Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

YouTube is the last of the big three social media platforms (including Meta and Friends Reunited) to settle a lawsuit over banning him from their platforms, which is exciting for my cousin Jared, who was also banned from social media, and he could really use the money right now.

Alphabet (the company that owns YourTubes) will pay $22 million to the Trust for the National Mall, the nonprofit that plans to build a White House Ballroom, and $2.5 million to other plaintiffs in the case, such as the American Conservative Union, whatever that is.

TACO Trump responded to the news on Truth Social (not one of the big three by the way, not even top ten), saying, “This MASSIVE victory proves Big Tech censorship has consequences.” So true.

Meta also settled with Trump for £25 million, while X leveraged the Musk connection to wangle just a $10 million bribe, sorry, ‘fee’. …Bargain.

Trump was originally banned from these three platforms during the 2020 insurrection/riot/peaceful protest, as platforms were worried he would incite further violence. Trump was, however, later reinstated, and these latest settlements indicate these companies’ desire to remain in the king’s good favor. Sorry, I meant to say president.

YouTube has also stated it would reinstate a number of YouTube accounts, saying that it “values conservative voices on its platform and recognizes that these creators have extensive reach and play an important role in civic discourse.”

Yeah, sure it does…

Here’s the thing: these massive companies only have one value, and it’s survival. They might change their banner to support gay pride or climate awareness, but the moment the wind changes and the powerful turn against those values, they will drop them at a moment’s notice. They have a giant marketing machines that will try to win public and political favor by whatever means necessary in a way that is completely separate from their actual values as a company and as people.

Don’t fall for it.

Anyways, what are we talking about? Oh yeah… Here, read this next: X Users Flock To New Social Media Platform ‘Vine’

The inventor of the phrase “EA Sports: It’s in the game”, Electronic Arts, is going private for a cool $55bn.

Coughing up the money is Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, Silver Lake (of course) and Affinity Partners from Trump-in-law Jared Kushner. And for all you number fans out there, the consortium paid $210 per share, a premium of 25%.

This is the most valuable gaming purchase in history, second only to Microsoft buying Activision Blizzard for $69bn (nice), and that one time I spent $200 on a Wario Amiibo.

It is also the largest leveraged buyout in history, with $19bn coming from loans, a potentially worryingly large debt for the company. All is now riding on the upcoming release of Plants vs. Zombies: Replanted.

This also marks another big step for Saudi Arabia’s moves into the gaming scene after they bought Pokémon Go creators Niantic for $3.5bn and Monopoly Go creators Scopely Inc for $4.9bn. Pretty embarrassing though because both those games are free on the App Store.

For those unaware, Electronic Arts (AKAEA) is perhaps best known as the studio behind The Sims, Mass Effect, FIFA (now called EA FC), 007 Racing, 007: Agent Under Fire, 007: Everything or Nothing, 007: From Russia with Love, 007: Nightfire, Jane’s Combat Simulations: F/A-18 Simulator, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2000, Mobil 1 British Rally Championship, NASCAR Rumble, Nox, The Sims, Road Rash: Jailbreak, SimMania Pack, Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri Planetary Pack, Championship Bass, Need for Speed: Porsche Unleashed, NASCAR 2000, CyberTiger, Superbike 2000, Mobil 1 British Rally Championship, Triple Play 2001, NHL Rock the Rink, Theme Park World, Ultimate Hunt Challenge, Cricket 2000, F1 2000, Ultima Online: Renaissance, UEFA Euro 2000, WCW Mayhem, SimCity 3000 Unlimited, Shogun: Total War, that one game with the bugs what was it called, Buick PGA Tour Courses, NCAA Football 2001, X-Squad, Madden NFL 2001, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2000, The Sims: Livin’ Large, Rugby, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2001, The F.A. Premier League Stars 2001, Racing Mania, NHL 2001, Play the Games Vol. 3, F1 Championship Season 2000, Knockout Kings 2001, Superbike 2001, F1 Manager, NBA Live 2001, 007: The World is Not Enough, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2, Medal of Honor: Underground, Kessen, FIFA Football 2001, NASCAR 2001, SSX, WCW Backstage Assault, Front Office Football 2001, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2001, Delta Force: Land Warrior, 007: The World is Not Enough, American McGee’s Alice, Supercross 2001, Theme Aquarium, The Biggest Names the Best Games 3, EA Sports Mania Pack, Jane’s Combat Simulations: Air Superiority Collection, Jane’s Combat Simulations: Naval Warfare Collection, Street Sk8er 2, Ultimate Motorcycle Series, Ultimate Sci-Fi Series, Ultima World Edition, Theme Park Inc., Electronic Arts Top Ten Pak, Clive Barker’s Undying, Triple Play Baseball, Electronic Arts Top Ten Family Fun Pack, Elitserien 2001, Adventure Pinball: Forgotten Island, Ultima Online: Third Dawn, Black & White, The Sims: House Party, Rumble Racing, Emperor: Battle for Dune, NBA Street, Torrente, NCAA Football 2002, Majestic, Madden NFL 2002, Shogun: Total War: Warlord Edition, Shogun: Total War – The Mongol Invasion, Sub Command, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2002, NHL 2002, F1 2001, NASCAR Thunder 2002, Command & Conquer: Theater of War, Command & Conquer: Yuri’s Revenge, Dark Age of Camelot, FIFA Football 2002, Motor City Online, NBA Live 2002, Majestic: Special Edition, Play the Games Vol. 4, Racing Mania 2, SSX Tricky, Comanche 4, Cel Damage, The Sims: Hot Date, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Simpsons: Road Rage, Moto Racer 3, Outdoorsman Mania, Electronic Arts Top Ten Blue, Electronic Arts Top Ten Red, Black & White: Creature Isle, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault, Sid Meier’s SimGolf, Cricket 2002, Pirates: The Legend of Black Kat, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2002, Ultima Online: Lord Blackthorn’s Revenge, Command & Conquer: Renegade, Desert Strike: Return to the Gulf, Knockout Kings 2002, Sled Storm, Triple Play 2002, Command & Conquer: Red Strike, Matt Hayes Fishing, Global Operations, Freedom Force, SimMania for Kids, The Sims: Vacation, F1 2002, 2002 FIFA World Cup, Sid Meier’s Civil War Collection, Medal of Honor: Frontline, Freekstyle, Delta Force: Task Force Dagger, NCAA Football 2003, Madden NFL 2003, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlefield 1942, NASCAR Thunder 2003, Total Club Manager 2003, Shox, Earth & Beyond, NHL 2003, Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit 2, NBA Live 2003, Knockout Kings 2003, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, 1503 A.D.: The New World, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2003, Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension, Bionicle: Matoran Adventures, FIFA Football 2003, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, The Sims: Unleashed, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Spearhead, Tetris probably at some point right, Island Xtreme Stunts, Drome Racers, Creator: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, The Sims Online, V8 Challenge, SimCity 4, Battlefield 1942: The Road to Rome, Command & Conquer: Generals, Ultima Online: Age of Shadows, Best of EA Sports, MVP Baseball 2003, Gamers Pack, SimMania 2, Disney’s Stitch: Experiment 626, Def Jam Vendetta, NBA Street Vol. 2, The Sims: Superstar, F1 Career Challenge, F1 Challenge ’99-’02, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, NCAA Football 2004, Aliens Versus Predator: Extinction, Madden NFL 2004, Bionicle, The Movie Collection, Battlefield 1942: Secret Weapons of WWII, Disney’s Party, NASCAR Thunder 2004, Rugby 2004, Command & Conquer: Generals – Zero Hour, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Breakthrough, NHL 2004, SimCity 4: Rush Hour, Freedom Fighters, The Command & Conquer Collection, The Laptop Collection, NBA Live 2004, The Need for Speed Collection, Battlefield 1942: Deluxe Edition, SSX 3, FIFA Football 2004, Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup, The Sims: Makin’ Magic, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Medal of Honor: Rising Sun, Medal of Honor: Infiltrator, Need for Speed: Underground, The Sim Collection, Total Club Manager 2004, Ghosthunter, The Sims Bustin’ Out, NFL Street, Anno 1503: Treasures, Monsters and Pirates, Cricket 2004, MVP Baseball 2004, Battlefield Vietnam, Fight Night 2004, UEFA Euro 2004, The Vault of Darkness, Battlefield 1942: World War II Anthology, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Sims: Mega Deluxe, The Sims: Triple Deluxe, NCAA Football 2005, Catwoman, Madden NFL 2005, Madden NFL 2005 (Collector’s Edition), NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup, EA Games Collection, Burnout 3: Takedown, NHL 2005, The Sims 2, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005, not Mario, Def Jam: Fight for NY, NBA Live 2005, Knights of Honor, FIFA Football 2005, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger 2: Bush Rescue, Total Club Manager 2005, The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age (Game Boy Advance), Ultima Online: Samurai Empire, Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault, Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault (Director’s Edition DVD), Need for Speed: Underground 2, The Urbz: Sims in the City, GoldenEye: Rogue Agent, Armies of Exigo, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth, NFL Street 2, Black & White Deluxe, SSX: Out of Bounds, Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath, UEFA Champions League 2004–2005, FIFA Street, NBA Street V3, NASCAR SimRacing, MVP Baseball 2005, Fight Night Round 2, The Sims 2: University, Rugby 2005, Need for Speed: Underground Rivals, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume One, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume Three, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume Two, NFL Street 2 Unleashed, TimeSplitters: Future Perfect, NBA Street Showdown, Surviving High School, Medal of Honor: European Assault, Batman Begins, Battlefield 2, SimMania 3, Cricket 2005, NCAA Football 06, Madden NFL 06, NASCAR 06: Total Team Control, Ultima Online: Mondain’s Legacy, NHL 06, Burnout Legends, Burnout Revenge, The Sims 2: Nightlife, Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06, FIFA 06, Black & White 2, FIFA Manager 06, NBA Live 06, SSX on Tour, Battlefield 2: Modern Combat, The Sims: Expansion Three-Pack Volume 1, The Sims: Expansion Three-Pack Volume 2, The Sims: Complete Collection, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, The Lord of the Rings: Tactics, Need for Speed: Most Wanted, Need for Speed: Most Wanted (Black Edition), Need for Speed: Most Wanted: 5-1-0, The Sims 2: Holiday Edition, The Sims 2 Stuff packs, Battlefield 2: Special Forces, FIFA 06: Road to FIFA World Cup, MVP 06: NCAA Baseball, We Love Katamari, Arena Football, Command & Conquer: The First Decade, Rugby 06, Fight Night Round 3, Black, FIFA Street 2, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II, The Sims 2: Open for Business, The Godfather: The Game, Namco Museum 50th Anniversary, Me & My Katamari, Madden NFL 07, 2006 FIFA World Cup, Black & White 2: Battle of the Gods, SiN Episodes, NFL Head Coach, NCAA Football 07, Def Jam Fight for NY: The Takeover, NASCAR 07, NHL 07, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07, FIFA 07, NBA Live 07, Battlefield 2142, The Sims 2: Pets, Medal of Honor: Heroes, Need for Speed: Carbon, Need for Speed Carbon: Own the City, FIFA Manager 07, Cricket 07, EA Replay, Need for Speed Collector’s Series, NFL Street 3, Superman Returns: Fortress of Solitude, Superman Returns, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II: The Rise of the Witch-king, FIFA Online 2, PGA Tour Golf Team Challenge, MVP 07: NCAA Baseball, The Sims Life Stories, NBA Street Homecourt, Arena Football: Road to Glory, SSX Blur, Dogbo Unleashed, The Sims 2: Seasons, Burnout Dominator, Def Jam: Icon, Battlefield 2142: Northern Strike, Theme Park, UEFA Champions League 2006–2007, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, Medal of Honor: Vanguard, a bunch of COD knockoffs, Pogo Island, Boom Boom Rocket, The Sims Pet Stories, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, NCAA Football 08, Rugby 08, NASCAR 08, Wing Commander Arena, EA Sports NASCAR Racing, Boogie, Madden NFL 08, Ultima Online: Kingdom Reborn, Medal of Honor: Airborne, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08, The Sims 2: Bon Voyage, NHL 08, Skate, MySims, FIFA 08, NBA Live 08, The Orange Box, Rail Simulator, The Sims 2: Castaway, EA Playground, EA Sports GameShow, Command & Conquer: Saga, The Simpsons Game, Hellgate: London, FIFA Manager 08, Medal of Honor: Heroes 2, SimCity Societies, Crysis, Need for Speed: ProStreet, Rock Band, Boulder Dash: Rocks!, Skate or Die!, NFL Tour, Battlefield 2142 Deluxe Edition, Burnout Paradise, The Sims Castaway Stories, Yahtzee, FIFA Street 3, The Sims 2: FreeTime, Ninja Reflex, Army of Two, Command & Conquer 3: Kane’s Wrath, Yahtzee Adventures, Command & Conquer 3: Deluxe Edition, UEFA Euro 2008, Boom Blox, Spore, NASCAR 09, Spore Creature Creator, Battlefield: Bad Company, SimCity Societies: Destinations, Scrabble, Tetris, NCAA Football 09, Sudoku, Brain Training for Dummies, Pet Society, Madden NFL 09, The Sims 2: Apartment Life, Spore Origins, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, NFL Head Coach 09, FaceBreaker, Spore Creatures, NHL 09, Rock Band 2, Crysis Warhead, Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, Medal of Honor: 10th Anniversary Bundle, Trivial Pursuit Daily 20, Zubo, NBA Live 09, FIFA 09, Dead Space, Boogie Superstar, Celebrity Sports Showdown, Monopoly, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, MySims Kingdom, Nerf N-Strike, Operation Mania, FIFA Manager 09, Hasbro Family Game Night, Mirror’s Edge, Left 4 Dead, Need for Speed: Undercover, Skate It, SimCity, NBA Street Online, The Lord of the Rings: Conquest, Skate 2, SimAnimals, 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, Burnout Paradise: The Ultimate Box, MySims Party, Trivial Pursuit, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 – Uprising, Hi-Octane, Battleship, Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure, BattleForge, The Godfather II, Lemonade Tycoon, Mystery Mania, Pandemonium!, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10, Star Trek, SNOOD, Wolfenstein RPG, Boom Blox Bash Party, EA Sports Active, Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition, CLUE: Unravel the Clues and Crack the Case, The Sims 3, Grand Slam Tennis, Rock Band Unplugged, American Idol, The Sims 3 Collector’s Edition, MySims Racing, Fight Night Round 4, Mass Effect Galaxy, Spore Galactic Adventures, Nose Picking Simulator 1999, Battlefield Heroes, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, NCAA Football 10, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Creeby Deebies and the Deeble Creebus, The Game of Life, Madden NFL 10, The Beatles: Rock Band, Need for Speed: Shift, NHL 10, Boggle, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3: Commander’s Challenge, Dead Space: Extraction, MySims Agents, FIFA 10, Nuclear Strike, NBA Live 10, Spore Hero, Spore Hero Arena, Brütal Legend, Command & Conquer: Red Alert, Rock Band, Hasbro Family Game Night 2, Nerf N-Strike Elite, SimAnimals Africa, FIFA Manager 10, Dragon Age: Origins, Need for Speed: Nitro, Jewel Quest Mysteries, Soviet Strike, EA Sports Active More Workouts, Left 4 Dead 2, Connect 4, The Sims 3: World Adventures, Madden NFL Arcade, Foto Face: The Face Stealer Strikes, Auditorium, The Saboteur, Flips and The Simpsons Arcade, making them one of the most successful and well known brands in the industry.

In the past EA has been consistently ranked the worst company in the world due to its continued critique from impassioned gamers.

This business change will likely do little to improve its reputation with gamers famously critical of anything that’s slightly new or different. As a wise man once said, “EA Games: Challenge Everything.”

It’s unclear if Jared Kushner himself will become a playable character in the next Battlefield game.

For more gaming news, click here: New Study Finds Violence Causes Video Games

As Congress once again sprints toward its favorite seasonal tradition of not doing its job, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not the government should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

Shoppers Rush to Prepare

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting the government is just vertical integration.”

Politicians Respond To Gold

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

The Future of Gold

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

Who knows what will happen next, but one thing remains clear: the American dream may be tarnished, but at least gald’s still shiny.

In a development that in no way means anything, a giant golden statue of Donald Trump has been erected (lol) in Washington.

The statue is the work of the Donald J. Trump Golden Statue project, a group of cryptocurrency investors whose purpose remains unclear. Probs erecting (lol) a golden statue of Donald J. Trump.

Oh wait, they explained it, “This statue stands as a tribute to Trump’s visionary leadership and unwavering commitment to advancing the future of finance through Bitcoin and decentralized technologies.”

OK, fine, so it’s just a golden idol, nothing to worry about. Definitely not the end of the world or anything.

Oop, no, hold on, they’ve released a token alongside it, the DJTGST token. Ok, so it’s an advert for a meme coin. Which, btw, peaked at $300,000 dollars in real money. Almost enough to pay for a real gold statue.

The statue is, of course, not real gold, but the colour was chosen because it just so happens to be Trump’s favorite color. And just because it’s gold doesn’t mean it’s money, DOESN’T MEAN THIS STATUE CONSTITUTES A BRIBE!!

It’s not a bribe, ok?

The statue made a big splash on X (I mean, it’s heavy, it’s going to make a big splash), with opinions going both ways, but it hasn’t seemed to have made much of an impression beyond that. Given that Trump’s overseas atm, it’s unclear if he’s even seen it.

I’m still holding out for a cute pic of the two, tho, that would be fun.

Anyway, that’s about all on that. If you’d like more gold news, you can read this story: Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Turns out cops really do like donuts…

Where do you think this story starts? Where do you think the most likely place for a discussion on Krispy Kreme (pronounced ‘crispy creams’) donuts is? If you guessed “during a House Judiciary Committee meeting on the Epstein files,” congratulations, 11.5 points to you.

For some reason, FBI Director Kash Patel was asked during his testimony on Epstein about buying individual stocks like ON Semiconductor (ON) and Krispy Kreme (DNUT) (no, really).

Patel explained that, “Generally speaking, before I got this job, I was trading stocks, but not a lot like most people. I just follow certain industries, and I thought they would be a good investment.”

Translation: “Me likey donuts.”

Krispy Kreme economics — ‘Donut Economics’ explained… wait, this has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, where did you find this graphic?

Kash’s Krispy Kreme glazing was enough for the donut shop stocks to soar 11.5%. Turns out, though, just like a donut, this was a hollow rally. The end of the day erased all gains, leaving the index just 0.96% higher than before. So yeah, probably not a big insider trading conspiracy.

This isn’t the first rally this year for the North-Carolinian company. In July shares got an extra filling of 26.7% seemingly from a meme-stock rally. Overall however, shares are down 68% this year, so never mind.

But for Kash this has been a savvy investment. He put in between $15,000 to $50,000 into the company in May and since then stocks have climbed 15%.

Nice one, Kash.

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

Similarly his $50,000-$100,000 in ON have gone up 12%. Shit, this guy’s in the wrong career and not just because he’s a bad FBI director.

This Krispy bump is just another example of this current era of meme stocks and hype ruling the markets. As Steve Sosnick, from Interactive Brokers explains: “It’s emblematic of the approach that a lot of speculators have to the market and how they will jump on any piece of positive-sounding news and how that can create self-fulfilling rallies, at least in the short term.”

“The reaction just shows you the level of froth in the market… the rally basically faded almost as quickly as it started, because it was based really on not much… There’s a difference between investing and just sort of chasing stories, and this falls into the latter.”

So let that be a lesson to you.

For more stock news, read this one: After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

“We have a deal on TikTok, I’ve reached a deal with China, I’m going to President Xi on Friday to confirm everything up,” Trump explained to reporters just before boarding a plane going to England… Wrong way, Don.

Years in the making, TikTok and the government finally have a deal that allows it to continue spying on Americans, so long as it’s American companies doing it.

Trump et al were worried that TikTok could potentially be a surveillance/manipulation tool from the Chinese government. Cue a million committee meetings and a million empty threats to shut the app down unless it gets sold to an American company.

Wait, this just sounds like a way of getting a cut of one of the most profitable social media apps on the planet… Is this a hostile takeover? This is just a hostile takeover, isn’t it? This is like what gangsters would do, “HEY! You’re on my turf! This here’s Jimmy the Turd’s territory. You want to keep doing business here? Well, ok, you can but you’ve got to let one of my boys do it for you, one of my friends, then we’re going to get a cut, understood? Aight, because it’s that or I break your legs.”

But that’s all intellectual because now a deal’s been reached and TikTok’s US business will be handled by a US consortium featuring the likes of: (play that cool intro music we talked about)

TECH FIRM… ORACLE!

PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM… SIIIIIILVER LAKE!!!

And VENTURE CAPITAL FIRM, ANDREESSEN HOROWITZ!!!!

Woop woop! Never mind that Oracle is run by Larry Ellison, the second (formly first) richest man in the world and massive Trump head (that’s they’re called, right?) idk about the other guys, I’m not looking it up.

Man, it’s almost like the US is an oligarchy or something.

This new entity will control 80% of TikTok in America. I’m assuming other places will just carry on with the Chinese version.

The new board has announced a rebrand for TikTok which will recolour its logo into a more patriotic red white and blue and have seamless integration with the Truth Social app.

Maybe we’ve learned something from the Chinese after all…

But all this is the long game. It’s not hard to see that this might be a bargaining chip to sweeten the deal during the trade talks and maybe win over those precious Nvidia AI chips that China so desperately craves.

Who knows. Let’s see how this plays out.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Delays TikTok Ban: “I Have Too Many Bangers Waiting In My Drafts”

President Donald Trump is suing the “flailing” New York Times $15 billion dollars in dollars after publishing the drawing that he did of a woman who will be remained nameless for the purposes of this demonstration.

Trump took to Truth Social (where you go to socialise about the truth) to explain the suit. “It’s blue. I always wear it.”

Trump then took to Truth Social to explain the lawsuit. “The flailing new york times, more like new SHIT times, used my drawing without permision. Yeah, they credited me, but that drawing is not under a fair use commercial commons contract. I AM ENTITLED TO ROYALTIES!!!”

Those royalties according to the lawsuit are up to $15 billion dollars which is a lot of money in America. Whether The New York Times Magazine can afford to pay that probably not, but you’ve got to high ball them if you want to settle high that’s what I’ve always said.

Oh and make no mistake about it, TACO Trump will settle meaning this basically just comes down to a forced bribe for defaming the president. This is some dumb dictatorship we’re living under, boy.

Ok, next question, what would you do with $15 billion dollars? Great question, thanks, I’d probably publish the drawing Trump did for Epstein without impunity. Oh, wait, I can just do that for free…

Come at me Don.

For more on this story, read this one: Trump Denies Drawing Picture For Epstein, “But Whoever Did Is Pretty Talented”

Currently now world’s richest man again, Elon Musk has disclosed a purchase of 2.57 million shares in Tesla INCorporated ($TLC) worth roughly $1billion dollars in money. The move seems entirely motivated by Musk’s desire to remain the king of the world, sorry, ‘world’s richest person’ after Larry Ellison wrestled the top spot off him for all of four seconds.

How can spending money make you richer, I hear you ask? Well, I don’t know. It certainly doesn’t work for me, let me tell you that. Surfice it to say that when you reach a certain amount of wealthy, all previous financial rules are reversed. Everything is free. Having no cash is a good thing. Taking out massive loans is a good thing. Etc. Etc…

This is Elon’s first Tesla stock purchase since 2020, his largest ever single stock purchase (I guess twitter doesn’t count) and the largest purchase made by a Bond villain since Blofeld bought a moon base.

Musk’s purchase is seen as a vote of confidence in his own company and shares jumped 6% following the news. Oh, I wonder who’ll profit from that? What are we even doing here, Jesus…

The news is good for tesla investors who have been hit in the face repeatedly with various set backs this year. From China dominating EVs to Elon running for president, Tesla enjoyers just can’t catch a break.

Although Elon Musk hasn’t been seen out the house in two years, he was last spotted on a video call at a riot in Britain for some reason. (WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS MAN)

For an explanation of this man, please read below this Wikipedia article I definitely didn’t just copy and paste from Wikipedia:

Elon Musk (muh-sk) is an African human individual with an interest in Mars. He is/was the inventor of the electric car, the electric tower and the dribble glass (citation needed). He was the first ever man to become the world’s richest man. Recently, his political interests include politics, high-fiving angels and British Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!)

Elon’s undoubtedly pissed, but you know who else is pissed? Me. Because I just wrote an article about how he became the second richest man and now it’s INSTANTLY out of date. What the hell?! He was like $20 billion off Elon, how do you make $20 billion in a day?!? Someone please tell me now, I need to quit this job.

Anyway, you’re probably the same thing that Larry Ellison’s wife is wondering: who the hell is Larry Ellison? Well, he’s the CEO of Oracle and was formerly the world’s richest man.

What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 40% yesterday, after giving an optimistic shareholders report on the future of AI. Maybe giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $80 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $393 billion, just surpassing Musk’s $385 billion. Oracle shed those gains by the end of day and Musk reclaimed the top spot. (So what, it was just all hypothetical money anyways? What are we even doing here?)

Elon responded, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Larry had the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the Bloomberg rich weirdos index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, we almost had a new random rich guy that we would have had to have had learned about. Lucky he’s only SECOND BEST and we can all forget about that pathetic loser.

What will Larry do next? idk. Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

As featured in a viral Reddit post, random man Nathan Smith used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model performs in picking small, undercovered stocks with only a $100 budget.”

And it seems to be paying off. Smith has made $25 so far, which is a 23.8% return for all you math nerds out there. That’s significantly higher than the Rusell 2000, XBI and the S&P 500 AND my own personal portfolio, which is actually doing really badly atm maybe I should get on this chatguputuh thingy.

ChatGPT stocks reddit post — fuckin stonks mate

So, should we all follow Smith’s lead and let Sam Altman become our stock broker as well as out therapist? Well, it’s still debatable whether chaty-G is better with other users not having similar success. Hey, if it was consistently better then everyone would be using it by now. Trust.

A crucial element is that Smith did add some probably much needed human input. He first inputted the stock data and then added a stop loss rule so that chatgupt would sell the stocks at a certain price. This isn’t AI entirely off the chain here.

Smith’s experiment is still ongoing so time will tell whether AI will come out on top here. It looks like when it comes to stock, we might need to rewrite the phrase, “brain meets brawn” afterall. Now it’s “brain meets computer brain meets brawn”. And who will win? Maybe computer brain but probably not brawn. Stayed tuned here for more information about this.

Make Sure To Use Subheadings To Improve Readability ChatGPT

It’s the thing about stocks and money you should know is a ChatGPTE could never replace a humanbeing a never it cannot do what I can do and trade stocks stonks like me. money.

Meanwhile chatpshitithinki’mhaving a stock a strok a stoke call the chaptgpt tellthen i’m havinga stork STORK fuck

For more news, click here: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

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