Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker Inc. so I guess it’s more a foot thing, then.

Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)

Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.

This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.

Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.

And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.

Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…

…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.

For more feet news, click here: Elon Musk Unveils Self-Driving Legs

President Donald Trump announced today a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar chip deal with Saudi Arabia, not for semiconductors, but for snack chips.

Speaking from a hastily assembled podium at the Saudi palace, flanked by gold-plated Dorito bags, Trump declared, “The Saudis wanted chips. We’ve got the best chips. Frito-Lay, tremendous company. Nobody does Cool Ranch like America does Cool Ranch.”

Trump: “How can I make this profitable for Frito-Lay?”

Confusion initially erupted on Wall Street, where early trading suggested the Saudis were investing in semiconductor factories. Nvidia surged, AMD shorted itself out of existence, and Elon Musk tweeted “I love chips” before clarifying he meant “AI ones, not the snack ones, though I do enjoy a good Flamin’ Hot.”

By the time it became clear that the “chips” were of the edible, artificially cheese-dusted variety, Frito-Lay stock had already moonwalked past its all-time high and into orbit. Analysts described the move as “Crunchflation,” a term invented by a CNBC intern live on air.

Saudi statement: “We were hungry.”

In an official statement, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman confirmed the deal, saying, “We were binge-watching Succession and realized our chip bowl was empty. It was a national emergency. Trump answered the call.”

The agreement includes exclusive access to experimental flavors previously deemed “too unstable” for public consumption, including “Sriracha Unicorn Dust” and “Freedom BBQ IV: Liberty Sauce.” Sources close to the deal claim the Prince personally requested “whatever the heck Taco Bell was on in 2017.”

Wall Street reacts with crumbs

The news left markets shell-shocked. Cheetos futures exploded. Tostitos coin briefly overtook Dogecoin in market cap before collapsing under the weight of its own salty optimism.

Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of U.S. lawmakers is calling for an emergency Snack Summit to regulate the snack-tech space. Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement reading, “Once again, billionaires are hoarding flavor while working Americans settle for plain kettle-cooked.”

Trump eyes expansion

When asked if this chip diplomacy might lead to further snack-based foreign policy deals, Trump smiled, revealing what may have been a single nacho shard in his teeth. “We’re in talks with North Korea. Kim loves Pringles. It’s gonna be huge.”

For more on this story, read here: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

President Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term. “That’s an odd choice for your first diplomatic mission,” I hear you say, and you might be right, but as the great Buddha once said, “The mosquito favors the flesh, not the stone.”

Trump’s hitting up MBS for his bank, not his small talk, and you can too! With these simple tricks right out of the Trump playbook, you too will be walking away with that sweet, sweet Saudi cash in no time.

1. Quid Pro Quo

I don’t speak Latin, but I think it means something like ‘pro’s know you’ve got to do a ‘lil give and take’ and that’s exactly what Trump’s up to here. America needs money (who doesn’t?), and Saudi Arabia wants to diversify its economy. They’re investing trillions into various mega projects (remember NEOM? What the hell even was that?) and maybe, if we’re lucky, America might just be MBS’s next big plaything.

2. Make Your Presence a Present.

Trump is in Saudi Arabia, just a few months away from MBS’s 40th birthday (I too celebrate a few months early). Now this might not seem significant, but this way Trump can bring a ‘lil gift, say ‘haps to the b-town’, that kind of thing, and then suddenly the begging doesn’t seem like begging anymore.

3. Make Dealing An Art

Now, if you’ve read ‘The Art of the Deal’ like I haven’t, then you’d know that making a deal is an art. An art form, in fact, and Trump’s the Michelangelo of dealing. Not cards, mind you, but money deals. So I say go in with that kind of mindset. You’re not a business guy, you’re a painter. You’re an artist. You’re a visionary, and no one can question your vision.

4. Invite Your Buddies

There’s no reason why you can’t share the love, and if they want that Saudi dollar, they should get that Saudi dollar. Bring along Elon, bring along Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzmann, bring along BlackRock CEO Larry Fink, bring along Citigroup CEO Jane Fraser, bring along Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, bring along IBM CEO Arvind Krishna, bring along Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg, bring along Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, bring along OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, bring along Alphabet CIO Ruth Porat, bring along Bridgewater Associates founder Ray Dalio, bring along Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi and hey, bring along LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman, why not? There’s no way that will be overwhelming.

5. Make A Blood Sacrifice To The Starless God Aeyloshkhal

Now, personally, I do this before every business deal, business meeting and Zoom call with my mom and it gets results! It doesn’t have to be a goat or anything, it can be a small child, a rat maybe, but you have to give something up. You have to give something up. Aeyloshkhal will not accept a poor offering. You want Saudi money? You want joy? You want success? Remember that all comes from Aeyloshkhal and no other.

For more money making tips, read here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

The United States of America (US) and the United States of China (not us) have reached an agreement to deescalate the trade war and lower tariffs by 115%, which isn’t even possible, even I can tell you that.

In an agreement that was hashed out over the weekend, America first removed 100% of the tariffs so that there were no tariffs but then continued to remove another 15% of tariffs from tariffs that weren’t there.

A negative and a negative make a positive so by removing 15% from nothing, the US was adding 15% tariffs onto themselves and now has to pay 15% to China instead which China is very happy about.

No other economists have pointed this out and from all my research it seems like I’m the only one which is nuts because I was really bad at math in school and even I can work this out.

Supposed ‘real’ economists are saying that the tariff rate will now be at 30%, down from 145%. Now that’s still an insane number. 30% was a dramatic figure for every other country hit with it, it just seems small compared to a million, quizillion percent that it was at before.

In return for this kind kind agreement, China will reverse its tariff counter tariffs. This is only for 90 days but it’s a start at least.

All markets and the dollar are up after the news which is mad, it’s almost like the markets aren’t in favor of these tariffs. Cray cray.

Donald Trump commented on the agreement saying, “China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China! China, China, China, China, China, China. CHINA!!!”

So I think he’s pissed.

For more tariff news read this one too: UK First Country To Sign Trade Deal With US, Mostly About Beef For Some Reason

The United Kingdom of England (and the other ones) has become the first country to sign a trade agreement with us, the US.

A little bit of history for those that don’t know: Britain was once America’s closest ally and before that, they were America’s greatest enemy, and before that, they were America’s greatest ally. And as the old saying goes, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but my enemy/former ally is my former owner.”

A trade agreement between the two countries was thus only a matter of time. With Trump’s threatened tariffs, Britain was forced to the negotiating table, falling right into Trump’s tiny tiny hands.

Britain has announced that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to America’s demands. On the other hand, America feels that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to Britains demands. So, win win.

Among the details are that the US will remove tariffs on UK steel and aluminium (it’s spelt like that when it’s over there) and in return Britain has “agreed to reciprocal market access on beef”. What? I thought beef was exactly what we were trying to avoid?

So Trump’s traded cow for metal. It really is just like Catan.

As a result of the deal, markets are up across the board. Huh, it’s almost like global trade and cooperation are good for the economy…

There’s also a lot of other numbers but I couldn’t be bothered to read them all so you can look elsewhere for that.

No doubt other countries will now be lining up around the block to bend the knee to King Trump but whatever happens, China will remain firmly at the back of the line.

Anyways, that’s the news, hope you enjoyed, come back soon.

Warren Buffett, ‘King of the Meats’, has announced his plan to step down from Berkshire Hathaway after over 60 years leading the firm. The investor extraordinaire walks away with over $3000 billion dollars in USD, but just how exactly did he do it now?

Murder.

Yeah, you heard me. You don’t break a few omelets without making a few eggs, and Buffett was always a master egg chef extraordinaire.

Think about it, who has ever challenged Butteff for his meaty crown? Before Buffett came onto the scene, the richest man was shipping tycoon Daniel Keith Ludwig, who died tragically at the age of 95. Murder.

Then there was Walmart founder Sam Walton, who died at 74 of blood cancer. Or so people thought. No, it was Buffett again. Murder.

TV mogul John Kluge? Died peacefully in his sleep at 95? WRONG. He got Buffetted. Murder.

But things got tricky for Buffett in the 21st century when the new kids on the block seemed unmurderable. Bill Gates had his superhuman vaccinations, Jeff Bezos would retreat to space any time Buffett got close, and Elon Musk had those pesky bulletproof cybertrucks. Drat. Buffett would have to settle with the sixth richest man in the world… again.

Now, this is not financial advice, and I’m not saying that if you want to be wealthy like WB, you’ve got to kill for it. No, what I am saying is that you’ve got to be hungry, you’ve got to be ready to fight your way to the top. And if some people get a little bit dead on the way, then who’s to say that was you? Nothing that a little moolah can’t solve, you hear me?

Following directly in Buffett’s footsteps might not be possible as Buffett has already chosen his successor, ‘Greg Abel’, purely because his name is ‘able’, so I guess I’m not in the running then? Damn. So close.

Upon leaving the company, Buffett is reported to have said, “Capitalism is dead! Suck it, millenials!” before wingsuiting off the building. It’s not clear what Buffett intends to do in his retirement, but some have said he now feels free to pursue his lifelong passion and become a pilates instructor.

This won’t be Buffett’s last financial venture, however, as he has announced a new cryptocurrency, ‘BuffettCoin’, which goes on presale next month.

So it’s bye, bye Buffett, but before he goes we just want to honor the 94-year-old by listing his top 94 accomplishments. Want to know how he got his fortune and how you can too? Read on below:

Transformed Berkshire Hathaway: Acquired a struggling textile company in 1965 and turned it into a $1 trillion conglomerate.
Ate a dog.
Mastered Insurance Float: Utilized insurance premiums from companies like GEICO and National Indemnity to fund investments.
Legally changed his name from Buffet to Buffett.
Invested in Coca-Cola in 1988; Berkshire now owns 9.3% of the company.
Worked out how to crack an egg one-handed.
Invested in Apple: Initial investment in 2016 grew from $35 billion to $173 billion by 2023.
Invented gymnasiums.
Acquired See’s Candies in 1972; influenced Buffett’s approach to investing in quality businesses.
Fell in love.
Invested in BYD in 2008; proved to be a lucrative venture.
Increase monies from 0 to more.
Acquisition of BNSF Railway: In 2009, Berkshire purchased Burlington Northern Santa Fe for $44 billion, marking Berkshire’s largest acquisition.
Diversified Portfolio (probably)
Bought Dairy Queen
Bought Fruit of the Loom
Bought Benjamin Moore
Bought the love and respect of everyone on planet Earth.
Buffett studied under Benjamin Graham and championed investing in undervalued companies with strong fundamentals whatever that means.
Long-Term Strategy: Emphasized patience and long-term holdings, avoiding short-term market trends.
Decentralized Management but not in a crypto way: Allowed subsidiaries to operate independently, fostering entrepreneurial spirit.
Transparent Communication: Known for candid and insightful annual shareholder letters.
Mentorship: Guided future leaders like Greg Abel, ensuring Berkshire’s continuity.
The Giving Pledge: Co-founded with Bill and Melinda Gates, encouraging billionaires to donate at least half their wealth to charitable causes and secret illuminati programs.
Significant Donations: Committed to giving away the majority of his fortune, primarily to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.
Modest Lifestyle: Despite immense wealth, lives in the same Omaha house he purchased in 1958.
Educational Impact: His investment principles are studied in business schools worldwide.
Economic Commentary: Respected voice on economic policies and market behaviors.
Presidential Medal of Freedom: Awarded in 2011 for his contributions to business and philanthropy.
Carnegie Medal of Philanthropy: Received in 2016 for his significant philanthropic efforts.
Time 100: Featured multiple times in Time magazine’s list of the most influential people.
Honorary Degrees: Received honorary degrees from institutions like the University of Nebraska and Harvard.
Business Hall of Fame: Inducted for his outstanding contributions to the business world.
Shit, this is only 34, err, ok, what else has he done?
Cold showers.
Dreamt big.
Bought a house.
Whistled.
Made some money
Lost some money
Made the money back again. Nice.
Put two beers in cold storage for later.
Invented a time machine but never told anyone.
Bottles of beer on the wall.
Ok, wait, I’ve ChatGPTed some more:
American Express: Buffett’s investment in American Express began in the 1960s. By 2024, dividends from this holding reached approximately $409.3 million annually.
Bank of America: In 2011, Berkshire invested in Bank of America through preferred stock and warrants, which were exercised in 2017. This holding became one of Berkshire’s largest, though 15% was sold in 2024.
The Washington Post: Buffett purchased a stake in The Washington Post in 1973 for $11 million, holding it for over 40 years. By 2004, the stake was valued at nearly $1.7 billion.
Idk if any of that’s true, but we’ll see if I get sued, I guess.
Hot Dog Stands: In 2016, Berkshire invested in 14,000 hot dog stands across America, showing that you too can stand up for small businesses.
Won first prize in a hot dog eating contest and not because he’d bought out all the hot dog stands.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Olgs.
Bought Wall Street Memes Dot Com and turned it into a hype site for Warren Buffett.
Fuck, ugh, 61. Why do I do this to myself?
Sixty two.
Why does he have to be so old?
The entry is left intentionally blank.
Fell over.
Meegledeeble.
Ahh.
Ahhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Warren Buffett died (future achievement).
Warren Edward Buffett (/ˈbʌfɪt/ BUF-it; born August 30, 1930)^[2] is an American investor and philanthropist who currently serves as the chairman and CEO of the conglomerate holding company Berkshire Hathaway. As a result of his investment success, Buffett is one of the best-known investors in the world. According to Forbes, as of May 2025, Buffett’s estimated net worth stood at US$168.2 billion, making him the sixth-richest individual in the world.^[3]
Warren Buffett!
My dad said he met him once but I think he’s a liar.
Can O Beans.
Reason number 77. I like to turn off the taps after I’m done using them.
Nebraska Furniture Mart (1983): Buffett acquired this retail giant, impressed by founder Rose Blumkin’s business acumen. The purchase exemplified his strategy of investing in well-managed, family-run businesses.
Died for our sins.
Came back again for our sins.
81, come on, 81, so close.
Discover radium.
Didn’t get bullied at school or anything.
Loved by friends and enemies alike.
An olden bod by anyone’s stretch of the imagination.
Just a fancy guy.
Helped me out when i was struggling financially.
Role model.
Hot. Pretty hot. I would.
Called in a favor when he most needed it.
Refused to compromise.
Always looked ahead. Never backwards.
Dreams.
Gave us one hell of a performance in Hamilton: The Musical.
One more for luck. xoxo

Thanks for reading! I’m going to go lie down now.

In an unprecedented technological mishap, the U.S. Federal Reserve has accidentally uploaded the entire U.S. economy into a public Minecraft server, triggering a cascade of ‘chicken jockey‘ market rallies, and a complete redefinition of America’s GDP to include enchanted diamond swords.

An internal memo leaked early Tuesday revealed that a junior Fed systems analyst was attempting to simulate inflation models using a private server when he “accidentally ported the entire economic backend to Minecraft Realms.” Within hours, the U.S. GDP had been replaced by the collective value of cobblestone, wheat farms, and digital horse armor.

“We didn’t realize the NASDAQ was running on a chunk loader,” said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell in a hastily convened press briefing. “But now that it is, we believe monetary policy will be guided by Redstone logic and Ender Dragon behavior.”

Markets React with Confusion and Creative Mode Frenzy

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to an all-time high of 1,027,432,550 points, largely due to speculative bubbles in obsidian futures and a hostile takeover of Home Depot by a 12-year-old streamer named “xX_EconWarrior_Xx.”

Meanwhile, the S&P 500 was replaced by a leader board displaying “Top 10 Wheat Producers (Survival Mode Only),” with Iowa narrowly defeated by a coordinated Reddit farming guild.

Major hedge funds responded by hiring pixelated interns and converting their Bloomberg Terminals into crafting tables. BlackRock reportedly placed a buy order for “whatever item makes villagers stop scowling.”

Congressional Response: Mostly Panic and Lag

During an emergency session of Congress, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries appeared confused as to whether the U.S. dollar still existed, asking the Fed chair, “So my wallet is now a chest and my income is now entirely paid in emeralds, why then does the IRS still need me to do my taxes?”

Jerome Powell, appearing at the session as his Minecraft avatar, explained that although the U.S. Mint was now a fully automated piston smelter located under the Washington Monument, yes, everyone still has to pay their taxes.

Economists ‘Not Experts In The Craft’

Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman stated the move could have benefits: “In-game scarcity creates real value. If emeralds are the new reserve currency, I welcome our new block-based future.”

Others were less optimistic. “You cannot base a sovereign economy on pixelated livestock and hope,” warned MIT’s Dr. Helena Zhao. “Also, someone griefed my retirement portfolio.”

What’s Next?

According to sources inside the White House, President Trump is expected to address the nation from a procedurally generated podium, likely built from birch wood and surrounded by torchlight.

Beijing has denied claims by Donald Trump that they talk “every day” about tariffs and that they are ‘besties’. Instead, China says that they have set Trump’s WhatsApp to ‘mute’ and are considering soft-blocking or even blocking the US President.

On Wednesday, Trump told reporters at the Oval Office that they were ready for a trade deal with China but such a deal “depends on them”. However he did offer promising news saying that China’s last text did end with two ‘x’s as opposed to the regular one. Analysts are interpreting these symbols as a ‘kiss’ and a sign of goodwill.

However a spokesman for the Chinese commerce ministry said it was all lies, but who’s to say he isn’t lying?

Donald Trump had this to say in response, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Shiner, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

He then continued, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Chinese China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Taiwan, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

So, I guess you can see why they put him on mute.

It’s a bold negotiating strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

It’s been a busy week, what with Trump threatening Fed Chair Jerome Powell, then saying that he wouldn’t fire him, even though, oh boy, does he want to. At the same time, Elon Musk has said he plans to spend less time on DOGE in order to focus on bringing Tesla out of its stock nose dive.

Well, now the dynamic duo has announced a plan that could kill two birds with one stone. Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move.

That’s right, they’re going to replace JP with a Tesla bot.

Now, they claim that Trump has no plans to fire him and the bot is “just for decoration” but he’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

The Tesla Optimus was initially pitched as an AI android helper but secretly it was actually designed for one job and one job only: setting the interest rates to a level that makes Trump happy.

If all goes according to plan, the Tesla Optimus will be sworn in next week and start Chairing the fuck out of that Fed before the end of the month.

Naturally, Tesla will have complete control over the robot and thus the entire economy. Call it a ‘backdoor DOGE’ if you like. And finally Trump will be happy.

And to those naysayers saying this is unconstitutional and that you can’t have a robot running the Federal Reserve, Musk already has a response for you, “Shut up.”

The only thing the Constitution says about robots is that we’re not allowed to build a robot Abraham Lincoln and guess what? Disney already did it so I feel like we can just throw out that whole document now can’t we?

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords and truly believe that an economy married inextricably to Tesla stock is a healthy one.

The former Mr. Powell declined to comment on this piece.

For more on this story click here: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the first time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and called him mean names. Coupled with a frightening stock drop, investors are now turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold and gold related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on gold if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on, but now with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Dow Jones (I’ve never met him but I’ve heard he’s lovely) has made his hardest drop since he used to DJ during the great depression. This is scary because that was a bad time. Historians predict that various 1930s trends are likely to make a comeback, including hobos and old-timey scales.

Gold And Days

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck millionaires.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

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