the snack will increase sales (of the snack that is).

Conservationists are concerned that the wombat’s reliance on a single food source could make it vulnerable to population declines if Doritos were to become unavailable or reformulated. Doritos and Dorito-branded products have now been placed on the endangered species list, the first time anything other than a species has received such an honor.

“We need to protect the Doritos wombat and its unique dietary habits,” said D.R. Andrews (I’m sorry, but legally I have to clarify every time, that this man is not a doctor). “We owe it to future generations to ensure that this amazing creature continues to grace our trashcans. If you love nature, keep buying Doritos!”

This article is sponsored by Doritos.