Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

But I’d still like you to try. No, please. I’ll wait. Go ahead, guess… No. Wrong. Fine, I’ll just tell you.

It’s AI, but not in the way you think.

Because there’s a trend lately of tech companies laying off people in droves and then saying it’s because they’ve been replaced by AI. Whilst this seems cold to us humans, for tech CEOs you appear to be tech-forward and pro-AI, increasing your perceived value to investors when you are in fact downsizing.

Because the truth is normally that AI is a smoke screen for mismanagement and poor sales requiring redundancies. For example Jack Dorsey’s ‘Block’ fired a bunch of people and claimed it was because of AI when really they just overhired during COVID but wanted to look tech-forward to investors.

In the case of Oracle it’s a little different because the company is in the process of upscaling its business, specifically in the AI sector. “According to analysis from TD Cowen, the job cuts are expected to free up between $8 billion and $10 billion in cash flow, money the company urgently needs to fund a massive buildout of AI data centers.”

And there it is.

It’s OK, you’re not being replaced by AI, you’re being replaced to make way for AI.

Completely different.

Not that that’s any consolation for those who’ve lost their jobs. 30,000 people across America, Europe and India who had to wake up to a cold email saying you’ve been let go. That’s not the way to do it, guys, have some self respect.

So let’s here it from just a small fraction of those affected. These are all from Reddit:

u/TattoosAndBeers: “My dad has worked for Oracle for 20 years, worked for the same boss for 20 years. Not even a phone call. These companies are evil What is he supposed to do for the next 2 years? Keep in mind, he has cancer and now he has no health insurance.”

u/PossibleElectrical13: “I was also laid off after almost 5 years, but it was yesterday. My, now former, manager had scheduled a call last Friday for a “quick catch up” where he told me the news. Oracle had transferred me to Canada from the U.S. 6 months ago. Now my family and I are alone and jobless and with immigration uncertainty. At least we had one last call before I was locked out of everything.”

u/seesitesound: “I was with Oracle for 26 years, and got the email at 6am. That they didn’t bother to do a phone call is disgusting, cowardly, and just plain ugly. I loved my time at Oracle – up until September, 2025, when I was moved to a different team in my org. Still doing the same thing (which I loved), plus new stuff (which I didn’t). New manager.

Once there was talk of RIFs, my manager (a VP – I was M5), FREAKED out – going on and on about losing his job, polishing up his resume, etc. etc.

I realized then that he wouldn’t hesitate to put me on the list to save himself, which is what happened. I have no idea the impact of the rest of his team, but I suspect that because I was new to that team, they went with last in, first out. Everyone else had worked for him for a number of years.

None of them know what I did despite trying to share the load – I still gave updates to my previous manager. New manager literally did not give a shit, and his team was the least welcoming group I’ve ever worked with.

It’s easier to lay blame on one person, right or wrong, and I blame him. I wish him discomfort every day of his life moving forward, and that he never knows a moment’s peace. I will be fine. I’m so, so sad. But I’ll be fine.

Also, sidebar: I always kind of vaguely understood that Larry Ellison was not a good guy. But recent months have driven home what a truly bad person he is.”

It’s like Ocean’s 11,398 out there…

You haven’t heard the news? Heists are cool again, baby! Ever since the Louvre was robbed back in October and became a viral joke, the world has been poised to enjoy some serious crime but alas, the police sirens have remained silent.

UNTIL NOW! And of when it rains, it pours, as two have come along at once. The first is the news that 400,000 KitKat bars have been stolen enroute from Italy to Poland. One can only assume the goods were lifted from the moving truck in a daring heist on par with a Fast and Furious movie.

It remains unclear whether the thieves plan to sell on their ill-gotten snacks or just eat them all themselves.

And the other big story is that four masked men stole three paintings with a total value of €9m from an Italian gallery (there’s Italy again). The heisters made off with a Renoir, Cézanne and Matisse in under three minutes which is not nearly enough time to make a full movie about this.

But how do these latest heists rank with some of the biggest in history? Let’s rank them below because why not?

At 9:30 in the morning, four masked intruders climbed a ladder, broke intruder window, and stole over $102 million worth of jewels from the Louvre museum in Paris, all in under eight minutes… and they didn’t even pay for any of it.

Yes, this is the Louvre jewelry heist, the biggest heist in France since Nicolas Sarkozy heisted dirty Libyan money for his presidential campaign.

But how does it compare to previous heists in the world? Let’s take a look at the top ten museum heists ranked by how cool they were (plus some random means because why not?):

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist

I know it’s popular but guys, the museum’s password was just ‘Louvre’ as fun as it was, it doesn’t compare with the big guns below.

9. Ocean’s 8

Obviously, the Ocean movies have to make an appearance on this list and I’m NOT talking about Finding Nemo here. The eighth entry into the series is maybe the worst, but not because it has women in. I am not a misogynist… No, this movie sucks because the plot sucks. There literally isn’t a clever heist in here, no clever twist; they just take the necklace. It sucks.

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

Yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but apparently this is one of the most stolen paintings in the world, having been stolen in 1966, 1973, 1981 AND 1982 wtf guys, literally just put it somewhere else.

7. Ocean’s 13

The second worst Oceans film is the third in the original trigonal. I literally don’t remember the plot of this one. Forgettable. Not as good. 2/5.

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

Probably the biggest art heist in American history and still unsolved. 13 priceless works were nabbed by two men disguised as police officers in the early morning. They tied up the security guards and made away with half a billion dollars worth of merch. You know, movie shit.

5. Ocean’s 12

Speaking of movies, it doesn’t beat the original, but it’s better than the other two. Ocean’s 12 is a fun return to the series and I think this is the one where Julia Roberts plays Not Julia Roberts and everyone hated that plot point but I thought it was really funny.

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

This one is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to the Louvre heist. It also involved a ladder and breaking in with sledgehammers so idk, maybe the same guys? The paintings were only recovered from the Naples mafia 14 years later. Crazy.

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

Ngl, it was pretty slick. Felt like I was in Finding Nemo and everything.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

Literally the reason that the Mona Lisa is famous. It got stolen the Lovre (Lovure?) by an Italian employee who thought the painting belonged in Italy. Fair point. The painting was only recovered years later but by that point it was too late, they’d already made mugs and t-shirts and everything.

1. Ocean’s 11

The OG, the GOAT, the HTMI cable, Ocean’s 11 is actually a remake, not a lot of people know that, but it’ll always be the original in my heart. Maybe the coolest heist out there so I think it trumps all the real ones imo.

But what do you think? Let me know in the comment section we don’t have below.

So you’ve got yourself an AI bubble. A pretty little ball of soap and air, just floating on the breeze. You love your bubble, you don’t want it to pop. You’ve kept sticks and knives and other sharp objects well away from it so you can enjoy your bubble for as long as you like.

But what’s this? No matter what you do the bubble keeps slowly drifting downwards, down, down, down to the inevitable ground. Oh dear.

What can you do? Well, panic first of all. Once you’ve done that, now you know there’s nothing you can do to stop this bubble popping, you look around and see something, idk what it would be in this contrived analogy… a giant ball of steel?

It’s just as shiny, just as round, but, unlike your bubble, it’s not going to pop and it’s not going anywhere.

Sorry, was this too convoluted? The bubble is AI and if it wasn’t obvious, the big ball of steel is more stable assets like energy and industry that have stayed strong despite the volatility of AI.

I’m just offering you that timeless piece of advice: diversify your assets! Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Especially if that basket is entirely made of hype. Instead, shop around, mitigate risk, find that dream blunt rotation that mixes stability with reward, OK?

Because a lot of people are asking right now whether AI is actually creating the productivity boom it promised or just market volatility. Because yeah, it seems like all anyone cares about atm is tech stocks, as one X poster surmised: “’The Market’ is just a guy staring at two screens. One has Truth Social. The other is Anthropic’s blog.”

But given that investors have been getting a neck cramp from all the whiplash tech stocks have been doing, it feels like AI isn’t a sturdy foundation upon which to build an economy.

So yeah, by all means have fun with the AI hype, but stay safe out there kid, make sure to mix in some stability with your volatility and don’t forget to wash your hands.

THE President Donald Trump has just created the ‘President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology’ (PCAST) in order to bribe tech leaders, sorry, in order to advise on AI policy and other issues. This can only go well.

Appointed to the Council of Doom we have all the familiar faces, Mark Zuckerberg (of Facesmash fame), Oracle CEO Larry Ellison (of friends with Donald Trump fame), Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang (of leather jacket wearing fame), Google’s co-founder Sergey Brin, AMD’s CEO and like a bunch of other people probably but they’re not famous enough to make my lil list here.

Now, I know what you’re all wondering, and yes, it’s true, we do live in a technocratic oligarchy.

Because doesn’t this just feel like all the worst powerful people cosying up to one person who’s slightly worse and slightly more powerful than them? Yeah, in the history books we call that kind of thing ‘corruption’.

But who knows, maybe I’m just a cynical, wisened, wrinkly old man, maybe this’ll be a good thing and these experts in their fields can genuinely advise our government to make some sensible decisions.

Orrrrr maybe we’ll just get another shit show like DOGE…

Given this motley crew’s track record for implementing new tech ethically, I’d say it’s going to be more the latter.

But there’s a secret third option, that’s probably the most likely, that this is just an honorary appointment, a gold star to keep everyone sweet and make them feel better.

Sure they’ll talk a bunch and maybe have the tiniest bit of influence but will it actually make a change? Well, I sure hope not.

(Oh, sorry, were you hoping to find out about how “their stock went wild”? Idk if that’s even true. I didn’t look it up I just assumed it because it sounded clickbaity. It worked right? You clicked, right? Cool, well then we’re all winners here, aren’t we?)

Not like, ‘explode’ explode, I mean explode in a good way…

SpaceX has told investors that they’re expecting to raise $75 billion dollars in money from its first IPO making it the largest listing in the history of ever.

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang says that he thinks we’ve achieved Artificial General Intelligence also known as, AGI.

In case you hadn’t heard, artificial intelligence (AI) isn’t the holy grail that you imagined it was. No, because we’ve already made advanced software and then maybe jumped the gun by calling it AI we have to think up a new name for what’s been described by science fiction books and stuff.

And that’s AGI, as opposed to artificial narrowly intelligence, AGI can do almost anything you ask it to, unlike current AI which is shit.

But AI hype man, Jensen Huang recently spoke on a podcast saying that we’re already there. “I think it’s now. I think we’ve achieved AGI,” he said, before referencing OpenClaw and then saying an AI could probably run a company.

Way to put yourself out of a job.

Now, I say ‘wall street just went nuts’ and not going to lie, that was a lie. Wall street didn’t really react. In fact, Nvidia stock is down 6% this year. That was just a clickbaity headline to get you to click on this article. I’m sorry.

When AGI is actually created, I imagine the stock market might have something else to say about things, but until then, yeah, this is just more hype from a sector overstuffed with hype.

Good boy.

For all our technology and invention, we still can’t seem to improve upon the most tried and true of security methods: big guy in front of door. Some call it the oldest profession, because since the time of the ancients, big guy in front of door has been a staple of society, a cornerstone of civilization.

But now some people are trying to improve upon perfection. According to Business Insider, Boston Dynamics, the company that sells ‘Spot’ the robot guard dog, have “seen a huge, huge uptick in interest from data centers in the last year,” explained Merry Frayne, senior director of product management at Boston Dynamics, “which is probably not surprising given the investment in that space.”

Yeah, they’ve got money to burn. So why pay minimum wage to some pathetic human when you can spend $300,000 on something out of robocop?

Well because reportedly, Spot can do more than just security. This food legged friend can also keep on the lookout for malfunctioning machinery, safety hazards and won’t just chill in the office on its phone like Phil does. Come on Phil, what are we paying you for?

Robot Dogs? Now I’ve Seen Everything!

But is Spot a sign of things to come? Is a robot uprising on the horizon? Well, yes and no. long-term projections project robots could come to dominate manual labor jobs. Some estimates claim that 2030 could see robot shipments reach one million, for a revenue of $21 billion. This jumps to $5 trillion by 2050.

This isn’t the realty yet however as annual robot sales have flatlined at 500,000 units ever since 2021 with no signs of budging.

So what’s the barrier? Well, lots of things. Cost is a big one with prohibitive price tags barring all but the military and AI companies. If the average consumer is going to start buying, it’s going to have to be cheaper.

And then there’s the fact that the tech isn’t necessarily there yet. We’ve seen enough videos of robots falling over while trying to load a dishwasher to know they’re not helping out on a large scale any time soon.

These self-driving cars are programmed to move fast and break things

Uber has announced plans to invest $1.25 billion dollars in electric EV vehicle manufacturer, Rivian, in order to build a “robotaxi fleet” once again proving that in the tech world, humans are a bug, not a feature.

By 2031 Uber says they’ll have 50,000 autonomous R2 vehicles (exclusive to Uber) in 25 cities across North America and Europe, or putting it another way, that’s 50,000 drivers out of work.

Bear in mind that Uber already carved up the taxi industry, pushed everyone to follow the gig economy model then refused to put the pieces back together when it began unsustainable. Well, now they’re going to do the same thing, just this time with their own market and who cares if an entire industry gets broken along the way.

The irony is palpable. It’s kind of like Netflix being a DVD rental service then being the very company that kills the DVD.

But it does make sense, like Facebook, 23 And Me and Pokémon Go before them, Uber looks to be one of those bait and switch data harvesting schemes. I mean, they’ve spent years grabbing data on traffic, shortcuts, and routes from its drivers. Now they’ve got everything they need, it’s time to reveal the real plan: FULL MECHANISATION! AHHHHH!!

Uber? More like, screw people over! hahaha

Anyway, here’s a breakdown of the deal:

A bulk buy of 10,000 autonomous R2 EVs.
The option to buy 40,000 more beginning in 2030.
An initial $300 million investment in Rivian, pending regulatory approval.
Up to $1.25 billion investment committed through to 2032, subject to performance milestones.

Uber’s stock remained flat from the announcement for some reason but Rivian got a massive 10% bump. That’s almost one tenth of a hundred. Huge.

So yeah, we’ll see what happens next. But it could easily be that Uber ushers in the next era of autonomous vehicles just like they brought about the current era of taxi-ness.

Maybe the real Warner Bros Discovery was the AI Ben Afflecks we bought along the way

Still feeling like their studio-buying itch hasn’t been scratched, Netflix has announced that they’ve just bought InterPositive, Ben Affleck’s AI production software company for anywhere up to $600 (million) dollars in real money.

Affleck (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) worked on the technology in secret for years before securing investment in 2025. The tools he developed have already been employed in an upcoming David Fincher (Alien3) film staring Brad Pitt (Cool World).

Announcing the merger, Netflix has released a sit-down discussion between Affleck and Netflix’s CPTO and CCO. The video, which I found surprisingly wholesome and persuasive, features an oddly exasperated Baffleck explaining that, “No, no! Don’t worry! This isn’t the bad kind of AI, we promise!!”

Ben Affleck is just really tired and doesn’t want to act anymore

As he explains, the tools he’s developed at InterPositive consist of simple post-production AI tools that aren’t designed to replace actors, artists or create a whole movie for you. No, you still have to shoot the whole movie first but then you can use Affleck’s (now Netflix’s) AI tools to train on what you’ve shot and get it to remove booms in frame, replace some set dressing, tweak some lighting.

If you’re still sceptical, well, you should be. All those changes are still jobs that require humans and artistry. We’ve seen enough AI slop and Tilly Fucking Norwoods to know that AI cannot fully replace human filmmaking.

But maybe that’s old man yelling at cloud. Technology has constantly changed and shaped the industry and at every stage, people have ‘yelled at cloud’.

Matte paintings. Sound. Miniatures. Color. Green screen. Digital camera. CGI. At one point all of these were seen as a lazy filmmaking and taking away from the artistry of the filmmakers. Now all of them are indelible to modern films.

But then on another, third hand, it could be argued that these powerful technologies have allowed filmmakers to lean on a ‘fix it in post’ mentality. To not light properly because the digital cameras will catch everything. To not to decide on costumes, sets, locations ahead of time because it can be CG-ed or reshot later. It could be argued that tech that makes filmmaking easier leads to lazier, flatter and less technically competent films that makes audiences ask, “Why don’t movies look like movies any more?”

But despite the tech, every decade has great films and bad films. There’s clearly a happy middle ground.

And love it or hate it, AI is the next technology on that list, it will (and already is) being employed to make films and that’s only going to become more common. Ben Affleck (of all people) saw this and thought, I’mma get ahead of this before it gets ahead of me.

And now Netflix are paying him millions for the foresight.

“Welcome to JuraXic Park!”

As if he hadn’t learned the lesson from any of the seven movies, two animated TV shows, twenty-nine comic books, one-hundred-and-twelve video games and one pair of novelty Jurassic World Washing Up Gloves… ELON MUSK is forging ahead with building his very own Jurassic Park/World.

That’s of course if his joke Tweets are intended to be taken entirely literally, which this braindead clickbait writer assumes is true.

Here’s what Elon actually said:

Elon jurassic park tweet — He’s not even saying he’d be the one to do it guys…

That’s right, we’re at the point in the news cycle where a six-word joke retweet from Elon Musk is headline worthy. Thanks UniLadTechDotCom!

Knowing full well there wasn’t really a story here, Harry Boulton (not naming names here) needed to pad out his word count for ‘the Lad’ so spent the first three paragraphs saying, “Elon is the richest man, he could probably afford Jurassic Park” but using different words.

No shade Harry, I’m also padding like crazy right now. Game recognise game.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Elon made a joke. That’s the news. You can go home now.

But if you’re going to stick around, I’ll indulge the concept. Is is possible to bring back dinosaurs? Well, kind of. We for sure have the tech to make a dino-shaped genetically modified chicken. Something that publications like WallStMemes and UniLad wouldn’t hesitate to call dinosaurs, just like when the world was duped into thinking the dire wolves had returned in what was just some extra fluffy pups in a PR stunt.

Could those turkey-dinosaur genetic monstrosities then populate a zoo-type theme park? Yeah, maybe? But I bet you anything they wouldn’t be able to reproduce, would be riddled with genetic diseases and would just wilt and die very quickly. Throw enough money at the project and maybe it could keep going for a bit but you’re making a loss here and that’s just not sustainable is it?

So no, I don’t think it’s possible. I don’t care if it’s a joke, Elon, you got my hopes up!

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But I’d still like you to try. No, please. I’ll wait. Go ahead, guess… No. Wrong. Fine, I’ll just tell you.

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Oracle Just Laid Off 30,000 Employees With One 6am Email And You’ll Never Guess Why

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It’s like Ocean’s 11,398 out there…

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist

9. Ocean’s 8

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

7. Ocean’s 13

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

5. Ocean’s 12

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

1. Ocean’s 11

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