Author: Max Profit

With the TikTok ban potentially just days away, thousands of users are flooding to the Chinese social media platform, RedNote. Prompted by this shift, X owner, Musk X’d out that he had made an offer to buy the company.

Although Musk is now saying the offer was a joke, RedNote has accepted his offer and Musk now legally has two social media outlets that he doesn’t know what to do with.

The news comes after rumors that Musk would buy TikTok to avoid the government ban. Although TikTok denied the claims you never really know what those schemers are up to, huh? Probably trying to take down the government. We should take them down before it’s too late!

“We can’t be expected to comment on pure fiction,” said TikTok in response to the rumored Musk purchase which is ironic because by calling it “pure fiction” you are in fact commenting on it.

Donald Trump has told the Supreme Court to wait to rule on the TikTok ban until after he’s inaugurated because whatever happens, he wants to be the guy to do it. Unless no one likes the decision. In which case the Supreme Court can handle it.

This comes as no surprise as TikTok’s CEO met with Trump at Mar-al-ar-la recently. But that probably has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile on RedNote everyone’s having a WHALE of a government-sanctioned time. Chinese people are finally getting to talk to Americans and Americans are finally getting to see that life isn’t just Mac-Donalds and whipped cream (idk I’m just guessing that’s what Chinese people guess Americans are like).

Where does RedNote get its name I hear you ask? Well… It’s communism.

With Elon’s purchase of the site, however, users are likely to see at least three changes: 1. No more communism. 2. It won’t work. 2. More bots. 3. Donald Trump will have his account unbanned.

But that’s precisely the point. You want to reach the masses. You want to widen your audience. Influence more? Especially if you’ve got power and money. That power and money only goes so far unless you’ve got a megaphone to yell it. And here’s the thing, RedNote might just be that megaphone. Here’s the thing, TikTok’s alright, but RedNote now that’s where it’s at. Here’s the thing, I’m not being paid to say this. Yes, I have an account and yes I receive sponsorship but those are small payments, tiny, minuscule amounts and I’ve declared them on my tax form.

That’s not fake, that’s real money going in there but it in no way influences my decision to say that yes, REDNOTE IS THE BEST! (thumbs up emoji) and here’s the thing, not a lot of people are going to like it but I was born with my prostate outside of my body, I need the medical funds to keep it there and RedNote and the Chinese government are the only people to make that happen or I could die, I could literally die and if you think you’d be happy with letting a grown man die? Then be my guest but I’m not going to let Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg or any foreign governments push me around do you hear me?

Here’s the thing, not a lot of people like what I have to say but my userbase on RedNote does. TikTok they hate me because I tell it like it is. RedNote they don’t know what I’m saying but they enjoy the medical-based visuals. It’s less body horror and more body shaming if that makes sense and the Supreme Court wants to take that away from me? No. They got another thing coming.

And it’s Elon Musk and ByteDance or something Bite Dance? It’s when you dance when you’re eating. I’m eating right now but you rpoabbaly would’t know it because i can typea dn eat at the same ties without anby mistakesl!1 Sure, it’s not good for me to be plugged into this machine twenty-four sevens but someone has to do it namely me and my French assistant Genny. He’s a big boy now ever sine the surgery and that’s what we like about him strong muscles, large, bulbous forehead that kind of man your dad would like to be. He’s my best friend and lover and if you don’t like him well you can tell that to the judge.

I’ve got no reason not to say it so why should you? Look, my friends and I, we’ve got a lot to get off my chest if you like and I don’t care if that’s influenced by a Chinese, American or hell Martian government all that matters is that I get to say it. Me, me, me, me.

And if you don’t like it you can tell that to the judge and his name is Donald Trump and the thing is, you’re not going to believe it, but an AI didn’t even write this, a human did. A human typed out these words button by button and thought it was good enough to put out into the world forever. Think about that.

What is this world coming to where everyone has this power? I say, suppress the speech more. Make another amendment. Get rid of it all. You have the right to not speak and that’s it, how about that? Put the gun down, I’m talking and you’re going to sit your big ass down and listen. No one wants to hear this but it’s true and I’m going to print this out and nail it to my church’s door in the middle of the night. That’s the news and I’m sticking to it.

Elon Musk can suck my soul out from underneath me for all I care I’m not interested. Put that up your but and smoke it. Dreams like these aren’t made to be shared, OK? We’re almost at the limit, it’s ok, you can do it, one final push.

And THIS is the kind of free speech America wants to ban? Shameful.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ new New Glenn rocket was grounded from its first launch just six minutes before it was scheduled to blast off. Bezos reportedly commented, “Can’t lie, I am disappointed. I was really looking forward to leaving this hellhole of a planet.”

Bezos continued to explain that he had wanted to surprise everyone and “do a French exit” by only announcing his departure once the rocket was already in flight. “That way no one could have stopped me.”

When asked about his motivation for wanting to leave Earth, Bezos said, “It’s very simple: I despise this planet. I always have. There’s wars, there’s famine, there’s fires raging in California and only one of those is even my fault. I woke up one morning and just thought you know what, it’s time. And I recommend everyone build their own $2 billion rocket and do the same.”

Although the Amazon Prime boss did not explain where the rocket was going, many speculate that New Glenn’s final destination would have been Elon Musk’s secret base on Mars.

The colony, which is 100% real, features entirely automated luxury mansions for the ultra-wealthy. Ordinarily, however, billionaires would only go to Musk’s Martian Plaza when they ‘die’ and travel in rockets disguised as satellite launches. But for Bezos, clearly, he could not wait another seven years.

Ironically Jeff will have to wait a little longer as the rocket has been grounded after a “vehicle subsystem issue”, in layman’s terms: a fuck up. The rocket will likely launch at a currently undecided later date, but if I had to guess I’d say July 6th at 10:43 am.

Alongside Bezos’ secret escape, the New Glenn rocket is supposed to show off Blue Origin’s first orbit and reusable rocket landing. Bezos has denied any attempt to copy Elon Musk’s homework.

The New Glenn is so named after the first American to orbit the earth, John Glenn. He’s the old Glenn, whereas this rocket is new, so it’s New Glenn. If you are aware of any other Glenns, please let us know in the comments below.