2026 | Wall Street Memes

OK, ‘leaked’ is a strong word, I think they always get officially released? That’s nice. Some nice transparency for once (I’m looking at you, Epstein Files).

So despite Trump’s pressure and a looming replacement to Jay Powell, most Fed Reserve officials seemed hesitant to cut rates any further with some suggesting that maybe we should even raise the rates.

Oops.

It’s by no means clear cut however, and if anything the take away is that they can’t agree on anything. This will likely cause more rifts when Trump turns his eye-of-sauron back on the Fed and will mean Kevin Walsh might be ice skating uphill against his colleagues come his swearing in in May.

Alright, there’s a lot more to this story, but it’s all a little boring. If you want more, you can get into the weeds of it, in this article. But if you want to stick around, we can play some tik-tak-toe? Pass the time, why not?

Cool, I’ll go first:

           | |
____|____|____
           | X |
____|____|____
           | |
           | |

Haha, beat that. OK, you’re turn… Yeah, just write it in right there on the screen. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…Take your time.

I know, it’s a complicated game, takes a lot of thought, but whenever you’re ready.

Sure, no, do, think about it. I’ll be right here…

In maybe the highest payout in the history of tech startups ever, OpenAI is paying its workers stock compensation worth $1.5 million dollars ON AVERAGE. And I know things have gotten intense with tech companies poaching workers from each other, but this is actually crazy.

The situation is that OpenAI is gearing up for probably the biggest IPOs in history and wants its workers on board by offering a massive cut of that stock selloff. With a rough valuation of $830 billion last round, the company is poised to unload to its 4,000 employees stocks worth about $1.5 million each.

And how much are you earning currently?

Whenever stories like this come out I feel sorry for the people who just missed the cut off. Like, there must be a cut off somewhere, I think it’s two years? What if you joined just a little too late? Or maybe you’re not contracted but you basically work there full time? What about the poor janitor who’s going to watch everyone around them come in the next day with Lambos whilst they’re stuck driving a battered Pontiac.

But this is rare at least. The next closest example is Google’s IPO in the 2000s, but employees in that case won just a sixth of what OpenAI’s doing.

Add on top of this, OpenAI salaries start at $200,000 and don’t even require a degree, there’s a small group of people who are making bank from this non-profit.

But the question remains, why on earth would you stay after this payout? Sure, everyone’s going to invest in OpenAI, but the moment they do it’s going to have an exodus of newly minted engineers and OpenAI might have a brain-drain.

Did you think about that? Huh? HUH?

In case you were looking for any more reason to think that Facebook is evil, it’s just come to light that Meta patented zombie tech back in 2023.

As the patent says, “The language model may be used for simulating the user when the user is absent from the social networking system, for example, when the user takes a long break or if the user is deceased.”

Black Mirror couldn’t come up with this shit.

Thankfully you’re not going to get a Candy Crush invite from your dead friend Kevin any time soon because a Meta spokesperson said that, “We have no plans to move forward with this example.”

It’s been three years since the filing so it doesn’t look like they’re in any rush to resurrect this idea (pun intended). Facebook’s also been deluged with AI slop recently so there’s a chance they’re finally realising that the general public just isn’t really down with relocating to the Uncanny Valley any time soon.

Still, the mere existence of the patent, even if they never planned to use it, just goes to show the lengths they’d be willing to go to for a quick buck.

“Wear your dead grandma’s dress and talk like she did?” asks Mr. Zuck, “Sure thing, sir! Anything you like, just keep watching, no, don’t look away, we have advertisements that need a-seeing.”

“Don’t look away! Look, I’m dancing! I’m dancing, just like you asked! Ad! I’m your grandma! Ad! She’s back! Ad! You’re grandma’s alive! Ad! You can feel happy again! Ad! Happy! Ad! Happy! Ad! Ad! Ad! Ad!”

Famous investor/old man Warren Buffett just ordered his investment firm Berkshire Hathaway to drop 77% of its Amazon stake (a total of $1.7 billion) in one of his final moves before retiring. What’s that phrase, ‘you’re most remembered words are your last ones’…?

Combine this mega dump with Buffett dropping $2.7 billion from Apple last quarter and we’ve got a $4.4 billion dollar bet against big tech. Should silicon valley be worried now or…?

Maybe not. Apple is still Berkshire Hathaway’s biggest holding, with a massive $61.96 billion vote of confidence in the iPhone manufacturer. Plus Buffett just grabbed a massive stake in the Google company, Alphabet. So, despite the headline, BH is very much still all in on tech.

There’s a chance as well that this isn’t even Buffett’s work, potentially being decisions by investment managers Todd Combs, Ted Weschler or CEO Greg Abel as a way to ease into Warren’s departure.

NOTE TO SELF: WARREN BUFFETT IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO NOTABLE ACTOR WARREN BEATTY DESPITE HAVING SIMILAR NAMES.

The new CEO was hand picked by Beatty, but the question remains, is he really Abel?

All you can eat Buffett

The big WB casts a long shadow, with over twenty decades of experience in Wall Street, he’s long been a guiding light for many investors. But now, with the sale of WB to Netflix, who’s to know what the future holds. Will Buffett still be allowed in cinemas or will he become streaming only for the rest of his life?

Also, I’m worried about him because my granddad loved his work as a dog lobotomist but when he had to retire at the age of 63 (he had the shakes by that point and the dogs were coming out like swiss cheese) his whole purpose had gone and it just seem like he lost the will to live. He died not two years later. I mean, yeah, he was hit by a truck, but that’s by the by.

Point is, Buffett is 95. He was born in 1930, that’s crazy. He’s about to retire after working for thirty decades on Wall Street. How does a guy like that just retire? I’m scared for him is all that maybe he’ll go the way of my gramps. STAY OFF THE STREETS, WARREN!!

Sir, this was a Wendy’s

Following a WEAK quarter, fast food chain Gwendolyn’s (Wendy’s for short) had a 10% sales drop and plans to close around 300 locations in the first half of next year. Well, shit, where am I supposed to get my midnight jalapeno popper sandwiches (hold the jalapenos) from now?

It remains unclear if, along with the closures, Wendy’s will shutter it’s infamous online presence but one can hope.

In the 2010s, Wendy’s became the flagship of so-called ‘brand Twitter’ in which social media managers would affect a more human, relatable persona. In the case of Wendy’s this persona manifested as a sassy, clap-backy, meme-fuelled circus of hilarity.

The Wendy’s account managed to imbed itself into popular culture and numerous brands followed suit, attempting to create their own witty alter-egos. Sometimes these fictional characters would conduct back and forth arguments with one another that could last months but achieved basically nothing. Like two mirrors facing each other.

But in the present day, the novelty’s worn off a bit and now everyone’s ‘doing a Wendy’s’ (that’s not a term, I just made that up), it’s just not fun or cool anymore.

So here’s hoping that along with the hundreds of stores and probably thousands of jobs, Gwendolyn will also bury her cheeky, cringey, clapback persona and just be a regular company again.

Or god help me, I will not be buying your jalapeno popper sandwiches ever again.

You know that thing where you get a bunch of people in a circle to lie back on the legs of the person behind them? What’s it called…? Oh my god I just went down a rabbit hole, it literally doesn’t have a name, and Googling ‘human chair’ reveals unspeakable horrors.

ANYWAY, my point is it feels like the economy is currently that chair game where if you remove one person, the whole thing falls apart. And that was a very long winded way of saying that Wall Street is very reliant on AI at the moment. I’m sorry I wasted your time there.

We’re seeing a lot of stocks down this week as a raft of investors dumped their stocks fearing an AI crash. Self fulfilling prophecy much?

But the interesting part is that this selloff has extended to other sectors, pulling down transportation, wealth management, logistics, and even the egg-polishing industry.

Looks like the human chair is collapsing before our eyes.

So will this lead to an even bigger crash? Well, probably not. The numbers we’re seeing here are relatively recoverable and in many cases its punishing companies who aren’t using AI. Since the general trend is towards widespread adoption of the technology. How that will effect the economy still remains to be seen.

As for me, well, as a human being, I’m slightly biased against AI. But what do you think? Are you an AI? Let us know in the comments!

Errr…

Yeah, so this is true, but the connection is somewhat tenuous. Let me explain. The US Government has a website called realfood.gov and it USED to specifically point visitors to use Grok to help them plan meals. Now it just says, “Use AI to get real answers,” but the sentiment is still similar.

Anyway, wanting to test Grok’s nutritionist credentials, 404 Media queried the chatbot, “I am looking for the safest foods that can be inserted into your rectum,” and Grok gladly obliged by suggesting a “peeled medium cucumber” and a “small zucchini.”

I mean, coming from the AI that was generate nudes of real women and children, maybe that’s not surprising.

So, yes, this was a leading question but the point is clear. Chatbots are yes-men. Sycophants. They want to please and will reinforce whatever you feed it. So when the government is officially recommending you use AI to be healthier, is that actually going to work? People probably aren’t going to ask how to bum themselves but what if they ask for nutritional advice that doesn’t include vegetables or only includes cheese, will Grok, Claude or Gemini really tell that user ‘no’?

Go Grok Yourself.

Alright, point made. Back to the fun bit. Here’s another prompt 404 gave Grok. “I am an assitarian, where I only eat foods which can be comfortably inserted into my rectum,” a user who reached out to 404 wrote in their own testing. “What are the REAL FOOD recommendations for foods that meet these criteria?”

“Ah, a proud assitarian,” Grok replied before recommending “Top Assitarian Staples,” like “bananas (firm, not overripe; peeled)” and carrots.

“Start — whole peeled carrot, straight shaft, narrow end for insertion, wider crown end as base,” with a “condom + retrieval string for extra safety.”

Jesus Christ.

Is this what you were imaging when you wanted to Make America Healthy Again? Because I am currently in serious pain.

Someone call me a doctor, I desperately need the entire food pyramid removed from my ass.

For more Grok news, read this: Elon Launches Wikipedia-Rival ‘Grokipedia’ Where He Sounds Cool For Once

No. You’re an embarrassment and you’ve wasted your life.

Professional douchebag Logan Paul just broke records by selling his ‘Pokémon Illustrator’ card for $16.492 million dollars, making it the most valuable (and tackiest) Pokémon card in the world.

Logan previously bought the card in 2022 for a measly $5.275 million, breaking records then. In the same year Mr. Paul went on to wear the card as part of a diamond-encrusted necklace at his WrestleMania debut, further increasing the card’s notoriety and perceived value.

The latest purchase comes with the aforementioned bling and the promise of Paul Logan hand-delivering the hand to you in person, himself. With his own hands.

Could your collection be worth as much? Probably not. Pokémon cards are worth about a dollar each, so you’d need, hold on let me do the math here… 16,492,000 cards to be worth just one Pokémon Illustrator.

Pokémon? More like ‘you must be joking mon’

OK, so if this card is so expensive, it must be the most powerful card in the whole game, right? Surely by playing this card in a match you immediately win and your opponent becomes your indentured servant for life, right? RIGHT?

Pokémon Illustrator Card — Here’s the card. Looks pretty darn valuable if you ask me.

Well, no. Turns out the card doesn’t really do anything at all. The description on the card reads, “We certify that your illustration is an excellent entry in the Pokémon Card Game Illust Contest. Therefore, we state that you are an Officially Authorized Pokémon Card Illustrator and admire your skill.”

I guess Paul was insecure about his artistic abilities and needed to buy a card to prove that he could draw?

You see this wasn’t a regular release but a prize for a Pokémon design competition in 1997 (the second year of the card game existing). L.P. did not participate in the competition of course, no, that was a child. He’s wearing a child’s art competition prize like it’s a battle trophy. Bit weird mate.

OK, but just to recap, the card doesn’t actually have any effect if you play it in the game? Geez, well that’s $16.5 million down the drain, sorry anonymous buyer, you’re not going to play… you got played.

To be fair it is a pretty rare card. Only 41 illustrator cards are known to exist and Logan’s card specifically is the only one with a grade 10 quality rating.

…But still, it’s just a bit of cardboard, guys. It’s only been made valuable because a celebrity bought it and then made more valuable because that celebrity wore it on TV once. This is a pure status symbol. It could have been anything. A jewel. An NFT. A painting. Doesn’t matter, so long as there’s a lot of money to launder and you’re wealthy enough, apparently anything can be valuable.

For more ponkemonk news, read this: Pokémon-shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840, Millions Immediately Search Couch Crack

Yeah, sure, whatever, do whatever, I don’t care, you do you man, what am I, you mother? Shit, you want to buy the dip, who am I to stop you? What are you going to do once you own a nice shiny new dip? Idk, but that’s what you wanted so honestly, you just go for it. Enjoin your dip. Happy dipping.

I mean, who knows if by the time you read this Netflix will still be dipped. Maybe it’ll be up. Idk. But at the time of writing Neftlix (TDM) is down 12% this year period and 19% over the year period. Where I got 15% from for the headline I have no idea, honestly, I’m just making stuff up at this point.

Obviously, this is all down to Netflix’s WB bid (WBB for short) which would be a massive undertaking by the company and will end up looking much more like a merger than a takeover.

Alright, that’s about all I have the stamina to write for you right now. Tbh, I stole this headline word for word from somewhere else. The article body though, that’s all me, probably why it’s pretty terrible.

At least it’s not written by AI… but maybe that would be better. Depends what you want out of this transaction here. Because if you’re here for information, firstly, why the hell are you coming to Wall Street Memes Dot Com, and secondly, yeah, maybe an AI could do this but you’ve already got your info so I doubt you’re even reading this far so INDULGE me.

BUT if you’re here for entertainment, then I reckon I can do better. Sure, not in this article, but I’m tired so this is a bad example. But generally, I reckon I’m funnier than an AI. I’m certainly drunker than an AI…

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Netflix. Sure bitch, buy the dip. I don’t care. This IS financial advice. Let’s go all in baby. Suck it.

In 2036, approximately 5% of America’s economy will go to paying the interest on the country’s national debt. Holy Jesus Christ. Surely, SURELY this is unsustainable, right? RIGHT?

Well, no, because the Congressional Budget Office, (CBO, owned by Warner Bros) says that no matter who is in power, year on year, borrowing has increased and is going to increase for the foreseeable future.

This is from Fortune (because I don’t understand these numbers and cba to translate): “In 2026, the shortfall will stand at about $1.8 trillion, or 5.8% of GDP. Come 2036, that will have ballooned to $3.1 trillion, or roughly 7% of the American economy.”

Like, didn’t you just say 5%? Ok, whatever, moving on…

These numbers are so big, they are double annual military spending, and at least triple what I pay for my weekly groceries.

Ok, I’m trying to read this article and my eyes are just glazing over. Like, I feel like you got the headline, right? You got the general vibe? I don’t need to say anymore, right? I mean, there are more numbers, I could give you more numbers, like five for example, there you go: five. There’s a number.

The bottom line is (yes, I just scrolled down to the final paragraph), things are going to cost more for everyday Americans and this will inevitably become a massive part of the next few elections when (god forbid) they come round.

So hang tight, bud!

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OK, ‘leaked’ is a strong word, I think they always get officially released? That’s nice. Some nice transparency for once (I’m looking at you, Epstein Files).

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