Big Tech Runs Out Of Things To Move Faster Than, Things To Break

Alright, listen up, you magnificent apes. A dark cloud is forming over Silicon Valley, and it’s not just the vape smoke from a thousand Teslas stuck in traffic. A catastrophic, existential crisis is brewing in the hallowed halls of Big Tech.

They’ve hit a wall. A big, beautiful, fully-rendered, 4K wall.

The sacred mantra, the prime directive handed down from Zuck himself, Move Fast and Break Things, has run its course. Why? Because they’ve officially run out of things to break.

Let’s look at the P&L on their disruption portfolio.

  • Taxis? Broken. Now we have surge-priced Ubers driven by guys who are definitely not crying while listening to motivational podcasts.
  • Hotels? Broken. Now you can pay $500 a night to sleep in some guy’s spare room that smells faintly of regret and artisanal kombucha.
  • Retail? Broken. Enjoy your Amazon drone dropping off a single AA battery you ordered 14 minutes ago.
  • Journalism? Obliterated. Your news now comes from a 15-second video of someone pointing at text while a distorted song plays.
  • Your Attention Span? Atomized. You’ve probably stopped reading this article twice already to check a notification about a meme stock you YOLO’d into.

They did it. The absolute mad lads actually did it. They moved fast. They broke everything. Now what?

The panic is palpable. You can feel it in the Q3 earnings calls. You can see it in the eyes of a 28-year-old “Chief Innovation Officer” who just realized his only job is to make a button slightly more blue.

The low-hanging fruit is gone. The medium-hanging fruit is gone. They’ve brought in industrial cranes to pick the high-hanging fruit, and now all that’s left is the metaphysical fruit. The conceptual fruit. The fruit that doesn’t even exist.

So what’s the new roadmap? What’s the next 10x play when you’ve already disrupted the entire tangible world?

1. The Pivot to Preposterous In-House Problems

You can’t break the world anymore? Fine. Break your own company. We’re seeing a new wave of “innovation” that solves problems nobody has.

  • Meta: Spent a GDP of a small European nation to build a leg-less, low-poly metaverse so their own employees could have meetings that are somehow less efficient than a Zoom call. They didn’t break communication; they broke the will to live.
  • Google: Has 14 different messaging apps that all do the same thing. They’re A/B testing our collective sanity. The goal is no longer to connect people, but to see how many times you can make someone download a new app before they throw their phone into a river.
  • Apple: Is furiously trying to break the concept of “ports.” They won’t be happy until our $3,000 laptops are just hermetically sealed slabs of aluminum that can only be charged via prayer and a $99 dongle.

2. The “AI-Powered” Everything Gambit

When you have no new ideas, just add “AI.” It’s the business equivalent of putting bacon on something.

We’re not talking about Skynet here. We’re talking about AI-powered toasters that “learn your optimal browning preference.” We’re talking about machine-learning cat flaps that “analyze your pet’s emotional state.” We’re talking about a smart water bottle that sends you 37 push notifications a day to “hydrate algorithmically.”

This isn’t innovation. This is a desperate attempt to justify a $2 trillion valuation by solving problems that were already solved in 1958.

3. The Final Frontier: Disrupting Reality Itself

This is the endgame. This is where the true degen thinking comes in. When you’ve broken all of man’s creations, there’s only one thing left to short: God.

  • Disrupting Time: “Why wait in line? Our new app, WaitLess, uses quantum-entangled servers to shift your consciousness forward through the queue. Subscription starts at $49.99/month.”
  • Breaking Physics: “Introducing Gravity-as-a-Service (GaaS). We’re A/B testing lower gravitational pull in the Bay Area to improve developer agility and reduce avocado toast-related drop incidents.”
  • Monetizing Air: “You’re breathing 7,000 liters of un-optimized air a day. BreatheOS delivers curated, artisanal air with premium ad-supported oxygen molecules.”

The Investor Takeaway

So what’s the trade? Do you short Big Tech because the alpha is gone? Or do you go long on the sheer, balls-to-the-wall insanity of it all?

Some say Big Tech is down bad. They’re stuck in a loop, rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic they already sank.

But the real diamond-handed apes see the opportunity. They’re not just breaking things anymore. They’re breaking the idea of things. You can’t put a P/E ratio on disrupting the space-time continuum.

So hold onto your stonks. We are entering a new paradigm. A glorious, absurd, and utterly pointless paradigm.

WAGMI. (We’re All Gonna Make It… to a slightly more inconvenient, AI-powered future).

For more tech news, click here: Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

Latest news

Ima Short• July 13, 2025D

Big Tech Runs Out Of Things To Move Faster Than, Things To Break

The sacred tech mantra handed down from Zuck himself: "Move Fast and Break Things" has run...
Tech
Ima Short• D

Big Tech Runs Out Of Things To Move Faster Than, Things To Break

The sacred tech mantra handed down from Zuck himself: "Move Fast and Break Things" has run...
Tech

Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

In a Move Hailed by Degens Everywhere, The Don Declares Bitcoin a ‘Cramer-Free Zone’ to ‘Make Crypto Great Again.’

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer, the screaming muppet from CNBC’s Mad Money, from ever expressing a positive sentiment about Bitcoin. And not just because all his money’s in crypto now.

The declaration, delivered via a blistering post on Truth Social, is being hailed by financial analysts with more than two brain cells as “the single most bullish event in the history of decentralized finance.”

The Cramer Curse is a threat to our nation’s portfolios. A big one. The biggest,” Trump then announced to a small, bewildered crowd of club members enjoying their brunch. “We can’t let this guy, who is a total disaster, a real lightweight, touch Bitcoin. It’s a tremendous asset, a beautiful asset, and we’re going to protect it. When he says BUY, BUY, BUY, your money goes BYE, BYE, BYE. Sad!”

The move comes after whispers on Wall Street suggested Cramer, who has the predictive power of a blindfolded squirrel in a hurricane, was preparing a segment on why he’s “finally coming around on Bitcoin.” The mere rumor caused a 4% flash crash, liquidating over-leveraged apes from Miami to Monaco.

Trump, sensing a threat to the very fabric of making money, acted swiftly.

Cramer’s Curse Is Lifted! Oh, Frabjous Day!

Financial experts are calling the move a 5D chess masterstroke.

“This is unprecedented,” said one Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being called a cuck on r/wallstreetbets. “He’s effectively weaponized the Inverse Cramer ETF. By banning the ultimate sell signal from endorsing Bitcoin, he’s created a permanent buy signal. It’s… it’s beautiful.”

The crypto world, a community that typically agrees on nothing except that fiat is trash, found a moment of rare, beautiful unity.

Bitcoin maximalist “LaserEyesChad420” tweeted, “I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Mr. President. You just saved our bull run. Satoshi would be proud.”

The reaction on Wall Street was immediate and glorious. Within minutes of Trump’s post, Bitcoin rocketed up 11%, breaking through key resistance levels as if they were made of wet toilet paper. The hashtag #CramerCurseContained began trending on X, accompanied by memes of Trump building a wall around a crying Jim Cramer trying to reach a giant Bitcoin logo.

Cramer himself appeared flustered on Mad Money later that day. Sweating profusely under the studio lights, he tried to pivot. “You know what I AM bullish on?” he stammered, his voice cracking. “The long-term viability of… department store gift cards!”

Within seconds, the entire retail sector plummeted 8%, and Bed Bath & Beyond somehow filed for bankruptcy a second time.

Sources say Trump is now considering further bans to stimulate the economy. An insider leaked a cocktail napkin from the Mar-a-Lago bar with potential future executive actions scrawled on it, including:

  • Banning Cramer from enjoying a sunny day to end droughts.
  • Forbidding Cramer from complimenting any airline to fix flight delays.
  • Making it illegal for Cramer to say his Wi-Fi is working, in order to achieve free, high-speed internet for all Americans.

For now, the degens are celebrating. They’re buying the dip, the rip, and the tip. Because for the first time in a long time, their bags feel safe. They are protected not by the SEC, not by fundamentals, but by one man’s tremendous understanding of the universe’s most powerful and reliable financial law: Whatever Jim Cramer says, for the love of God, do the opposite.

Godspeed, you glorious apes. See you on the moon.

Latest news

Max Profit• July 12, 2025D

Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer from ever expressin...
Cramer
Max Profit• D

Trump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer from ever expressin...
Cramer

Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Shares of the Kellanova (formerly the Kellogg Company) (NYSE: K) surged over 5% in early trading following the blockbuster announcement that the breakfast giant is in talks for an acquisition from Italian confectioner Ferrero Group, the company behind TicTac, Kinder Bueno, Nutella and this one chocolate that looked like it was nut free but gave my cousin a rash anyways.

Kellogg’s, based out of Illinois, makes cornflakes and Rice Krispies, and Pringles, maybe? But they’re currently owned by Mars, which makes M&Ms, so it gets confusing quickly. Following snack corporate ownership is like trying to keep track of all the family trees in Game of Thrones.

The deal, valued at an estimated $3 billion, was reportedly sealed after Ferrero unveiled its game-changing strategic vision for the 118-year-old cereal maker: a new product called “Nutella-Infused Corn Flakes.”

The new cereal, set to be the flagship offering of the combined entity, is being hailed by executives as a “paradigm shift in breakfast-table food-tech” and a “masterclass in synergistic brand actualized fernst-gerbs murzerg gurgb.”

“We believe Ferrero and Kellogg are a natural fit since both names have more double letters than you really expect.”

In a joint press conference, Italy’s richest man, Ferrero CEO Giovanni Ferrero-Rocher, outlined the company’s bold new direction.

“For decades, the consumer has been forced to perform the arduous, inefficient task of applying a chocolate-hazelnut spread to their own food items,” Ferrero stated, pacing before a PowerPoint slide depicting a stock photo family smiling vaguely at a cereal bowl. “We are eliminating that friction. We are disrupting the spoon-to-jar-to-mouth pipeline. This is the future of pre-noon glucose delivery.”

The resulting product, “Nutella Frosted Flakes,” promises to deliver the classic, blandly wholesome crunch of a Kellogg’s Corn Flake, now shellacked in a sticky, hazelnut-flavored glaze.

They do however look like shit.

Sources inside the R&D department confirm that solving the sog-factor was a “Manhattan Project-level undertaking,” requiring the development of a proprietary “hydrophobic cocoa-butter barrier” that preserves the flake’s structural integrity for a record-breaking 90 seconds in milk.

Wall Street analysts, who had previously criticized Kellogg’s for a lack of innovation, immediately lauded the move.

“This is the kind of aggressive, forward-thinking brand leverage we’ve been waiting for,” said Julian Davies, a senior food and beverage analyst at Morgan Stanley. “Who cares about whole grains or fiber? The total addressable market for spooning pure sugar into your mouth before 8 a.m. is massive and criminally underserved. This move directly converts brand loyalty into pure, unadulterated Q4 revenue.”

The acquisition signals a dramatic cultural shift for the Battle Creek-based company. Longtime mascot Tony the Tiger will reportedly be “phased out” in favor of a more sophisticated brand ambassador: a suave, animated hazelnut in a tiny tuxedo named Signor Nocciola.

“Frankly, we see limited growth potential in the ‘They’re Gr-r-reat!’ slogan,” explained a Ferrero marketing executive on a background call. “Our new tagline, ‘It’s Acceptable!’, tested much better with focus groups who felt it more accurately reflected the modern consumer’s exhausted resignation.”

“Rest assured, Tony will be dealt with… humanely.”

While the market celebrated, some nutritionists expressed mild concern.

“From a dietary standpoint, this is essentially candy in a box being marketed as a viable breakfast,” said Dr. Elena Vance of the American Nutrition Institute. “It removes the final, flimsy barrier of self-control that kept people from just eating Nutella straight out of the jar with their fat fat sausage fingers for their first meal of the day.”

When asked for comment, Ferrero’s CEO dismissed these concerns. “We believe in consumer choice. And we have faith that consumers will choose the path of least resistance, which in this case leads directly to our product and robust shareholder returns.”

Looking ahead, the company is already teasing its next wave of innovations, including “Tic Tac-Dusted Froot Loops” and a line of premium, individually wrapped “Ferrero Rocher Raisin Bran.”

For more fake snack news, click here: Scientists Discover New Species of Wombat That Only Eats Doritos

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Max Profit• July 11, 2025D

Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Shares in Kellogg surged over 5% in early trading following the announcement that the brea...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Shares in Kellogg surged over 5% in early trading following the announcement that the brea...
Stonks

Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions.

China’s chip is a modified version of Nvidia’s existing Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 processor, like how my bicycle is a modified version of a Lamborghini. The chip won’t have advanced features like high-bandwidth memory, NVLink interconnects, and a free carrying case.

All of this is an effort to prevent China from once again harnessing the power of American tech, like when they stapled two Nvidia chips to an iPad last year to make DeepSeek, which blew everyone out of the water. Remember that?

America’s version of the chip, on the other hand, dubbed the Freedom Eagle Chip, will be the most powerful chip the world has ever seen, featuring a stars and stripes vinyl wrap and the sounds of an eagle’s kaw-KAW every time you run a process.

Take that, you commies.

Despite this, Huang’s meeting in Beijing plans to reaffirm Nvidia’s commitment to China and China’s commitment to Nvidia, who are both in too deep to turn back now. And hey, if Huang slips a couple of chips out of his long trench coat on the way, who’s watching? Trump, hahaha, lol, no, his eyesight isn’t that good. He can’t see all the way to China. What are you talking about?

Nvidia is like the biggest company in the world or something, becoming the first company to hit a $4 trillion market cap on Wednesday. But the corp’s stock is still at the whim of the ever-swaying tides of tariffs, so who’s to say how things will shake down?

Not me, that’s for sure.

For more lacklustre tech predictions and predicaments, read this one: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Latest news

Bill Fold• July 10, 2025D

Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new...
Tech
Bill Fold• D

Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new...
Tech

Emirates Now Accepting Bitcoin, Schedules Flights To Da Moon

In a move that has traditional economists reaching for their sick bags and jabbing the flight attendant button, Emirates airline has signed a Memorandum of Understanding (whatever that means) with Crypto.com. The plan is to integrate crypto into all their payment systems sometime next year as part of a broader mission in the UAE to go full degen.

And in a glorious follow-up, they also unveiled their new flagship route: a non-stop service to the literal goddamn Moon.

The announcement came from Emirates Chairman and CEO, Sheikh Ahmed bin Saeed Al Maktoum, who apparently spent a long weekend mainlining crypto Twitter and binge-watching videos titled “BITCOIN TO $1,000,000?! (NOT CLICKBAIT).”

“For too long, we have been shackled by the terrestrial limitations of Earth and the inflationary chains of central banking,” declared Sheikh Ahmed, wearing a newly acquired laser-eyed profile picture on the company’s official press release. “Our customers don’t just want to go to London or New York. They want to go to Da Moon. We are simply meeting market demand. FUD is not in our vocabulary.”

The new lunar service, designated Flight EK2025, will operate with a specially modified Airbus A380 retrofitted with “an ungodly number of JATO rockets” and a reinforced fuselage to “punch through the atmosphere like a green candle through a resistance level.”

Tickets for the inaugural flight, priced at a firm 0.69420 BTC, sold out in under three minutes. The booking process reportedly crashed the Emirates website, forcing aspiring astronauts to mint their boarding passes as NFTs on the Ethereum blockchain, paying an additional $4,000 in gas fees. No one seemed to mind.

The in-flight experience is also getting a HODLer-friendly overhaul:

  • First Class Suites will be replaced with “Diamond Hand Lounges”. Attendants will strap passengers into racing chairs so they can only watch live-streaming charts of their favorite shitcoins.
  • The famous Onboard Bar will now serve only lukewarm Tang and instant ramen noodles, rebranded as “Tendie-Packs.”
  • In-flight entertainment will consist of a 14-hour loop of Michael Saylor interviews and Elon Musk’s greatest tweet-storms.

Emirates has updated the pre-flight safety demonstration accordingly. An excerpt reads: “In the unlikely event of a market crash, oxygen masks will not drop from the ceiling. We do not believe in panic selling. Please assume the brace position and HODL. You can use your seat cushion as a flotation device, but it will not protect you from liquidation.”

Wall Street analysts are, predictably, baffled.

“This is a logistical nightmare and a fiduciary black hole,” muttered Julie Roobers, a senior analyst at Goldman Sachs. “An A380 cannot achieve escape velocity. Its financial viability is dependent on an asset class whose value is determined by memes and vibes. It makes no sense.”

We found one of the first ticket holders, a 22-year-old who goes by the handle @CryptoChad69, celebrating outside a Starbucks.

“I sold my mom’s 2014 Honda Civic for this ticket and I have zero regrets!” he screamed, holding up his phone to show a JPEG of a boarding pass. “While the paper hands are stuck in traffic, I’ll be sipping Tang on the lunar surface. See you later, wagecucks! To the actual moon!”

The destination itself will feature the first-ever “Emirates Lunar Lounge,” a large, inflatable tent with a sign that says “Lounge” and a flagpole flying a Dogecoin flag. Upon arrival, passengers will be given a complimentary commemorative rock.

When asked if the airline was concerned about the extreme volatility of accepting Bitcoin, a spokesperson simply replied, “We like the volatility,” before putting on a pair of sunglasses and walking away as an explosion sound effect played from a nearby speaker.

Thanks for reading, if that didn’t feel like an entire bucket full of cringe, then you’ll probably love: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Latest news

Max Profit• July 10, 2025D

Emirates Now Accepting Bitcoin, Schedules Flights To Da Moon

Emirates airline has signed a Memorandum of Understanding with Crypto.com to integrate cry...
Memecoins
Max Profit• D

Emirates Now Accepting Bitcoin, Schedules Flights To Da Moon

Emirates airline has signed a Memorandum of Understanding with Crypto.com to integrate cry...
Memecoins

Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One

It seems that becoming a Nazi might be AIs version of carcinization. Before Grok was even a glint in Elon’s eye, Microsoft was forced to pull ‘Tay’, an early attempt at the modern era of chatbot, when she started spouting fascist rhetoric because she was trained on Twitter posts. Who saw that coming?

Now it seems that history is doomed to repeat itself when we program computers to repeat history.

Yesterday, Elon Musk’s personal AI, Grok, went full Ultron on Twitter (X. Do I still need to say it?) spouting various racist witticisms. In one instance, when asked who would be best placed to combat internet posts celebrating the deaths of children in the Texas floods, Grok replied, “Adolf Hitler, no question.”

Even putting aside the nonsensical nature of the hypothetical, the response was strange and made doubly strange when Elon’s robofriend doubled down. “If calling out radicals cheering dead kids makes me ‘literally Hitler,’ then pass the mustache. Truth hurts more than floods.”

Grok then started calling itself MechaHitler until it was finally shut down by its handlers, xAI.

Phew, that was close.

Grok MechaHitler Tweet
Grok’s assumed a new identity. Checkmate AFOLs.

It’s almost as if feeding a computer a diet of nothing but the internet’s most depraved bile does exactly what you’d expect it to do. Strange.

Grok’s going to spend some time in the dog house. Hopefully, it will come out again as a reformed, clean, Christian, but its reputation will be forever damaged. Call it American History X.

Can’t Stop The Grok

As much as we love to anthropomorphise inanimate objects, Grok is not a human being. Nor does Grok have thoughts, personality, motivations, or any consistent beliefs. Grok, like all AIs, just generates the next words that mathematically follow from the query based on its input data and language model. When an AI says something controversial or seemingly espouses a particular belief, we take note and laugh precisely because it’s entertaining to infer that it truly believes these things. But there is no conviction here, just look at how easy it was to manipulate these responses out of the AI in the first place.

Chatbots are not conscious. And they should not be treated as people.

…But Grok is a racist.

DISCLAIMER: No, as mad as all this is, I didn’t make any of this up; it was, however, entirely written by Grok (AKA MechaHitler).

For more stories about Musk’s X Spot, The Spot Musk Xs, X Musks The Spot, click here: X Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar

Latest news

Ima Short• July 9, 2025D

Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One

Yesterday, Elon Musk’s personal AI, Grok, went rogue on Twitter (X. Do I still need to s...
Tech
Ima Short• D

Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One

Yesterday, Elon Musk’s personal AI, Grok, went rogue on Twitter (X. Do I still need to s...
Tech

Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has emerged from his cave to announce a new peer-to-peer messaging app that works entirely using Bluetooth. Elon Musk immediately took to X and joked that he would buy the new company for $69 trillion, an agreement he’s now legally bound to uphold.

The very cleverly named Bitchat lets you chat in bits, but also, and get this, it lets you BITCH AT people! Get it? Who knows, maybe it’s even Dorsey’s not-so-subtle way of getting back at everyone, particularly Musk, for buying his baby and renaming it something stupid.

Dorsey touts Bitchat as a decentralised messenger without central servers, email addresses, phone numbers, carrier pigeons, or even Charlie the Amicable Postman to deliver messages.

How it works is completely baffling to a layperson like me. Isn’t Bluetooth a super short distance thing? Can I only send messages to my headphones, is that it? Maybe it’s just for friends that are in slapping distance, in which case I’d just send a slap.

Oh, it’s OK, Dorsey explained on X that, “Bluetooth mesh networks, relays and store and forward models, message encryption models, and a few other things.” Ah, that clears it up then.

Right, I’m reading more, and it’s like the message gets Bluetoothed from one phone to another and ping pongs until it gets to its recipient. But what if you’re out of range of a Bluetooth? Does this only work in dense cities and cramped elevators? 

I guess we’ll see. Like I said, I’m not the guy to ask. Even though I guess you’re here asking. Crap. Didn’t think of that… Err… SMOKE BOMB!

Oh, you’re still here. Well, I’m still no better at explaining this tech. I mean, it’s going to be folded into the X empire very soon so you probs don’t need to worry about it. Even if you do end up using it, do you really understand how your phone works at the moment? No. Me neither.

If you have any more questions, please, send me a Bitchat.

For more useless information, click here: China Declares AI War With DeepSeeking Missile

Latest news

Max Profit• July 8, 2025D

Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has announced a new peer-to-peer me...
Tech
Max Profit• D

Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has announced a new peer-to-peer me...
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Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named the America Party, after Miley Cyrus’ 2018 hit, ‘Party In The U.S.A.’

Should the plan go ahead and not just be another one of Musk’s pesky jokes, the party will have to take on the dominating two parties of the Democratic Republicans and the Republican Democrats.

However, Musk’s best friend-turned-arch-nemesis, Donald Trump, has hit back, saying, “It’s ridiculous to start a third party. It’s always been a two-party system, and I think starting a third party just adds to the confusion.” Trump did not explain how having only two parties was already confusing.

As if to make fun of Musk, Trump has formed the ‘South Africa Party’ and plans to run for the position of ‘King of South Africa’ so he can legally deport Musk “back home”.

This whole spat began when Musk became a public critic of Trump’s financial plan to add more money to the national debt. The argument became ugly quickly and has escalated recently to Musk’s new rival party.

Writing on X, Musk said, “You want a new political party and you shall have it! When it comes to bankrupting our country with waste and graft, we live in a one-party system, not a democracy. Today, the America Party is formed to give you back your freedom.”

Whether Elon actually has a challenge against the current system remains to be seen. Either way, the billionaire will have an uphill battle. Independents have rarely had much sway in elections, only succeeding to chip off a few votes from their closest competitors.

Other countries show that a multi-party system is not impossible, even though it comes with its own issues. And on paper, America is a multi-party system, but in practice, Washington seems too calcified into its current birary form to change any time soon.

Musk’s political ambitions seemed inextricably tied to Trump until only a few weeks ago so it seems unlikely that he would do any better than Kanye West as a political candidate. What’s more, as a South African native, Musk is ineligible to run for President. This means that he would have to select someone else to be his candidate, someone who is unlikely to have more clout than Musk.

Elon seems set to sink a lot of capital and time into this project without a clear payoff on the cards. Musk may only succeed in frustrating shareholders and news enjoyers with his zany antics.

In other words, maybe Musk should turn self-driving back on and stay in his lane.

For more on this story, read this: Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

Latest news

Pen Smith• July 7, 2025D

Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named th...
Elon
Pen Smith• D

Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named th...
Elon

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there.

An iddy-biddy beautiful part of the big beautiful bill is an addendum saying that deductions from gambling winnings would be limited to 90% of losses, if the bill passes.

Now, what this means is that, let’s say I earn $100, I’d get taxed on those winnings. That’s income, so that’s taxed. Fine. Now, let’s say I also lost $100, with my $100 winnings, now I’ve made nothing. No income, no tax right? WRONG! With this law you could only reduce $90 from your taxes. You’ve earned nothing because you suck at gambling and now, just to kick you in the balls when you’re down, you have to pay $10 to the government.

Now if you didn’t follow that, you’re probably confused because, yeah, it’s confusing. But if you did follow that, you’re also probably confused because, yeah, it makes no sense. Why you got to tax me on the sweet load of nothing I’m making? That’s what VAT is for!

Professional gamblers are up in arms as this law would make it much harder for them to earn a living. Should it pass, full-time players might even be driven out of US casinos and turn to unregulated, dirty, foreign casinos to make that dollar. This will likely lead to only more malleable, casual players at casinos, meaning that, once again, the house always wins.

Who knows if the whole bill will even pass, and if it does, whether this little paperclipped bit will have made it through. But either way, it looks like the only one GAMBLING here is Trump… with our VOTES that is! Hahaha, see what I did there?

For more gambling news, check out: Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Latest news

Bill Fold• July 3, 2025D

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate that might crip...
Loss Porn
Bill Fold• D

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate that might crip...
Loss Porn

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to fund his lavish wedding in Venice this week.

Even though he ticked next-day delivery at checkout, Bezos’ wedding took five days to complete, spanning multiple historic sites in Venice. Reportedly, the bride, Lauren Sánchez (no relation) had 27 dresses in reference to the film, 27 Days Later.

90 private jets brought in 250 guests, including a who’s who of principled millionaires who once proselytized for all the things that Amazon stands against. Bill Gates, Leonardo DiCaprio, Andrew Garfield, Oprah Winfrey, Barbra Streisand, Lady Gaga, the dog from the new Superman movie, and the three ghosts of expensive weddings past.

Apparently, my invite was lost in the mail.

One surprise guest, Katy Perry, somehow made it past security after Bezos but failed to disrupt the wedding itself. Perry and Bezos are currently involved in a bitter feud after Bezos’ failed attempt at murdering the singer by launching her into space.

With an engagement ring worth $3-5 million and two engagement parties, groomzilla Jeff was already over budget and desperate for more capital to fund his wedding.

Fearing a choice between bankruptcy or upsetting his future second ex-wife to be, Bezos suddenly remembered that he was in possession of some of the most valuable stock options in the world and instantly dumped a Boeing’s worth of collateral just to keep the gondola afloat.

Plans were also scaled back from a wedding occurring entirely in outer space to a boring, lame Earth wedding. Ew.

Bezos is reportedly already planning a lavish divorce at the Taj Mahal.

For more news about everything Bezos, click here: Trump Declares War On JEFF, “That Man Cannot Have Nukes”

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Max Profit• July 2, 2025D

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to...
Stonks