Newly Released JFK Files Reveal Cause Of Death Was Suicide

Donald Trump has released more than 63,000 previously redacted pages about the death of President John F. Kennedy. After scouring 2,200 files, experts have unanimously concluded that JFK was not assassinated as previously thought but his death was likely a suicide.

Although numerous conspiracy theories have abounded since the death of the president in 1963, it turns out this new evidence concludes that they are all wrong.

Documents include an invoice paid by JFK himself for Lee Harvey Oswald’s travel expenses and correspondence between the two men, detailing that JFK was eager to “go out with a bang.”

Scholars now believe that JFK paid Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate him in order to escape his crippling mafia debts and an undiagnosed addiction to “eating chalk”.

However, a newly unredacted (just ‘dacted’ then?) autopsy report reveals that it was not Oswald’s bullet that killed the president. Instead, anticipating that Oswald would be a poor shot, JFK hired a second shooter to hide on the grassy knoll, just in case Oswald missed.

That second shooter happened to be drunk on the day of the shooting and so also missed, forcing JFK to take matters into his own hands. The president subsequently fired a shot from a concealed revolver in his lap up into his own head and face. The weapon was later hidden by Jackie Kennedy who was reported eager to conceal her husband’s actions. Suicide is a sin after all.

And all of this took place simultaneously.

Understandably the American Government of America was keen to hide this information in order to protect JFK’s pristine image and the sancriscant office of the President. The information has thus been kept hidden from the public until now.

Although fans of outlandish explanations might be disappointed, hopefully, this new information will put to bed all conspiracy theories about the incident forever and no one will need to discuss it ever again.